Stupid decisions, or are they? (2)
After I met Mary, I just had this urge to be with her. Not urge almost a need. I tried to spend every minute with her I could. She would drive up and spend the weekend and I was in heaven. I started to look at myself and think how come I have never found a person who devotes so much time into just ... ME?? I started to feel selfish in a way because whenever we were together she made a point to make everything about ME. My house is my castle, You are the king. and after I got to know her more, I realized this is her way of showing her love. By focusing on my every need. Which was fitting because I was concerned about what she liked what she wanted. It was almost like a reversal selfish thing. If that makes sense. But it worked for us and we knew the boundaries and I have never met a Woman that was so unselfish. Never. I learned alot about Mary and myself because of her and her outgoing ways. Life was so euphoric. The little things were just spellbinding. I remember we would sit in the porch swing and I would bring out the guitar (we made music together <no pun intended>) Mary would have an idea and write the lyrics and I would attempt to put to music. We would work on style, intonation, she is the best. The more time we spent together the more it seemed so natural and right.
But like I said in the first part my children are manipulative. I knew they needed their dad and I was there for them as I most as I possibly could be. I would call, write, email, and my oldest daughter and my son came to visit one summer. My daughters told me that they wanted me to be closer because they wanted to spend more time with me and that their stepdad was ill and was not doing well (diabetes) I love my kids I started to make arrangements to move back to the other corner of the U.S. Wash state.
I talked to Mary about this I even wanted her to come with me. OHH I wanted her to come sooo bad, but she said her daughter needs her and she is doing well in school finally and she wanted to be consistent with her. Maybe I didn’t ask, or I didn’t express it very well but it was a while ago and I don’t remember all the specifics but I wish now that I would have pressed the issue more firmly. I believe we would be together today.
We said goodbye
I went "home"
I settled in the same town as my parents lived in and met a woman and we dated a few times. I was 'home' and I was making more of a bond with my son and my daughters I thought. Until my oldest daughter told me I wasn't her father anymore because I went to Florida. She was bound and determined to severe all binds. Then their stepdad passed away due to diabetes complications. I some how became the fault of this. I am still trying to figure this out. My oldest daughter decided that I was no good and was not going to have anything else do to do with me. Part of that reason was because when I came back she had missed 47 days of school and I went to the school to find out what in the world was going on. The vice-principal who was also the person in charge of delinquent children assured me that this would not happen again, blah de blah de blah. She missed 11 days the first month of her senior year. I could go on about this situation, but the bottom line was, my oldest daughter was causing more grief and her mother was enabling her by writing the excuse notes…. Of course this was my fault again somehow. Long and short of it we ended up in court over her "illness" because I wanted to talk to her doctor so I called my ex. She hung up on me telling that wasn’t any of my business. I made the stupid mistake of calling her two more times. She got a no contact order. (I could care less about her I just wanted to get to the bottom of this whole drama) at any rate to make a long story longer. … Ended up in court with the Judge chewing out my ex, for impeding my rights as the divorce papers said that I had to the medical information… all drawn out.. Stressful… is what I was getting to
My daughter succeeded in becoming her mother and learning how to stress out everyone around her… the few hairs I have left are, still, oddly, not grayed… but back to my point.
Was the decision to go to Florida good?
I learned, and learned, and learned. LIFE IS LEARNING… I learned a lot about people. I learned that there are GOOD people in this world unlike my ex who thinks the world owes them everything. There are loving, caring, compassionate people that give 110 percent of their attention, devotion, and time to other people. NOT because they have to, because they decide to. I miss Mary every day of my life.
I have been with Susan for over 4 years now. I would be not telling the truth if I said I didn’t love her, I do love her. I am not, by any means diminishing my relationship with either Mary or Susan; however, the short period of time that Mary and I were together is so indescribable. The closest I can think of it in terms of words is euphoric. This woman .. I am trying to think of an analogy … do you remember your first kiss?.. or.. being stung by a bee?.. It’s one of those things that you can’t forget. You have been inflicted with something that you remember always, and like I said there isn’t a day that goes by that I am reminded of something, a song, a color, a smell, a cloud, that little nuance that is Mary. I really listened to that song "not a day goes by" it’s her.
Now here is the reality of the situation. Mary is with a man, Ken. And I know Mary, she puts 110 percent into what ever she does. And I know she and Ken have something, otherwise she wouldn’t be there. I know in her heart she wont forget me as she tells me every time we are able to chat, send an IM/PM, I will never forget her as I do think of her often and how she is. I have memories in my heart and pictures in my mind that I reflect on. I am not a stalker nor am I fixated, it’s a mixed feeling of sadness that we aren’t together, but contentment that I have had the opportunity to KNOW this person who has affected my life and taught me so much about people.
Back to the title of this post.
I do not regret any decision I have made. Regret, to me sounds like a negative connotation. I am sad that I wasn’t stronger in my wish for her to come with me.
Things happen for a reason, I firmly believe this.
Maybe one day we will have another opportunity to get to know each other again?
One can only hope! (Or two)
I love you Mary.
You ARE my best friend
Always And Forever.