What would make me really happy? I am trying to think of something material and suddenly realize that if I have to even think before I can answer this question, then I am happy. Or am I?
There are plenty of people out there, people who are calling themselves my friends, people who I hardly know and some who I don't know at all, who are just dying of envy and wishing they were in my place. Longing they had as much money as I do, as much power and as much luck. They think I am lucky, but do they know what it's like to live in fear? What it's like to see someone you love and share your life with dying? Be around people all the time and be the loneliest person alive? Idiots. I can't stand to see their fake smiles and hear pretense words anymore because I know when I turn my back to them all they want is to stab me. I know my lifestyle will end someday. Could be soon, could be a little longer.
The question is what's going to be next for me? I am just so tired ofwaiting and for some reason I am angry with myself. Angry for not appreciating enough what I have and who I live with. Tired of waiting.
I see myself in this dark room, seating comfortably and waiting for something, not really knowing what is it I am waiting for and because of the fear and anxiety of anticipation of this mysterious future, I can't realize that I am quite comfortable and just relax and enjoy the wait.
But how ironic is all of this! If someone would offer me to just end the whole thing, to change my life by taking everything that I have and ending my life, I would deny it. I am so used to it! It's a part of me now. It's like another organ in my body; it stuck in my head and not going anywhere for now. And it's also a taboo. A big no-no. Can't be discussed, can't be aggravated. Tired I feel 80 years old already.
My life is like a dream and my wait is to wake up. Am I making any sense? I don't recognize myself in the mirror when I pass by it somewhere in the store. That's how severe I think it is. And it's because I am not being who I really am, inside and out.
And worst of all, it's getting worse and worse. I am bad with my poor mom, she annoys me and I can't even hide it. And she's an angel from heaven and I am an evil.
Basically, I have to start making changes in my life while I sill can. (Can start by being patient with mom and husband, stop yelling and loose weight.) Money can buy you happiness, you just have to take a moment to enjoy it (experience it). It's there!