Love wasn't meant to be easy
This story is just to say that love is never easy, and it's not meant to be but when you feel something in your heart then you should listen to that. You cannot fight it well you can but it just makes you miserable and unhappy trust me I know because I did it for more than four years before I finally decided to do anything about it.
I’m not very good at computers or typing so its going to take me a little while to type this story but I want to do it because I think what has happened to me is so amazing and I just want to tell the whole world all about it.
I fell in love with Lily the first time I met her – I don’t know what it was about her exactly but I was just captivated by her the first time I laid eyes on her. She was beautiful and smart and talented and all that but then so are lots of other girls. There was just something different about Lily, kind of an innocence or something I don’t know, it just drew me to her and made me want to be around her.
We started dating after about 5 months which for me was a long time. Normally if I like a girl and she likes me well we just hook up and go from there. But Lily was different – she had big trust issues and it took me a long time for her to believe that I wasn’t just going to use her for sex or something. When we finally we started dating everything was great. Better than great actually, it was amazing. She made me feel like the luckiest guy in the world. She just had to look at me and I felt this rush of love go through me it was really powerful . Every time we would go out somewhere together, I had to be really protective because so many guys were always checking her out and I always worried that someone was going to hurt her.
We lived together for about a year or so and while most of the time things were good, we had started fighting a fair bit. Not over anything major just more about stupid things like she said I never did any housework and so she would nag me and I’d just tell her to leave me alone when I come home from work and let me have a beer and watch the sport and she never would. Just stupid things really. Lily is not the most easygoing person in the world and she can be incredibly rigid and uncompromising when she wants to be. I never stopped loving her but after a few more months the fighting started to get worse and I didn’t know how to handle it. I started withdrawing from her and drinking more and pretty much just doing my own thing cos I didn’t know where things were going with us. Lily had graduated from college in the fall and had got a really good job and I started to feel like I was holding her back. Lily’s smart, she’s gorgeous and she is a really, really sweet girl. I couldn’t understand why someone like her would want to be with me. I thought it was only a matter of time before she came to her senses and realised she could have any guy she wanted. One day after about a week of non-stop fighting I just couldn’t take it any more and broke up with her. I told her we were going in different directions and I didn’t want to be the one that got in the way of her achieving all her dreams.
I moved out of the apartment we had been sharing and found my own place. I started seeing someone else, and tried to move on. Life was certainly easier without Lily, there was no doubt about that, but it was also pretty empty. My new girlfriend was nice and easy to get along with, but in my heart I was still in love with Lily. Every morning I’d wake up and think of her, wonder if she was seeing anyone new. I imagined her with all these hot, rich guys who would be able to give her everything I never could. I missed her terribly but still felt in my heart I’d done the right thing because surely, Lily and I were never going to have a future together. I had to set her free, let her go, let her find someone that was better suited to giving her all the wealth and comfort she deserved.
After about a year, I couldn’t stand it any longer. My new girlfriend and I had broken up, my job was on the line and all my friends were either getting married, moving away or having kids. I was alone and unhappy. I called Lily and asked her if we could catch up for dinner. I took her to our favorite restaurant and ordered her favorite meal. It had been so long since I’d seen her, yet it felt like we’d never been apart. We started talking and I asked her how she’d been , who she’d been seeing, what she’d been up to. She said she’d dated a few different guys, but wasn’t really attracted to any of them. When I kissed her goodnight, I felt the most intense feeling of belonging rush through my body. Holding her in my arms was like having my soul come back to me. I felt complete for the first time since we’d broken up.
We got back together but after a few months, it was pretty obvious that history was repeating itself. Lily and I were so deeply, madly attracted to each other, yet for some reason, we just could not seem to make a relationship work. We must have broken up, and got back together at least 5 times over the next year, every time each of us swearing off each other for good. It was a classic case of us being unable to live with each other but unable to be apart from each other.
