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      my religion will not accept him. I cant be with him!

     


April 28th



I guess there is an issue with myself, after we had a lovely dinner with louisa and her boyfriend we had to drive out to state street for a couple of blocks and all these racer people were there, his eyes were so big and excited, what can I say it bugged me so much because I wanted him to be happy with simple things like having a great chill dinner night with people that we felt comfortable around. it was great! david was really nice and louisa as well her food was really good too!



we were heading towards state street and I felt so sad, I felt left out dont ask me why. i kept on telling myself that thats what he does, not the best poeple to be around but thats what he does and thats ok. but it kept on bugging me, I dunno what it is, it makes me so happy when he is happy. I wish I knew just as much as him about cars so I can be the same as him.



the drive home I tried so hard to not seem grumpy or mad, I was trying so hard to not be mad when he was telling me all about his friends and his car things, why did it bug me ??? but I think i did really good in pretending to not be mad cuz he was pretty chill. I dont know what set him off when he got to his house, I asked him if i could stay over, I dont think he likes when I stay over, I dunno why, I enjoy my time with him all the time, except when i am mad at him.



the whole night he was just grumpy and I was trying so hard to not be grumpy myself, we were laying I was prettending to be mad at him, I dunno I guess thats my way to express myself to let him know hes doing something wrong, but it never works, I guess its good cuz it holds me up from yelling at him and making huge deals because I tend to be like that.



the moment i fell asleep I wanted to take my shirt off, it was amazing how fast he started kissing me and touching me, I felt used. a moment ago he was being mean to me and the moment I take my shirt off he is all over me, I cant deny I didnt like his attention, I like to know that he is attracted to me and I am very attracted to him. I couldfeel him so close to me, the best feeling in the world, every movement makes me tremble and want him so much more. his hands his smell. how can I describe! the feeling of used left my system when we got more into it hands are everywhere and we are almost there, we cant resist it happens. its so good, i cant explain that connection, why cant I be with him I ask myself? I mean I couldnt think muchbut I just wish I was able to do this and not feel so shitty after wards,



no protection whatsoever, we used to be better at this " I said, meaning protection, I got this rush of something how do I explain it, I got so scared for a min, I wanted him to hold me and tell me it was ok, he got so mad when I said that, I know he doesnt like to talk about things like that, none of us want to have kids right now, I said what happens if we had a kid? he got really mad, so i pushed his buttons a little more, I know I was doing that but I was still curious to know what happens... I asked and I wish I did ask this, I said are we gonna get married if I am pregnant, he said not, and that just killed me there, I want my child to have both parents together forever, while he was freaking out on me I wasthinking of the things he told me before on how he would nt only take responsability but he would try to make the relationship work, he kept on freaking out on me and my heart was so hurt, he said it would ruin his life and I agree with him, he said theres so many things he wants to do and it would ruin everything"""

what can I say? he is right! I think the same way he does, hteres so many things I wouldlike to do but if I have akid it would totally kill it!!! I dunno what I wanted from him last night, I guess I was so scared that I wanted the security to know that he will be there for me if that was gonna happen, that he would take full responsability! he also said that how are we gonna do that? we argue a lot when we spend more than two hours together! it cant happen"""" I was shocked!!! I felt over used! a couple of days ago he ws telling me he wanted me forever and he loved me so much and now ur pretty much saying that no matter what he are always gonna argue?? hold on! didnt u wanna work things out? thast when it hit me! he loves me but he know we wont be together forever, so he doesnt try to make this work , he enjoys his time with me as longs as it last but he know that we wont be together that we will never b married, that broke my heart, I was so mad at myself for unconsiously think that this might work??!!!!

I am so stupid, I felt so stupid, !!! I didnt say anything after that, how can I when I just realized he knows that we wont be together, he knows he wont, his probably making future plans without me already, its like im here for the moment but hes not counting me in within the future, that killed me. Im sorry , im so sorry formyself my poor self, that lives in tthis stupid dream of being the perfect wife. lover friend,

why do i still love him? hes obvioulsy put me out on everything! who would blame him, when I was the one who keeps making this decision of leaving him of finding something better of wanting to be happy. its me, its all on me! I kept silent he kept on talking, how can I stay the night with him? I felt so stu[id for making desiocionsand not keeping them, and now for going back to someone that I thought would be the same way like before. so so so stupid, I wanted to hit myself for being so stupid! I was gonna buy him something I invited him to my friends house, I was letting him into my life again when I was the one who pushed him out..... he has no fault is all on me, I put my clothes on while he followed after me, I couldnt think straight all I knew is that there I was once again thrown back to reality, my situation that I put myself in, I know im not a victim is all on me so I was crashed! I put mu shoes on and I proceeded to the stairs, I could hear him run towards me. I open the outside door, I didnt want him to follow me I felt so ashamed of myself<<<< I was thinking on going home and go back to what I know its mine to what I know will be there forever. he kept on asking me, whats wrong with u? do u not wanna get married? I got in my car but he had the door wide open I couldnt escape, I couldnt even look at him in the eye. he asked me dont u wanna get married isnt that what u want? I dunno what he was thiking , I do not even wanna assume , I dont wanna ask him, I just wanted to leave. I answered him while i looked at him in the eye, his eyes were so big, I know what he was thinking the moment I looked at him," there she goes again, I dunno what I said to piss her off so much, oh well shell get over it tomorrow" once I knew that was it, I was crying on the inside. how can he take me seriously when I dont take him seriously, when he offered me his life and I pushed him away?! when he never talks to any girls and I have over 10 guys in my phone, forget it I thought, please god just take me home.

I answered him, NO WE ARE NEVER GETTING MARRIED BECAUSE WE CANT! he said ok he said I love u and he wanted to kiss me I pushed him away. I closed my door, I drove home,



I dunno if that will be the end, how can I take this feeling from him? I need to know how? I need to stop acting so silly and want him so much. we are not meant to be, how sad is that? how sad is to want somebody who wants u back but know u wont be wit hhim, he is like a shadow, he is there for the moment to take advantage of the moment. of me giving in to him, when I give in he enjoys and when I push him away he tries so hard for me to give in again. its like a game because he doesnt necesarily play with me he loves me I know he does, he wishes we were together forever but he has set his mind up that we wont so he just takes advantage of the moment. I cried on my way home, I cried because I cant make up my mind! I cant come up with an answer to my prayers and I cant make him go away! solutions? solutions? went home alone. I live alone, maybe thats why maybe I am so needy.



this morning he text me this

I HOPE SO , BABY IM SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT, I DO WANT TO BE WITH U SO LETS SLOW THE SEXUAL THINGS DOWN AND DO THINGS RIGHT, I LOVE YOU.

I wish I knew what he means, I wish I did. I wish I knew what I wanted. I guess this is the end of the story for today, feel used , feel scared and alone. the person who I thught would always be there for me its not anymore, theres really no one ther. I have never felt so alone in my life till now. when I realized i spent three years of my life with a person I knew we both knew there will not be future with, and even tho I knew this I keep on doing it! keep doing things for this person like he is the most special person in my world. i wish I didnt have to tell myslef this but he is not hte one and I shouldnt love him.

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