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      Honestly

     


hefirst day that I remember you…the first image that comes to my mind is…”“Sexual Chocolate?” “No seriously…my door…and me standing before it…with suchanxiety that I could hardly open it. But I did it anyway. I had to. I couldhave ignored you but that would have been rude. I stepped outside and I lookand I saw you walking towards the house as though you had been walking to myhouse for years. As if you knew exactly where it was, exactly who I was, andyou were coming to me. In fact, looking back in hindsight, I think to myself,“Maybe someone was sending me to you, sending you to me…like…maybe we were soulmates and you… just knew where to go.” It was even a coincidence that you knewthe area because Heather lived in the same area at one point. It was hard tofind at all. Nothing was hard about us getting together. Everything wassurprisingly easy, surprising fast and before I knew it, the pieces werealready together.

“Ithink I remember the look on your face the most. You were just staring withthis… intensity about you, yea that’s what I would call it, that I had neverbeen around before. I felt as though I could feel your energy even though youstill…at least…ten feet away from me. I got a warm feeling in my chest. I don’tthink because I realized that you weren’t a monster. I mean you didn’t lookcrazy or anything like that. I think it was because somehow or another…maybe… Idon’t know…I felt our souls sensed each other and kind of reached out. Soon asyou came to my door I felt as though I wanted to give you a hug, but I didn’teven know you; not really, I mean we had talked a few times on the phone butnothing really serious. You sat down beside me and, you know I think about itand hmm, well for one I feel like you are so different from what I initiallythought you would turn out to be. I was so convinced that you were gonna turnout to be something hooorrrrible since everything else had been hooorrrrible. Iknew that you’d be horrible because I liked you, and that was always bad luck.But you sat down beside me and I wanted you to do what I was comfortable with,which was to be all over me.

“Ihad been used to people just handling me. This was the first time in a longtime that I actually wanted a man to touch me, but you stayed away. I wasmentally devastated, racking my brain trying to figure out, ‘how many inchesshould I move to the right…hmm…maybe I should breathe in deeply so that mybreast rise and he’ll notice me. Should I scoot over a little bit, should Istay where I am, should I say something, should I make a joke, or should I justwatch the movie?’ I waited…by the end of the movie I had pretty much given up.I thought that you had sat there and rode it out like a gentleman, but that youreally weren’t interested. Then you made me take some little quiz. You asked meall these stupid questions to try and decipher who I really was and I thought tomyself, ‘Maybe he might still be interested in who I really am.’ Nobody hadeven been interested in that before. The thought excited me…more than sittingnext to you had.

“Andsomehow we ended up in the kitchen. I don’t remember how or why, but Iremembering having to let the fat dog out and her taking foorrever to squat andpee. The flipside of that ordeal was being so close to you and you turning andlooking at me…between those eyes and the initial warmness that I felt…I feltdrawn to you. I just wanted to run into your arms, which was kind of scary atfirst, but I learned to get used that because that’s how it is always.”

“BabyI remember our first date as well as you do. You know that I do. Well that’s ifyou could call it a date. Even now your parents have a death lock on you.Besides, it was the first time I’d ever gone to a girl’s house and actually“watched” a movie. The Muppets Christmas Carol…what a strange date, but it mademe even more interested in you. As I sat there look at Rizzo the rat eatingeverything and anything, and you finding this somehow extremely amusing, I cameto the conclusion that you were definitely an oddity , but somehow it attractedme to you. I didn’t understand it but I went with where this interaction seemedto be taking me. Seemed like as soon as we kissed I knew we were at thebeginning of a story of sorts. I never really had the chance to think of thepros and cons of beginning a relationship at that point in my life. The thoughtof preservation didn’t even occur to me until months later…in hindsight I wishit would have happened sooner…”

“Ifanyone should be thinking that now it should be me! Forget sooner, it shouldhave never happened Sean! I have so many emotions attached to you that maybesometimes it is very difficult to hide the way I really feel deep down inside.And I never want to hurt you by saying things that I can not take back. But youdeserve to know the truth and I don't think that it is benefiting either of usthat I keep my emotions locked down inside. There are so many incidents thathave changed the way I feel about you and this relationship that I hardly knowon which end of the spectrum I’m sitting, but I still came here today ready. Ihate the fact that you think that I don't want this to last. I can't even beginto figure out how to defend and answer the accusations that you are have beenthrowing towards me via text message for the last hour. How could you thinkthat I don't want this to work? I'm the one who has wanted a family with youfrom the very beginning even though I hardly knew you and you hadn't even hadthe courage to say that you loved me yet.

