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      I just broke in two


I am alone. I stare into my coffee cup as I glance out of the window to watch my three kids running around. My life, my heart was ripped away 8 months ago. No little one, Daddy isn't coming home. He's gone home, to the Lord. I have been in therapy for eight months and it isn't helping. I only hold on for my little ones.

23, and a widow. My four year old girl, Hanna asks me everyday when will I smile again. I won't tell her Daddy is gone, and there can be no more smiles. My three year old Michael has gone to live with my Mother. This is where I am sitting now at her house.

I was stirring my coffee watching my kids, visiting them, hiding tears that fall as habit and running my fingers through my dirty unkempt hair. Oh how I have changed. I never knew I would need to. My baby is only one, he is the youngest, my son Drake will never even remember a glimpse of his father.

How could this have happened to us I ask over and over. I cry and hit things and stare and scream at home alone at night. I get angry at the walls, because they hear more than he does when I talk and sometimes there are some things I want to tell him so bad.

Drake learned to walk, Drake said "Mommy", Michael learned to swim, Hanna is #1 in her gymnastics class, where the hell are you? WHY did you leave us here? WHY did you die? Did you know I still love you?

My Mother and Father are not here at their house today. I came to sit with my kids so that they could go to my house and move Drake out. They don't feel like I could be the best Mom right now. I agree, Hell I am losing my kids and that is my fault.

And no I don't want to. Yes I know what I need to do. Straighten up! Stop crying! But I just can't yet. I had something perfect, crystal gone.

My husband is forever stolen from my arms, by a dam ticking clock. Well forget it! Forget this time that robs us of our precious hours.

I am sorry, so sorry. Drake, Hanna, Michael, don't forget Daddy.. Don't, and don't forget how happy Mommy once was.

I will be again one day, in Heaven. Here on Earth, you'll have to live with it. It's how life is. N. Mommy isn't happy, and all your life you will know why. I love you babies.but I love my husband to.

Help me be strong kids, for you are all I now have.


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