Cry for help
I am asking for your opinion. There is no one I can talk to and I am in a desperate need of advice.
I'm in my mid twenties, no kids. I've been in love. The kind that blinds you to the entire world, but one person.
Overwhelming, consuming, “I will do anything for you” kind of love. It didn’t work out. The person I was so crazy about turned out to be a liar and a cheat. He cheated on me through out the relationship, which I kind of new about, but chose to believe his pathetic explanations. He mentally and verbally abused me and made me feel like a worthless, stupid, no good little girl (he was 7 years older than me), who should just keep her mouth shut and do whatever he told me. I finally opened my eyes when I found naked pictures of all the girls he slept with during our 3 year relationship, lying on the bed covered with bed shits I picked out for us. Needless to say the relationship ended there and than, but not the hurt or the pain of betrayal. It took me a couple of years to overcome the pain and get my head together.
I met another guy (X), most descent and kind, who fell in love with me. He treated me like a queen and made me feel special. Still I didn’t jump at the opportunity, as I didn’t share his affection and didn’t want to hurt him, so we stayed friends for years. At some point I started looking differently at him. I would get butterflies when he touched me and started getting jealous when he was on a date.
During one of my trips overseas, I met a third guy (Z). The instant attraction was obvious from the first day. We spent four month together, during which I’ve gone from being absolute drunk with happiness to a total emotional wreck. I do know that I’m a very emotional person, however, before you condemn me as a manic depressive, I should say that I don’t experience these kind of emotions on everyday basis. My feelings for this person were turning into a very unhealthy obsessive emotional dependence. He seemed to share my state and we would make each other’s blood boil. However time came for me to leave. As hard as it was I came back and was welcomed by X. Steady, gallant and good looking man with everything in the world going for him. I kept in touch with Z and told him about X, still we met over the years for short periods of time. He’s had other women and now has a steady girlfriend, who knew about me from the very start, but still decided to take her chances. Years have passed now and I find myself in a position where I had a proposition of marriage from both men, which I declined.
From one side I have this intense emotional connection, which drives me insane, from another a steady, reliable, gentle relationship. Both men love me, but who do I love? “No one knows, but you” – you say, but if I knew I would not be writing this “cry for help”. I thought that maybe I was just being selfish, but the truth is I can’t imagine my life without either of them. “Greedy”, you say, well that may be, but aren’t we all when it comes to our most intimate needs. Z gives me emotional satisfaction, he is my soul mate, when X gives me stability and reassurance of being well looked after and never getting hurt. I am afraid that the fire burning with Z will burn me out, just like before. I’m afraid to have my heart broken yet again. On the other hand I don’t want to live my life wondering – what if… I’m crazy with one and calm with the other. One can burn out in a year or five; the other will go on for life. I’m afraid to get burned and be left alone; and I’m afraid to let go of the emotional high. I realise it sounds like a junkie, but that’s what I see Z as, a drug that I don’t want to live without, but afraid to sacrifice my comfortable life for.
All my friends and relatives adore X and wish I would just get on with it. People, who know Z, say that he is not for me and that I am not myself when I’m with him. I thought of cutting off both of them and start my life over. Only I know that love is not easy to come by and so are good people. I want to make a choice…
Z gets very possessive and upset about X. He says that I have sold him out, betrayed him. I’ve tried to end this relationship a number of times, but every time I found myself drawn back, like a moth to a flame. I think about him all the time, dream about him and long to talk to him. At the same time in my head I know he is not good for me. I keep thinking that it’s a male ego thing for him – “how could she pick someone else over me”. He told me that, after perusing another girl for 3 years, he dumped her as soon as she agreed to marry him. How can I be sure that I’m not another victory for him? He did tell me – “you are my biggest loss. I will never forgive myself.” He keeps saying that, I should not think myself as very smart, that he is way smarter than I am which makes me wonder, what’s on his mind. I’ve already thought about a possibility that, Z has no actual girlfriend ( I never saw her, all the contact is through internet), that it is really him trying to make me jealous and choose him, and that as soon as he gets what he wants he will just disregard me, as he did with the other girl. I’m going nuts…
There are four people to consider in this situation. Z’s girlfriend got in touch with me and frantically tries to make me break the contact with him. At the same time I know if X found out about Z, his heart would be broken and he would never recover. If I broke it off with Z, he and I would always wonder about each other, but that would protect two innocent people from suffering. From my point of view the situation is very complicated and I do not know what to do.
Please let me know what you think.