“Ihad my own troubles as well, but at least I had the courtesy to have them lastnight! “What do you mean by that, what happened last night!?!” “If you calmdown I’d be able to tell you. How ridiculous you are being right now! I meanhonestly you are screaming at me through a fucking door you idiot!” “Don’tchange the subject cookiepuss.” “Fine, last night I dreamed of a conversationthat we had with Mrs. Sylvia and how she had read my palm and told me that Iwasn't happy and that I was not with who I was meant to be with. I remembertrying to shrug it off but you asked about it as though I would confess thatthere was someone else that I loved more than I loved you. This just wasn'ttrue and still is not. I tried to explain it to you by saying that when we metyou were a different person and that was the man that I feel in love with.Since then I believed that you had changed as far as your feelings towards me.

“Whenwe first got together I believed that I was so lucky. You were so handsome andyour smile made me blush every time you flashed it. But it was your eyes thatmade me feel like you were something special. And you were to me. You were sovery special to me and you showed me things that I had never seen before andthat no one had ever taken the time to show me before. Like the meteor shower.I think about that all the time now a days. I wish you still thought enoughabout me to think of things like that. But there is so many other things goingon right now that I honestly feel as though you and I are on the back burner.But there was a time when I had blind faith in you and us and thisrelationship. I threw everything I had left in me, every seed that had thepotential to grow into love I gave to you. I held onto you as though you wouldrescue me from my own self-destruction. I was someone that I didn't recognizeand that scared me to death because I didn't remember how to be any otherway...until you.

“Youmade me feel safe and warm. You made me feel truly desired and I wanted tochange and be different for you, better. That is why I fought so fiercely tokeep you near me even though everyone else thought it was the worst thing thatI could ever do. I didn't care I just wanted you and I fought so hard to keepyou around and I wanted you to let me into your life and love me, truly love me.I wanted that so bad that nothing else mattered. And when I got pregnant Ithought at first that this was a sign. As much sex as I was having before ithad never happened, but with you it happened right away. I was so scared but Ihad confidence in the fact that you would take care of me and find a way tomake things work. When that didn't work the way I had planned I tried tounderstand where you were coming from and understand that is wasn't the righttime. And I did in a way even though it killed me inside.

“Ithought it was the only way that I could keep you. And by that time I was so inlove with you that I felt I had no choice but to see your reason; unfortunatelysoon after you didn't want to hang out with me anymore. I wasn't enough for youanymore. I couldn't do anything to keep you with me and no matter what I triedto do you went in the opposite direction of me. I would make elaborate dinnersfor you as a big surprise on days and nights when you would say you would stopby and you would never show. Then you would chastise me for trying to surpriseyou and not just telling you. I would get so excited when you would get offfrom work that I would spend hours before your shift ended trying to findsomething perfect to wear that would make you want me enough for you to staywith me for more than a couple of hours. But when the time would come for youto get off you were no where to be found.

“Youwould not answer my calls, you would just ignore me. But I thought you lovedme? How could you do that to someone you love? I don't have to continue to talkabout what happened after all that because you know. But that is one of myquestions to you. What was so great with those guys? Why wasn't I enough? Whydid you turn away from me? How could you leave me by myself for so long wonderingand worrying about you? You knew that I loved you and you took advantage of me.You knew that I would wait around for you no matter what you did becauseI clung onto as my hero. You knew that and you just didn't care. Yet stillI loved you so much I pretended for so long not to care and that it didn'tbreak my heart and cut at my very soul. I hated the fact that I wasn't enoughto satisfy you; that you felt the need to stay out night after night with menwho cared nothing about your well-being.”

