Losing ones you love
Everyone knows someone whom they care deeply for:parents, grandparents,brothers,sisters,boyfriends,girlfriends,etc. However you never can explain the feeling you have when you lose someone for the first time that's close to you. you feel helpless,short of breath like someone has punched you in the stomach, an unbelievable amount of sadness and rage because you want to be with them, but at the same time you feel happy since you know that they are in a better place not suffering anymore.I felt these feelings and more when my grandmother passed away almost two years ago.
I remember it like it was yesterday, my grandmother was getting to the point where she couldn't live on her own anymore, and we didn't want to put her into a nursing home because we knew she wouldn't be happy. ON a bright and sunny day in September, while the sun was glistening on the red and orange leaves and the crisp fall breeze blew through the dense trees,my family and I moved my grandmother into our home. A couple of months went by and her condition began to deteriorate like water gradually wearing away a rock, until one day she hit the bottom. Her heart had been enlarged for quite some time and there was nothing we could do. Then once the end was getting near she suffered a major stroke and fell into a coma. Once that happened, i felt as if i was losing everything, and i felt like a part of me was dieing with her. i wanted to help her, i felt like a little kid trying to reach for something on a shelf that was too high. Home healthcare arrived soon after she fell into a coma and waiting for an evaluation from them was like waiting to hear from an enemy; you just didn't want to hear anything they had to say.After waiting, what seemed like forever, they dropped the bomb on our family, "she has less than forty-eight hours to live." that saying hit me like a bullet to the heart that punctured every major organ in my body. I was speechless, and felt as if the walls were closing in around me with nothing to brace them with. As i looked around the room everything was a blur except for my grandmother lying in her bed like an angel frozen in time. i could hear whimpers in the background, but it sounded further away than in the same room with me. As the room cleared i sat beside my grandmother and held her hand that was warm but cool at the same time. The room seemed old and plain with a faint light in the corner almost like a candle. My heart pounded with each breath she took knowing it could be her last, and all i could hear was silence.Day after day my grandmother's breathing slowed down each day getting more and more lighter as the hours went by.
ON Thursday i finished with softball practice and called my mom to ask if anything had changed she said, "no she's about the same."i told her that i was going to run and pick up a binder and diner and then i'd come home. As i completed my errands, an unfamiliar feeling came over me almost like i had been stabbed and i knew i had to get home as soon as possible. As i came down the 1500 ft driveway, i could feel my heart pounding in my chest getting louder and louder as my home got closer.I ran through the house to the stairs and started to desend, i heard every wooden step as my foot hit it, and cleared the corner only to see what looked like an abandoned house.As i came around the corner, i walked down the short hall to her bedroom which seemed like an everlasting walkway, and i approached a silent room.All eyes hit me with uneasiness, and tears over whelmed their eyes as my mother told me "shes gone".My heart felt like it shattered into a thousand pieces that were unable to be put back together. A rushing river of tears ran down my face ;unable to be stopped;i had lost my friend, my role model, and most of all the angel who always watched over me.
Not a day goes by where i feel like i should have gone home instead of leaving to get diner and a binder because i could have been there for my grandmother. no feeling can describe the guilt and sadness i carry with me everyday like a wound that wont heal.