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      Will I ever know?


I am married 2 years, bad move!! I knew before we married it wasn't for me, we are 2 entirely different people with different personalities but to escape the daily traumas of life I went ahead knowing I shouldn't, and who is paying the price for that now? john is!! john is my husband you see, and is a very sweet guy but we are not meant to be together, I think if he were honest he'd say the same, I thought I could plod on and take life as it hit me but now know that I cant do that any longer i'm making my life a misery and John's life too which isn't fair, you see he had a couple of affairs which I know of and caught him out which he denied (obviously) and broke my heart, I felt so much for him (a different love) that I forgave him and we carried on except we never really carried on, he wont ever talk as he thinks silence is the best way forward which has resulted in me giving up (I tried and wont try any more).

I cant bear him near me and haven't since the affairs which he conveniently forgets about which has resulted in me having an affair which I don't feel the slightest bit guilty, the heartbreaking thing is?? he now thinks everything is great but I know different!!! I was willing to defy the odds and have a marriage, his affairs changed all that before mine did! now my affair doesn't seem much either, always on his term etc.. do you ever really know "the one" or "will I ever know" my heart is broken for what i'm doing to John although it shouldn't, but John, I don't love you and never have, for that i'm sorry as you will always have a special place in my heart and I only want what is best for you which is not with me which is why I think I should set you free as you obviously don't love me and I don't you either at least not in the way we should, ill never ever forget you and your family for all you have done, but this is two sided, not anyone's fault.

I wish you all the bestxxxxxxxxx


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