My pain My Confusion My life
I don't know what's wrong with me I can stop feeling this way. I saw her today and it hurt, it hurt so much to gaze at her like I once did. What was once a state of bliss is now replaced with agony and hate, along with confusion and pain. I didn't love her I only like her but I never talk to her not once, I was afraid of what the out come would be afraid to be shot down or rejected for being me witch is not good enough, at least it doesn’t feel good enough.
I want talk to her I really did, every time I saw her my heart latterly skipped a beat. I was determined to talk to her so I sent her a rose on valentines day but I didn’t pit my name on it because I was afraid again, afraid of what she might think and I was afraid that if would ruin the meaning if the rose. Its not like im a bad guy, pll say im extremely nice and that I should talk to her and that she would like me, but I though other wise and I guess in a way I was right, no I was totally right. I added her on Facebook and to my surprise she added me the same day, I was once again in a state of bliss and even more so when we started talking, we “wall to walled” each other about 4-5 times I decided that would be now be friends so I asked for her email and she granted my wish. It was the happiest day of my life. Every time I fall for a girl she always punk me off or I would never talk to them because I was afraid of what would happened because it always happened. We talked on msn ONCE. It was in the same 5 seconds she gave me her email and right after she said she was tired and wanted to go to bed, and she left.
The next day I wanted to talk to her but she obviously had different plans, not a word came form her. I tried for two weeks, and I came to the conclusion that she did not want anything to do with me. it hurt but I figured, “what ever if she going to act like that then she’s not even worth it.” and she isn’t. I want to believe that she isn’t but I never talk to her in person so that conclusion is not mine to make. I really liked her but in time I got over her or so I thought, I just saw her again over the summer break. I thought I would never see her but she had to cone into my field of vision. As I said b4 when I saw her my thought of bliss were consumed with anger and pain but I did feel bliss for a moment, which meant that after all that hard labor of trying to ditch the goddess, I failed, I fear I am going insane at that tender age of 18, I don’t care what anyone thinks anymore, im tired by living my worn out mottos, such as “lifes too short” or “grow some balls” or “ just get some confidence” of “what makes them so different from me”. Because I see now that it wont work.
It only causes my inevitable pain. I must be losing my mind because I never knew this girl, I never talked to her in person but she somehow knew I liked her, she found out and told one of her friends. Her friend asked “why don’t u just talk to her” I did and look what happened, it led me to this stupid note.
Its funny because the girl im talking about was a transfer student she failed classes in gr 12 and came back a year and just happened to be put in my school in my class right beside me. And every day I would have a front row seat view of the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen.
But the cold hard truth is that ever since I saw her, she’s been on my mind, day in and day out even as I write this note at 3:42 am because I cannot sleep, her face plagues my dreams like a ghost, as I was saying, even thought she’s always on my mind…I unfortunately am NEVER on hers, and that’s what hurts the most. This is not some story I made up, it is true and it is the drama of a none existent love ordeal of a teenager, I know u say i'm too young or plenty of fish in the sea or even im bloody insane but I wanted her to be my fish.
It may sound selfish but why am I never allowed to get what I want, just once, and all I wanted was her.