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      Fear of loving him


I was working in Tech Support when I met Chris; he took his smoke breaks the same time I did. He was absolutely the most handsome man I ever laid eyes on and was almost in shock when he started talking to me. I started to find my incentive to go to work everyday was meeting Chris , even is just for fifteen minutes a couple of times a day. After a few months, I was starting to feel an attraction to him; I was not really sure if he felt the same way for me though. I took a huge chance and invited to have a drink with me after work which he accepted; I was so excited.


I'm not much to look at, and I'm over weight and I also have a confidence issue due to my previous relationships; I'd been divorced  and had two sons with my ex husband who cheated on me most of our marriage. I haven't felt that way I did about anyone in a long time, but keep seeing red flags in what Chris told me. He was separated from his wife for a very long time; they hadn't lived together in years, had no kids and never got around to filing for divorce. My first instict told me to run from this, but he had such a way of making me feel comfortable and good about myself.


He met my my boys and they hit it off really well; Chris played baseball with them, and took them to games. I was starting to let down my guard and allow myself to feel loved again. On a weekend my boys were with their dad, Chris and I went back to his apartment and had sex, it was wonderful, all that was missing was a marriage proposal. Instead while we were sleeping, the phone rang and the voice that came across the message machine was a female with a lusty voice telling him to stop playing the girl and pick up the phone. He answered and just said "fine" and hung up. He went back to sleep like it was nothing, but all my fears started coming back. I asked hom who it was and he said his ex-wife; she was coming by in a few days to have him sign divorce papers. I didn't feel a confident as I should have and when I went home, I had a sick feeling in my stomach.


A few days went by before I spoke to Chris again; I deliberatly went on different smoke breaks. He told me his ex was due over that evening and to put my mind at ease I should come and meet her. She was a tall long legged super model type blonde and although she was pleasent to me when she met me, I could tell she was telling Chris how low he settled. Chris did put my mind at ease when he said their marriage was horrible and he had to constantly wonder who she was sleeping with. I decided to believe Chris and try and feel the way I did before which was starting up again. Chris told me he loved me and was only interested in me; I wanted to hear this for so long, I was finally feeling somebody actually loved me for me.


Things were really wonderful for a while and then then night of our Christmas party my heart sunk again. I wore a black teddy and nylons under my dress and drove to Chris's apartment to surprise him. He didn't answer the door but another tall, long legged girl wearing only one of Chris's tee shirts did. She said not to worry, she was his sister, but in over a year of being together Chris never once mentioned a sister. Her response was Chris probably never mentions a lot of things. I left his apartment and went home, completly missing the party. Chris called me and I just couldn't even talk to him, all I wanted to know was what else didn't I know? What other surprises were going to come up? He assurred me nothing, but I didn't ever want to feel that way again. I said I needed time to think. Time to sort things out.


I chose to go back to my ex-husband Kurt; he'd been bugging me for quite some time to come back. I told Chris what I was doing, I said it was for sake of the kids I was doing it. Chris only asked me if I loved Kurt, I knew I didn't but I also knew what to expect from Kurt so I lied and said yes. I cried for a week after I made that call; I quit my job so I didn't have to see Chris. Kurt and I remarried and six months later, I was pregnant again. After our third son was born, things between Kurt and I got bad again. A year after that I filed for divorce again and moved out. I thought of Chris almost everyday since I went back to Kurt and I had to call him and tell him what my true feelings were. He agreed to meet me and I went to apartment. He was still so handsome, and I just cried as soon as I saw him. I told him how sorry I was, sorry I was so scared to love him, and be loved back, I was so afraid he's hurt me and my trust level was so low. I begged him to give me another chance, I knew i could be better. Chris told me that it wasn't possible anymore; he recently took a transfer to an office in another state. My leaving broke him up but he moved on, met a girl named Holly who was expecting his child, they were getting married as soon as they settled into their new home. Chris kissed me on the cheek like we were old friends and walked away.


I think about him all the time and I can only hope he's happy. I hate myself for being so afraid. I have a hard time most days just functioning, but at least I have my kids to help pull me through. I you feel like me in your relationship, please go and get some help; this is the worst feeling you can have knowing the love of your life was pushed away because  you were afraid.


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