“Mywell-being, no that wasn’t exactly what they had their mind on. At that time inmy life I thought I had everything you know? I had a job, a car, friends, andmost of all a woman who loved me. Maybe somehow it’s only natural for men toact out when things are trying to straighten themselves out. The life of ablack man is always a struggle; maybe I felt that something was wrong because Ididn’t have to struggle. You made things so easy for me, so easy…I wanted tosettle, honest I did. I don’t really know what got into me. I just wanted tohave fun and enjoy everything I had. It wasn’t me running from you because ofthe drama connected with the baby. I wanted that baby as much as you did baby.I just couldn’t take care of it, what kind of man would I have been if Icouldn’t take care of you and my baby? And besides I had wanted to give youwhat you wanted which was not a baby out of marriage. I didn’t ever expectthings to get so out of hand.”

“Yeaof course you didn’t, who would have? Of course I didn’t know what to expectfrom you, you were hardly around for me to even make a good hypothesis. So whenyou got in trouble I was sure that you were going to tell me that you had beencheating on me. And still I rode the El, the sub, and the bus to hear you sayit and to tell you that I didn't care, that I still wanted to be with you. Iloved you so much I was willing to forget my pride, my dignity, my self-respectto be with you; for you to love me as much as I loved you. Then when youtold me the truth my heart sank so low I thought I was going to be sick. Ashard as I had tried to keep you away from my dirt you had found trouble all onyour own. Something I had been afraid of with you and your drinking buddies.

“Honestly,and I have never told you this, I thought that all the dreams that I had withyou, any plans that we had made, were all over. I thought that was the end ofeverything. I thought you were going to jail and that even if you didn't thingswould be so much harder for us. You would have a record and the jobs andopportunities I had wanted for you would no longer be available to you. I feltlike the dream I had made with you was falling to pieces. But I tried so hardto be positive with you even though I was so disappointed and even feeling alittle betrayed that our lives' dreams had been destroyed over the safety ofanother woman. Even still I got over it as best I could but never once did youthink to apologize for any of these things because I assume you didn't thinkanything was wrong in your actions or that they even really affected me inanyway. Yet after this, I thought that we were stronger and better than before.I thought that this would make us so much closer, but I was wrong.

“Thatwhole episode with Heather threw me for a real loop. I never saw that comingand when it did I just knew for sure that everything was going to be alright; thatyou would be my hero and come save me from this mess. I had faith and confidencein you and your family… both were blown to the wind almost as fast as I hadgained them. I have never felt such pain in my heart then when you did not showup that night or call or even acknowledge my existence. My mother sat there andtold me that I would never be a main priority for you as long as heather wasapart of your life. And I acted so fiercely that she was actually scared of mybehavior and told me countless times that I was out of control and that youwere not feeling the same emotions for me at that time and certainly not actinglike a madman. I thought this was a lie and that she was just jealous andso many other things I thought in my head that night. But nevertheless Iknew in my heart and in my soul that you would come and make it right.

“Myfather gave me an ultimatum that if you didn't speak to my parents that nightwe were over and done with. I just knew that this would never be. But I was sowrong. And I made such a fool out of myself testifying to your great love forme and how you would never in a million years leave me by myself to face thisbattle. But you did and not only did you leave me alone but you went yet againto another woman's rescue. I have never forgiven you for that and that's thehonest truth. You changed everything I felt for you with that. My spirit wasjust broken and my heart bled with the sorrow of knowing that your love for mewas not as great as I had once thought. I lost my faith in you and my trust inyou. And even still I tried to get over it even though I thought I would besaying goodbye to you forever. Another question is here, how could you put mein that position? How could you put us in a position where someone could comebetween us and tear us apart? I didn't even know how to survive without you andyou told me that I would never have to do that, but I did. And it hurt so badto be without you… so bad. And to think of how you had let me down on so manydifferent levels tore me apart inside. How could I believe anything you eversaid after that about always being around? Being around forever?”

“BabyI do love you so very much. I want to be around you; it’s not that I don’t.It’s not that I ever haven’t. “So what is it Sean?” It’s complicated toexplain, of course I’ll try, but it’s really very complicated. I had to go toher first, she is the mother of my son, and though I don’t care for her anymoreI could not lose my son. I had to make sure that didn’t happen. I would haverisked losing something I loved either way. It was a gamble and I chose my son.I always will and you know that. And I’m aware not that you weren’t asking meto choose, but I felt like you were. The situation wasn’t fair, “Life’s notfair Sean,” Yes baby I’m aware of this, but I just didn’t know how to handleit. I’m so sorry for hurting you that way. I know it was a very rough time; itwas for me as well. I cried in front of your mother when she told me I had toback off you for a while until she could smooth things over with your father.You were my world and I couldn’t even think about not seeing you for one daylet alone never again. Yet somehow I knew everything would turn out alright.”

