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      Running

     


ve is a powerful thing. It can make you strong and it can make you weak. Real love doesn't seem to have a middle ground, especially when you're young. Let me first begin by saying that we are all human: we make mistakes. But the cowards are the ones who refuse to face these mistakes and decide to run away from them. Running away from your problems and your mistakes may seem like a good idea because you fear the outcome. But if you don't face them, they can cause more harm than good and that pain can last a long time. I had this one boyfriend who was very different than the others. He was sweeter, more intelligent, funny and he adored me. But of course, he had flaws. He was good friends with a guy who was a big time manipulator. He constantly cheated on his girlfriend and used my boyfriend for money. My boyfriend smoked pot, which was something I had stopped doing. It bothered me and it bothered me more that his Manipulative Friend would see this as a way to get my boyfriend away from me. He would talk my boyfriend into spending more time with him smoking pot and drinking rather than spending time with you. My boyfriend ditched me a few times just to hang out with the guys and it bothered me-but I refused to let it show. I didn't want to come off as a nagging girlfriend and I knew that his "friend" would use that one on me to get my boyfriend even farther away from me. I could either talk to him face-to-face about his habits and risk more backlash from his influential friend, or I could keep my mouth shut and pretend to be ok with the situation. I was going through a rather confusing and difficult time in my life when we were dating, so a connection with someone I cared about was important to me. He'd told me to call him whenever I needed someone to talk to, but his behaviour was making it difficult for me to reach out for him. One night, a friend of mine called me up for drinking and I decided to go. I thought about inviting my boyfriend, but changed my mind as I figured that he'd already have plans. So, I went, met up with my friend and the friend that he brought along. All three of us were heavily intoxicated and I started ranting about my boyfriend. The friend who called me up wandered off and I was left alone with his friend, who was also drunk.  One thing led to another. I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway. I was drunk, I was lashing out, I wanted a connection but all I ended up with was shame. I haven't seen my boyfriend since. I didn't answer his calls. Didn't see him. I broke up with him in an e-mail. Pretty cowardly, right? The point is, I ran away from my problems. Instead of telling my boyfriend that I didn't like the way his "friend" was treating him, I avoided him. Instead of talking to him about his drug problem, I ignored it.  If I had told him how I felt straight up without fearing what his "friend" would say or fearing an argument, then I wouldn't have sought refuge in another man's arms. He went to a mutual friend of ours and was near tears, admitting that he thought that I was “the One”. He didn’t know what went wrong and he felt horrible. I felt horrible, too. I ended things to save him from finding out the truth. I know I couldn’t face him again because I knew that I would either tell him the truth and face the consequences, or lie and be filled with guilt.  I was doing what I thought was best for us by ending it now and saving us both from heartache. Unfortunately, I did just the opposite and am still paying for it. I love him. I know I do, and I also know that as I get older I will meet other men and fall in love again and move on with my life.  But that doesn’t stop me from wishing that I had faced my problems-our problems-head on. I learned that the hard way and in the process I lost him and I lost myself.

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