I thought i could handle just being friends, thought I could make that, at least, work; but it seemed I couldn't. Every day, every night, I would think about him, and it got to the point where even I thought this was ridiculous. I couldn't get through an hour without finding something I wanted to tell him, something I thought he would find funny, or sad, or special...you understand. And only seeing him every few weeks, only talking for a few minutes every day or 12, it drove me mad. I could barely sleep, I couldn't concentrate, I didn't taste what I was eating, didn't notice where I was.
But no matter, all this confusion, he was my sisters best friend, and they had even briefly dated. No way would I ruin their friendship, which is what would happen if he and I got together. I couldn't, wouldn't, do that, no matter how much it hurt. He had as good as told me he loved me too, but was he serious? Or was he just being flirtatious, as usual? Sometimes it seemed that was all it was, but sometimes...
I suffered like this, for almost a year, cherishing our friendship but wishing desperately that it was more than that. But it couldn't, WE couldn't be, right? Even now, after we have drifted apart, and we barely ever talk, now so far away from each other, I wonder if I should have fought harder. I still love him, still miss him, and still wish our close friendship could have become something more.
I will see him again soon, he will be back for a short time, and one of the few times we have talked recently, we decided to meet at a place we have hung out many, many times before. So I am very glad I shall see him, but my feelings have been so battered by his comparative disregard, I don't know what I will do. But for all you women out there who find yourselves in a position like this, listen to your heart, do what it tells you. Even if it is a mistake, at least you will know you did everything you could.