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      She could not say no to her mom-ever

     


I met Sandi though mutual friends and while I was never a believer in love at first sight, I wanted to marry Sandi after our first date. We were quite the couple for more then a year and then I proposed and she accepted. When we broke the news to our families, my family was very happy and excepted Sandi, without a second thought; my sister was even asked to be a bride's maid. Her family however was far from happy. her mother, who was by far the one in charge, only thought we were friends and nothing serious was going on. She berated Sandi for keeping our relationship such a secret and was not willing to give us "her blessing." While I didn't care one way or the other, it was very important to Sandi, so we waited and I got to know the family and they eventually accepted me and we were married more then year after I proposed. We were blissful at first, but Sandi has terrible boundary issues with her family, especially her mother. When we bought our home, her mother insisted she come with us and hated every house we chose until we found something much closer to where she lived. That way she could pop in whenever she wanted to, sometimes when we were not there just to "check on the home" which I guess included going through our mail and our drawers so she could comment that we spend to much money on nonsense. I tried desperatly to have Sandi be stronger with her mom, but it always ended in a guilt trip with her mom leaving angry and Sandi upstairs crying.

 

I tried to reason with my mother in law by visiting her alone and explained how she was infringing upon our personal lives and it needed to stop. When I left her mother was understanding, but continued to interfere because as she would say "Sandi said I could."

 

The final event came when I was offered a large promotion in Houston , TX which would have required us to move. The promotion meant a much higher salary and living in a nice house in warm climate. Sandi was so happy and felt this was so deserved. her mother however again laid the guilt trip on her and stated we were doing this deliberatly to get away from her and if we went, fine consider ourselves cut off. That was a bold statement considering we never took anything from her from the day I met her. We moved to Houston and settled into a four bedroom home and Sandi adapted quickly to the new home and made friends with several nice couples our age. Sandi could not get over the sense of loss from her mom and for a while any attempts Sandi made to speak to her mom were met with hostility. Finally Sandi's mother contacted her through a letter which indicated that she was angry about her decision to move away and she feels a sense of betrayal, as to how close a family they are (Sandi's brother and sister and their families all live very close to her mom and allow mom's involvement into their personal lives.) and that Sandi has thrown all that away but could get it back up moving back to Connectict. That was not a possibility as my old position was filled and I would have to start all over again in a different company at  less money. Sandi was not giving in at first but that was breaking her up inside and she told me that she couldn't stay any longer and was leaving; the pressure was just too great.

 

For several months after Sandi's departure I looked for jobs in CT, but anything comparable was in either Boston or NYC, which was anywhere from 2-3 hours away from where Sandi's mother lived and that was still not acceptable. 

 

I feel like a fool sometimes when I think about our delay in marriage was a indicator of what was ahead. I guess I believed love would conquer all.  

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