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      Please help. I am lost.

     


This is sort of a long one, just a warning.

 

All my life, I was very shy and withdrawn.  I was molested by my older cousin from the ages 4 to 13.  That was 9 years of my life.  I was also abandoned by my father, and beaten by my step father, so men were definitely on my 'you know what, list'.  I ended up developing a horrible case of eczema when I was 14, and the steroids I had to take thinned my skin and gave me scars.  I'm a dancer (not a stripper), so showing my skin is supposed to be natural.  I became VERY modest and thought that "no boy would ever love me."  So, I became very fond of girls.  They understood me more, and they were definitely less intimidating.  I met my first girlfriend when I was 15, and we were together for 4 years.  With her, I was VERY confident, and I started to become more concerned with boys, because they were naturally what I preferred.  One night, we went to a show to see a few bands.  The drummer of one of the bands caught my girlfriends attention big time.  She thought he was amazing, and I, of course, couldn't care less.  I saw him, and yes, he was amazing, and he was definitely attractive.  But for some reason, I didn't really care until one morning I woke up because I had a strange dream involving him.  It was so weird because the moment I woke up, it felt like I had FEELINGS for him, and I had no clue who he was.  I even broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years because I felt I needed to pursue it, or at least try.  I was far too shy, though.  I could never get myself to talk to him, and I had never told anyone I liked him or anything.  Finally, I told a good guy friend and he ended up knowing the guy and some random Saturday night, a random number calls my cell phone, and it's HIM.  It turns out, he knew who I was all long and had been dying to meet me.  He told me he'd call me the next night to talk.  He DID call, and I was shocked how much we got along! We were like peas and carrots.  And I had never been so happy in my life, I felt like this was the guy of my DREAMS.  I could tell him anything, and he would call me everyday while I was in school (I was in college by this time).  He was amazing to me. 

 

 

We decided to go on a date on Valentine's Day, and I guess I got a little too high maintenance for his taste because he couldn't come pick me up, so I would have to drive, which was no big deal, but he ALSO forgot to make the reservations because he didn't think it was "that big of a deal."  Call me crazy, but I thought that was pretty low.  After that night, slowly but surely, things started to fade.  He would get awfully jealous of any guy I talked to, and would make rude remarks.  It made me feel like he at least CARED, but then again, he completely stopped telling me that he DID care at all.  It became like we were just acquaintances and that broke my heart because I cared for him SO much.  When I would go to shows, he would be there.  He would be standing on stage, looking down on me and smiling.  Or when he would play his drums he would just stare at me nonstop.  All I could ever think was, "Why doesn't he want me?  I've gone my whole life being lost and confused, and now I know exactly what I want.  This guy is standing right in FRONT of me, and I can't have him."  This is the guy that I actually cared about spending my time with, dressing up for, and doing favors.  And all he could do is stare at me and wave like I'm a long lost buddy of his.  I know this story doesn't seem too upsetting or sad to many others, but for me, this was the first guy I'd been involved with so deeply.  This guy was the only one who sat there in the freezing cold and listened to me talk, and when I would finish, he'd ask me to tell him more.  He held me, kissed me, and cared for me like no other.  I don't know what I did, but I feel like in some way it was my fault.  I would have done anything for him.  Now, he's all I ever think about.  It's been 7 months since we've even seen each other and we'll have 5 minute phone conversations once every two months.  Yet, everyday.  He is who I wish would be next to me when I wake up, and the person I kiss at night.  The person I watch football with, and make dinner for..  I just can't believe how lost and confused I am again.  And for once, it's not because I DON'T know what I want. 

 

We also had the same favorite song, and we would listen to it together.  And now, the lyrics break my heart because they fit so well.  Music is my only expression of feelings, so it affects me more than anything. 

 

"It's got to get better," I said "It's all in your head." 

We could live through these letters,

or forget it all together. 

See, the months they don't matter, it's the days I can't take,

When hours move to minutes and I'm seconds away.

 

Just ask the question, come untie the knot.

Say you wont care.

Retrace the steps, as if we forgot,

say you won't care.

Try to avoid it, but there's not a doubt,

and there's one thing I can do nothing about. 

 

When all that we need, is just a reaction,

it's too much to ask for when there's no attraction anymore.

If chasing our dreams is just a distraction,

I want to remember when I know that I can't go back.

 

Just ask the question come untie the knot,

say you won't care.

Retrace the steps, as if we forgot,

say you won't care.

Try to avoid it, but there's not a doubt,

and there's one thing I can do nothing about.

 

 

 

If anyone could give me some advice, word of the wise, anything?

 

I'm so lost. 

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