Finally I couldn’t do it anymore. I had to end it once and for all. I cut all ties with Lily, deleted her number from my phone, changed jobs, and moved 6 hours interstate. I started seeing a local girl in the new town, and though it was hard at first I soon became quite comfortable with my new girlfriend. We had the kind of easy, relaxed relationship that was just so simple. She didn’t hassle me, let me do my own thing and was so easy to get along with. I didn’t love her like I loved Lily but she was a nice girl and we got along very well. After we’d been dating for about 9 months, I had to go back to my old town for a funeral. I wasn’t sure if Lily was going to be there but I told myself it would be okay, I was over her now. I had a new girlfriend and I was happy. I would never go back to the kind of tumultuous, heartbreaking torment that she and I had put each other through.
That resolve lasted all of five seconds after seeing Lily. There she was, standing at the funeral looking more gorgeous than I’d ever seen her before. I was drawn to her all over again, it was like meeting her for the first time so many years before. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. My heart was thumping like a child on Christmas morning. She looked so sad, so fragile. I wanted to take her in my arms and hold her, pull her close to me and never let her go. But I couldn’t. I thought of my new girlfriend waiting for me back interstate. I thought of the fights and the arguments that I’d had with Lily and how I promised myself I would never, ever go through that again. I left the funeral the second it was over, afraid that if I lingered half a second longer, I would lose all resolve. I drove back to my new town in a state of blurred confusion. The pain of having to leave Lily without so much as a hello was too much. I tried to tell myself that I was doing the right thing for my future. I had tried with Lily, and it hadn’t worked. Things were working with my current girlfriend and I didn't want to risk losing losing that.
The next few months of my life were so hard. Seemed like no matter how hard I tried, I could not get Lily out of my head. Everywhere I turned, everything I did, reminded me of her in some way. I kept seeing her standing by herself at the funeral, unshed tears shining in her eyes. I tried to pretend that nothing was wrong, and get on with my life, but it was futile. My girlfriend knew nothing about Lily but began to worry that I was cheating on her because I never wanted to be intimate with her anymore. I felt terrible. She had done nothing wrong, and was a lovely girlfriend but she was not Lily. I loved her and didn’t want to hurt her but could not make myself feel the same degree of attraction to her that I had to Lily.
My life had become nothing more than a miserable existence, trapped in a relationship with a girl I should love, but all the while longing for the girl I did love. There was no one I could talk to about my predicament. My friends all thought Lily was bad for me, so they were happy that I appeared to have moved on with my life and put the past behind me. If only they knew how wrong they were. How it wasn’t that simple. How Lily was still always in my mind and how my heart still ached for her. I spent months living in misery, not knowing what to do or how to make things right. I probably would have gone on like that indefinitely, had I not received a phone call late one night from Lily.
It was the kind of phone call that stops you cold, paralyzes you with fear and dread and makes you feel like you cannot move. I was frozen on the spot, numbed into oblivion. A drunk driver had gone through an intersection and collided with Lily’s tiny car. She was taken to hospital in a state of shock and stress and was too shaken up to speak. She was sedated and when she came to, my name was the first thing she said. A nurse called me after finding my number in her cell phone. I cannot begin to describe the series of emotions that coursed through me after that phone call. I had an out of body experience, in the sense that things suddenly became clear to me. After months of haziness, blurred, drunken confusion and genuine apathy, the light for me had finally dawned.
Life was as complicated or as simple as you wanted it to be. And I didn’t want anymore complications. Lily was my girl and that’s all that mattered. For all the ups and downs, the pain, the torment, the agony, there was no one else I would rather have by my side for the rest of my life. The thought that she could almost have been taken away from me was too much to even think about. I realized then that no matter what we had been through in the past, the future was unwritten. The only certainty at that point, was that whatever happened, Lily and I were going to be together.
And we are. It hasn’t been easy, but then nothing in life ever really is. Lily and I share a bond that no one else can or will ever understand. People look at us and don’t realize how lucky we are to have found each other. They just see us as the odd couple that makes no sense. But we know who we are. And we know that no matter what happens, the future is ours to share. Lily, I love you more than words can say. You are my girl.