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      You will never know


I was with this girl for years. She was there when I was having a hard time dealing with my recent break-up with another girl. She became a friend, a confidant, and for some reason I found myself drawn to her in ways I never imagined. Sure she was drop dead gorgeous, kind, carrying, strong, funny, witty and all, but I just couldn't keep wondering why she is always there for me, even if she knows that I was still in love with my ex. Eventually, I fell in love with her, moved on and forgot about the bitterness and sadness that I felt with my ex, but there was something inside that would constantly tell me something was wrong.

We spent years of fighting and making up, drama after drama, but I just couldn't let her go. She loved me more than I did her, and that drove me insane; that I could not reciprocate equally. She asked me to just love her, and I told her that I do, but that she doesn't see it. Actions speak louder than words, she told me. Eventually, things got worse, and the good days were just once in a blue moon. She learned of my vices, abusing my body to forget my problems and worries instead of facing them head-on. But she stayed. She made me promise to stop. And, eventually I did. I was sober for a while, but relapse occurred. Yet she still stayed. Despite the mood swings and the tantrums and the constant psychotic episodes that I had, she stayed. But a person can only take so much. We broke up, several times during the past few years, but this time it was serious, at least more serious than before. But the thing is she still wanted to try and salvage what we had. She even asked me if she could go out on a date, and just try to see how it would feel like. She didn't have to ask me, she just did because she cared about my feelings. I told her it would be fine, or at least I thought it would be. We were going on a vacation and I wanted to make up for everything. We didn't talk for a month to avoid any more fights. And for the time that we didít talk, I reflected on everything that happened between us and that weird feeling I had inside that something was wrong. Eventually I found the answer. Something was wrong because I couldnít believe that I was given another chance to feel this way, to feel love this way and more. And that just gave me more reasons to give out extra effort to win her heart back. When we did go for our vacation, I noticed that she was cold. I guess she was still affected from all the fights and tears that I caused her. But she still went. We went out for the night, and she had something to do with a friend who was working that time. So me and her friends spent the night dancing and enjoying. Then I caught a glimpse of her talking to this guy. She was smiling and having fun, and jealousy and sadness struck. Amplified by alcohol, I would have gone back to my old ways and caused a scene and make trouble. But I didnít want that. I didnít want her to feel bad. So I just left for the hotel, and tried to wait it out there.

I thought about it, and for the years that we were together, she felt like this everyday; unappreciated, sad, helpless, and all the emotions related to those feelings. I felt the guilt, the pain, and to think, this is just one day. She went through it all for years. Then I learned that when they were about to go home to the hotel, that it was the only time she looked for me the whole night. I couldnít help it, I had to relieve myself of this pain and hurt inside. So I turned to the one thing that I thought would make me numb. Cocaine is poison. It drives people and the people around them to insanity. The choke-hold of the devil. When she got back, she saw me like she never saw me before; eyes shooting for the sky, my body numb, hyperventilating, shivering like hell to get a breath. She panicked. She had enough. It was a sad ending to a whirlwind romance. I was able to snap out and revive, but the damage has been done. And the pain hasnít gone away.

Its been months now, sheís continued to live her life, dating someone new, or shall I say old, and still I find myself hoping and waiting in vain. I loved her and still do like no one else, and as much as I try to move on, I canít. With her it just feels right. I have become a better person, to the point that we even saw each other recently and there was no feeling other than happiness. I missed her so much, and just to see her and be right in front of her was enough to make me forget the pain. But like she said, I have to give her what she deserves; time and space.

So I sit here and wait till the day comes that she decides that itís time to bury the hatchet and let me see her once again, talk to her once more, be a part of her life again, even if itís only as a friend. I told her nothing will ever make me leave her, no matter what. Iíve stuck to that promise. The only thing that would make me leave her is death. But I fear that Iíll be leaving her soon. And she doesnít have a clue. Maybe itís better that way. She doesnít deserve any more grief or heartache from me. Iíve given her enough.

I will always love you, and you know that. I will never leave you no matter what. If I do, I will still look out for you from time to time, even if you donít know it.


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