When your thoughts are spinning around in your head and they seem to much for you to bear, they always seem a lot clearer once you have written them down and can read them over and over.
I was in love with a man who made me cry, which made me think that I loved him, but now I realise he never loved me or himself, just a lost, tormented soul.
We would go out at the weekend and he would get so jealous of friends that I had made before I met him because he didn't know who they were or if they were a threat to him. If another male even smiled at me it was my fault. When I met his friends and said "they seem nice" I would get "Oh Nice, so you want to sleep with them do you?"
He said I was the most beautiful person in the club, and he thought everyone thought like that (which they never!!!) so he would shout at me in public for talking to my friends, even dancing with female friends was out of the question as it wasn't with him.
I took him to my best friend Paula and her fiancÚ Dan's housewarming party. My other friends were there Laura and Nick, the place was jumping and I had gone upstairs to the bathroom, my man followed me, when I came out he went in, at that point I heard Dan asking Nick if he was okay, Nick had a little too much to drink and I went into the room to see if he was okay, I regard Nick and Dan as my friends I have known them for years, Nick was okay and Dan said he would take care of him, when I came downstairs Laura and Paula were dancing away, and my man got up and started screaming at me for being in a room with two men and not waiting outside the bathroom door for him when he came out!! It sounded so seedy, I was in that room for no longer than 2 minutes to check if my pal was okay. Once Laura and Paula tried to calm him down and say who these TWO MEN were and that I loved him dearly and he was being ridiculous, he said that we were all ganging up on him, and it wasn't the fact I was in the room, it was the fact that I had left him on his own, it wasn't for long though and it was a party after all. He grabbed his beer and left. We are all 21 so its not like his age can be blamed. My father died of cancer this year and my man was my rock, but after a couple of weeks he would throw the fact he was my rock in my face, and said " I know your fathers dead, just get over it!" and talking like I should be grateful that he was at the funeral, and brought up the fact that I hardly spoke to him during it.
I was feeling low, and he was so wrapped up in himself that he couldn't understand me. I ended it with him and he swore he would commit suicide..
He was so charming when I met him, every time I see him now he is drunk, he calls Laura and Paula and all my friends names and phones me in the middle of the night to say he can't live without me or he hates me whatever type of alcohol he drinks determines what he says.
Laura and Paula and I go out at the weekend and celebrate the fact that I don't have a man! But I live in hope that Mr right is on the way and he will understand me and let me be who I am and let me shine like I used to and be proud that I am his and not be threatened by it.