“Alright?What a joke! You told me time and time again that everything was going to bealright and that you would make things alright. But that did not happen either.Our one glimpse of hope slipped right through your fingers with Sunoco. Thatwould have brought so many changes for the better, but your past came back tohaunt you and my fears that our dreams of life together came true in thatmoment. I felt so horrible for you and at the same time disappointed in myselffor not keeping you out of trouble, as though I had any power over you. Themore disconnected I became in my thoughts and feelings the more I didn't wantto hear a word you said. I just didn't believe you, I didn't feel anything.Your tears meant very little. It was far too late for that.

“Ifelt like I had to be away from you and so that's what I did. And I watched youcry and felt little feeling. I was sorry to hurt you but in a way I thought yousomehow would learn from our break-up and maybe we would meet later in life andtry again. I still loved you very much but it was as if my heart had gone intopreservation mode towards you. I was cold to you and didn't like it so I stayedaway from you. And Karl was the complete opposite of you. He always wanted tobe around me and for once someone liked me more than I liked them. He wanted meto meet his family so fast. He was proud to be with me and almost felt as thoughhe was so lucky to find me; like he had been waiting his whole life to find someonelike me. He swept me around into a place where I didn't have to think about thepain, the disappointment, the sadness of it all. But it was all a hoax becauseas soon as another man touched me I knew that I only wanted to be touched byyou, no matter how much I hated you.

“AndI let myself go, and saw you, and made love to you, and found myself once againwith your child. And once again I thought this was a sign that this was meantto be, but you didn't. And once again I wanted to be with you so bad that Ididn't complain or try to change your mind. You and I finding each other againwas not a sign enough that we should try harder and go through the trouble oftrying to have a family together. That was a stab in my heart that I don'tthink I'll ever get over. Another question...would it have been so hard?Couldn't we have thought about it a little bit more? Why haven't you ever toldyour family that I was with your child? Why do our troubles and mistakes haveto remain remote to your family, but up front and funky in mine? Are youashamed of what we did? Do you ever think of how I deal with that from day today seeing Kaesean and having to hear about his mother, the one that got thechance? You never even gave me a chance at being the mother of your child, why?If you love me so much more than you loved her why didn't you try? I think of mybrother in debt and with no job at all and he is overjoyed that the womanhe loves is going to bear his child! Why weren't you? Why wasn't I enough foryou to take a gamble?

“Afterthat I had a new found hate for your son's mother and spent thousands ofdollars with Mrs. Sylvia trying to get rid of her and detach her from yourlife. I was tired of being the other woman in your life. I wanted you to startto really live your life with me. Make plans with me. Really love me. You sayyou wanna marry me, you say you want children with me but when we have thechance you don't. I don't understand why things have to be so complicated. Ifyou love me than love should be enough but your pride overshadows your love andI'm the one that ends up being hurt. I do love you more than anything andanyone but I need to know where you really stand with me because I can'tcontinue to shed tears for the things you'll never give me. I want a husband, afamily, a life with you where you love me more than anything and wouldsacrifice everything for me, anything for me. I want you to listen to and tryto understand that the only thing that I have ever wanted is for you to loveme, be in love with me, as much as I am with you. This is what I want for us...andhere we are. I’m ready, are you?”

“Ijust don’t know if I can do this…I love you I do. I just have to figure out whyI feel like I’m about to have a heart attack right now. This should be easy.This is what I want, honestly it is. I think I just need some air; yes airwould do me good right now. I’ll be back when I’ve got some fresh air in mylungs. Then I’ll be ready, honestly I will.” She heard the clicking of his dress shoes and the remote sound of thetrees rustling as he closed the door on the other side of the wall. It was badluck to see the bride before the wedding he had said. With her forehead stillpressed onto the wooden door, she slid down onto the floor and a black-tintedteardrop hit her cascading gown.

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