I wouldn't want to classify my story as a heartache story, cos i am only filled with love for him and filled with the love from God. there are still the occasional heartaches as the break up is just almost a week old. but i believe God will give me the strength to move this emotional mountain away and move on, well... without him.
i'd say, that church brought us closer together. we were JC classmates. he is a good friend of li and li was my only close friend in class. he loves to disturb girls, so whenever the three of us hung out together, i'll get his 'bullying'. it made me quite scared of him, but still, i always look forward to seeing him around because at least, he showed me some attention. soon, i look forward to going to school cos he is there.
i rmb that day when i fell in love with him. we just started hanging out with each other quite abit, without liang, cos both of us would go to church together. that day, we were on our way to church and i noticed the advertisements on the train. so i suggested us to walk down the whole train, through the many carriages to check out the different printed advertisements. to my surprise, he agreed to do it! as i stared at his back while we walked past the whole world in the train, i felt that moment belonged to us only.
then, we began to share a closer friendship. at one class outing, we were at clarke quay and i just sighed out loud at the beautiful scenery," how i wish i can have a camera." the next week, he messaged me to ask if he could date me. i went, all dressed up. he asked me,"aren't you too dressed up for the occasion?" i told him,"well, i don't even know what we are going to do." he actually borrowed his mother's camera and brought the both of us back to clarke quay to take photos! i was really touched, and from that day onwards, i was totally in love with him. we almost spent everyday together afterwards, and we messaged each other everyday from morning till night. i spent my christmas and new year with him, talking on the phone from midnight till morning at 7am! he'd tell me how he longed to get married and how he longed to have somebody to hug.
he often said things like,” what if one day I fall in love with you” or “ how do you think li is going to respond if I tell him that I love you”. I was misled into thinking him that he liked me.
on christmas day, he told me he was thinking of someone. i asked who, confident that it was me. however, my heart broke when he told me it was someone else. for the next few months till chinese new year, i held back my affections for him and became their matchmaker. when we went out, he'd talk so fervently about that girl, and though my heart ached, I just wanted so much to be part of his life. that girl is my good friend, and I asked her if she liked him, and she told me she didn’t feel anything for him. I was afraid to tell him, I didn’t want to break his heart. however, he gave up after the girl rejected to go out with him a few times.
we continued to hang out together, and then one day I asked him,” we spend so much time together. what if i fall in love with you?” he replied me with a “haha”, and I was so embarrassed. After that, he told me that he had actually been asking God to bring to him the girl whom God has for him, and that girl would confess her feelings to him first.
then, we were on very good terms and he told me that he thinks he likes me too. but we decided to wait it out after the A levels. he was quite a big-shot in school, plays the guitar really well, his band won in the school competition, he runs in competitions, he cooks, he plays with lego, he behaved like such a baby. So I’d call him, ‘my baby’. I felt small next to him, i felt that I didn’t deserve him, that he was too good for me. but he said,” that’s not up to you to decide. anyway, nobody is deserving of anybody, just like how we are not deserving of Jesus’ love. “ he asked me to be his, on 18 april 2006. he took my hand on the bus and wrote, “will you be mine?”
during the course of our relationship, I was very insecure of his love for me. when we are together, we can be so happy. I was always over at his house, did housework for him, we cooked together, I’d watch him play his guitar, he taught me to dance, we’d dance together, we studied together. but I was always angry with him for some reason, and he was also impatient and always finding fault in me. we brought emotional abuse to each other, with many cold wars. our problems never got solved, cos we only knew how to ignore each other when im mad at him. yet he was the most forgiving lover. For the first few times when I cried because of my insecurities and jealousies, he’d sit me down and assure me that he will not be unfaithful. he told me that I did not have to be afraid of the love that he shows to others, because that is what God does for all of us.
i controlled him and suffocated him. i got even more insecure when he started asking for more free time on his own, and when he stopped doing the things he’d used to do for me. then, he decided it is time to move on. we weren’t growing, he said. It isn’t going to work out, he said. I was devastated. we had been together for almost one and a half year. I lost my greatest companion, my greatest lover, my greatest support, a second home (house), a second family.
today, i think of him when I hear the sound of the guitar. It was painful and hard to bear, but God really comforted me and took away my grief and resentment for him, and replaced it with His heart that loves him. I go to the Lord, unsure what I should pray for. I know I should say,” Lord, please give me faith and remove all my emotional attachments to him.” but what I want to say is,” Lord, please bring him back to me again.” still, God has been a real comfort to me as I sunk into post- break up grief and bitterness. He taught me to thank him for any circumstance. praise Him when we win, and when we lose… we praise Him too. and i know that, He has good things in store for me. He always had, has, and will have.
darling, i miss you.