Just another 14 yr old girl...
What can I say? My name is not important and I'd like to go unnoticed by all - too much in the limelight. Why am I telling all this to you? Who am I telling all this to? I don't know but I know that it's time to come out and speak. I have no one else that I can trust so I talk to you. Now it all begins with this guy. I really like this guy in my school and I have liked him for 3 and a half years. But has he noticed me? Not entirely. Am I stupid, maybe? Being forced into a life that I don't want to fall in would probably come under that. I canít eat or sleep and I haven't been doing so for three and a half years. So much that I have lost pounds and developed bags under my eyes.
Am I in love? I strongly suspect so. When he's not around me I can't breathe. The only thing that allows me to breath is the sweet thoughts that I have of him. He's had a few girlfriends in the past; in fact
Ie has one right now. He is a pretty bad boy but I can't help myself. Every night I say to myself that I am over him but the next day when I look into his eyes I melt all the way down to my soul. I always cry at night when I see that I only have one and a half years with him left. He always stuck up for me. He has always had my back but I need to carry his back.
I have lied down in front of him and let him walk all over me but he never turned to see what he had steppes on. I have never gone out with him. Whenever I see him flirting with someone else I just die on the spot but I have only cried in front of people at least 3 times. I cry each and every night about this one guy. And yes I know that he is not worth my tears but he is the only thing in the world that I need and have ever asked for. If I was poor and dying on the street but he was with me then I would be the happiest person in the world.
Whenever I feel that I am over him and don't even pass a glance in his direction I also feel great. I usually find someone else to take my mind off him. But then he runs back to me, flirting and so lovingly like he's going to ask me out. But does the question come? No and the new guy ends up calling me a whore. I want to hold him and love him, marry him and bare his child.
That would be the best thing in the world for me but it can't happen and it never will. He will go his way and I will go mine, but I shall never forget him and the way he has made me feel. And if he comes back ten years and I am married to a man that I don't love (as God has destined for me-trust me I know) then it is absolutely definite that I will go running back to him because it is true that I am hopelessly devoted to him. And if that is wrong then so be it. But why can't everyone see that Iím like everyone else but just more excited.
Everyone says I run after guys and maybe I do. But they don't know the full story so what gives them the right to speak on my behalf? All I want is this one guy and I can't have him or his attention so I try and get the attention from all other guys but I don't feel any better. When people are sad they say that no one understands them. I've been saying it for three years and I have been telling the truth.
I have no relationship with my family. When he is online he hardly ever talks to me. Damn his girlfriend. I hate her. I want to be the little midget twat. That is the worst thing. He only goes for short dark skinned slags Ė Iím tall and light skinned. We are both tall and that is not what he wants so I guess that we don't go together because I'm not his type.
People say that they don't want the guy who they love more than life itself, that they want to be over him but they can't. I'm not in the same boat. I need him as he like a drug but I also want him and I know that I can't live without him. I havenít got a lot of good childhood memories.
I had no friends in both of my primary schools and have a handful of friends at the moment, who I'm going to lose soon - I can tell that from afar. They think that I'm SO predictable. 'Look at her our slag mate who just wants to get her leg over'. I have lost two of my best friends in the past year and I'm going to lose more just because I'm head over heels for this guy. So why do I still like him? I don't know and I probably never will.
And now I have officially fucked up. The other night (12/12/06) I realised that I was over him and that he was not the only guy in the world. But then as soon as I walk into school the next day who is the first person I see? And he flirts and it kills me because I know that I was not really over him, that I was just lying to myself.
So I'm happy all day and then I find out that there are rumours going around that he fucked his girlfriend. How dare he? If he has had sex then I will kill him. I don't really believe the rumour but I also know him so I'm not sure. I'm pretty scared, as I have not cried yet, but I will, I always do. I just cannot believe that after he has hurt me so much I still want him as much as I did before. And I will love him more and more everyday. Heís out fucking his girlfriend and Iím out fucking my boyfriend who I donít love.†
Even today!!! (27/02/07) he was flirting with me SO much!! He even play-fighted with me, he softly slapped my cheekÖI tried so hard to deny it but even my friends now know how in love I am with him.