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      How I knew I was worth nothing.

     


I would like to tell you alittle more about me first so you will understand my story better.

I was born in the US in 82 but moved to Bangkok, Thailand when I was 12 years old. When I was there my father sold my virginity a few moths after we got there. He then put me into porn. I went to high school like everyone else I just posed for porn. By the time I was 14 I had very little care for myself. I began using drugs heavily. At 16 i graduated from High School and my father aranged my marriage to a Taiwanese man. He took me back to the US. we lived in Boston for a few months together but he treated me like a dog that he hated. He would leave glass on the floor of our room for me to step on when i would walk in and laugh when I did.

One day I came home from work and he asked me to go eat with him. He had never taken me anywhere before and I thought he was going to finaly treat me good. I was stupid. The next thing i knew was that I was being draged from the taxi and into the basement of a building after he had taken money from someone. I had no Idea where I was. I was afraid and thought I might die.

After being in the basement and being raped and beaten for a long time. I don't know how many days or weeks because there weren't any windows. I was left to lay in my own blood and vomit. No one came for a long time to hose me off as ushaual. i thought I was going to die because I was so week and in pain and they knew it and were going to leave me there to die. When I woke up there was a lady there over me who picked me up and took me upstairs. For a minute i thought I was going to be safe untill I say other girls in the house walking around with very little on. I took a shower and ate a real meal. not just rice and tea like down in the basement. The lady who had picked me up told me that she would give me a couple days to heal but after that I must work or I would be sent back to the basement. I knew then where I was and I wanted to cry but I was to tired.

I stayed there for one year untill one day a Vietnamese man came in with some of his gang friends and bought me. He took me home and for the first year he treated me good. JUst like a good wife. he would tell me everyday that he loved me and i would tell him thank you for taking me in. That was all I could say because I was unable to love anyone at that point in my life.he soon started asking me if i loved him and I would tell him I was just very thankful but I am uncapable of felling love for anyone because I don't love myself because I am dirty and one must love them self before they can love anyone else.

He grew tired of this and began beating me when ever he was angery about anything. He started taking money from his friends to let them sleep with me and beat me when I would say no.

We had three children together and life whent on like this for a few years. Then when I was cooking for him a few of his drinking buddies he hit me in the face very hard breaking my noise, cheak and knocking lose a few of my teath. he said you are ugly now and worth nothing and put me and the three kids on the street and left with the doors looked and all his drinking buddies drove off too except one. He was his cousin and he had raped me once before after I was out of the brothel. Today though he found pity. He took me to the hospital and found where my mom was who I had not seen since I was 12 and bought me a ticet to go there.

I got to my moms and she had my face fixed and helped me be able to go out side once in a while. I still can not leave the hose by myself i am to afraid. she made sure the kids were doing well. After all that she decided it was time for me to find a husband, but this time on who would be good to me. i didn't't want to I wanted to be by myself. That is untill I met my husband

 

I met my husband in a chinese restaurant. he hit things off very quickly. I told him about my past and that I could not be woth a man who looks at porn or anything above because it is a cheating to me. It would end the relationship. he agreed and promised me and my mom that he would never do it. I fell in love with him and was very happy untill after our first son was born. After that i found out that he had been vewing porn and talking to girls on personals . it killed me i cried i attempted suicided many times and still to this day vey hurt I take it one day at a time i love him and i hate him at the same time I stay. with him beecauce my mother is old now and i would only be a burden to her.

After all there thingings in my life I know I am worth nothing to any man. i know this for a fact . i am only something to have and use. To be thrown away when I am used up. 

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