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      Love Hurts

     


I had finally decided that enough was enough in my 15 year marriage. I had started school as well as started an amazing job where I got to assist people to become successful in their everyday life. I was experiencing life for the first time the way I wanted to. I had finally realized that life was suppose to be enjoyable, pleasurable, and full of love. I had finally had enough emotional and physical abuse as well as allowing my children to see the dysfunctional behaviors of two very broken people that needed healing from their past. I had tried everything I knew to do. I tried couple counseling, unselfish actions, church, prayer, etc. Nothing was working!



I left my husband on May 15th 2006 and decided that I would live life for myself; and within this choice I decided I would venture out into the dating world, (a little to soon I might add)! I met a man that I worked with and became very good friends with. We had a great deal in common and got along like two peas in a pod. He made me feel like a woman is suppose to feel. I was experiencing life the way that it was suppose to be for the first time. My perspective changed not only about life in general but love as well. That it is not to be conditional as well as taken for granite. I felt like a princess!



The man that showed me love and how to live was taken from me on June 18, 2006. My soon to be ex-husband wanted nothing more than to make me understand that if he couldn't have me, no one would. After finding out I was emotionally and physically involved with another man he decided that he was going to take it all away.



He began plotting a murder that would shake mine and our children's life, for the rest of our life. On June 18, 2006 (fathers day) he dropped our children off to my parents house and proceeded to come to my apartment in broad day light where I lived across from a fire station and police department and brutally stab the man I loved to death in front of me.



He has since then been charged and prosecuted for murder 1 and burglary 1 and was sentenced to 40 years in the state penitentiary. How sad he threw his and his children's life away for obsession.



It has been almost a year now and I have struggled in my current relationship to trust and give my heart away again. I am attending regular counseling sessions as are my children so that we can go on living and loving without walls. I think the hardest thing I have had to face in my 31 years is losing a love that is like no other and feeling hopeless at times that I will never get another.



One thing I know for sure is I will continue his legacy of love to all that cross my path. There are so many lessons I learned in such a short time from him. One, never love with conditions, if you are going to love, give it your all. It is very rewarding. Two, use compassion, grace and mercy as well as understanding with every person you have contact with. This will change a life. Three, Love like it is your last day on this earth, because it might be. Four, Love unselfishly; don't create expectations and set the other person up for failure when they can't meet your expectations, and Five, Never hold grudges, always forgive, you never know when you may need forgiveness for your screw ups.



I will finish by saying just as this has been the hardest year of my life it has also been the most rewarding. I have went through so many emotions and fazes of healing that I sometimes can't keep up. But one thing I know for sure is that love is a great gift and that when we fear it we don't experience it fully. I recognize more than ever now that I have feared for so long to give my heart away in fear that I would get hurt. However, since I have gained the understanding and tools, I now know that with love sometimes comes HURT. We can either spread the gift of love or we can continue to spread anger, fear, and hate. I have a few sayings that I say not only to myself but also my children, they are: treat others the way you would want to be treated, aspire to inspire before you expire, love, live and enjoy life like it is your last day, and last but not least, what kind of legacy will you choose to leave?

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