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      Instinct

     


Alright, ive been in and out of a few relationships over the years, and something recently dawned on me. ive been an asshole. well that might be a bit harsh.



Right at the point that i thought i was on the top of things, i head down the same emotional spiral... when an ex of mine and i broke up we both were quite hurt (understandably) and we went our separate ways. this happened about 9 months ago, and since then, however regrettably i have kept my distance to allow each of us to move on. my feelings for her have always remained the same, but i tried to move on and get on with life. i have not discussed this with anyone for a few reasons, one being that i hate the feeling that other people might think that im week, immature, or stupid. i know im not these things and its something i have to overcome myself, but im getting there. the other reason that ive kept quiet about it is the fact that (this may sound a little righteous) i feel as if im wiser than the majority of the people i know, and when i talk about stuff that is anything more than the day to day, i get blank looks. i help people get through things just by being there for them and talking, they feel comfortable with me and ask advice which im happy to do as i enjoy being needed and helping people.



During the months after us breaking up we engaged in a silly game of trying to hurt one another and a lot of nasty things were said. i acted out of character.



now here is my problem, it had been 4 months since we had seen each other, and both of us had other relationships during this time, so i thought i was over it. i had got on with life. two weeks ago i bumped into her and we caught up. something happened to me that has messed with my head... it sounds silly but my heart started racing at a mile a minute i got a hot flush and was shaking even after we parted. ive never had anyone have that affect on me, it was quite surreal.



over the years, i have been on a soul searching quest of sorts, trying to find out what i believe in, how the world works, how people and the mind works. i dived into books, internet, documentaries, tv shows, talked to people and had some quite intelligent conversations with them about psychology, philosophy, biology, human behavior and body language. i study NLP and communication techniques to better deal with people. all for personal interest. i am now no closer to the answers than i was at the start.



some of the things that i thought i had answers to are coming unstuck, i took on the belief that love was natures way of pair bonding. chemical, physical and emotional reactions to create the environment for the survival of the species. somewhere beneath all the logical explanations ive created for myself, im getting a strong feeling that its not as simple as evolution. see pair bonding is great to a point, it explains the feeling i got, but not why it has only ever been her to make me feel that way. why not other women ive had relationships with, or even ones i haven't. its not making me depressed though, i dont feel lonely or lost. i dont know what im feeling... more empty than anything else, none of my friends would even come close to understanding the things i know about the world so trying to gain insight from people close to me is a lost cause.



i dont know even what i want, i dont know if i want to get back with her, or be friends, or to stay away. i dont know if she hates me, still has feelings for me, or doesnt care at all. does she get that feeling when she sees me or does she see me the same as i did with all the girls ive been with and not cared about.



i understand that attraction is not a choice, neither party can consciously control the feelings they have with logic, so trying to convince her to forget everything that had happened and start again would feel useless. the 'social friendship' level is awkward because we knew so much about each other. i saw her again on friday night and it was like we had so much to say to each other but couldn't because we were not alone.



i dont know what to do, i want to see her but i dont want her to think im trying to get back with her, i want to talk but dont know what about, i want to meet her but dont know what for, i want to tell her how i feel but dont know how to word it. im too nervous to call and find it lame to sms, im more of a face to face communicator because i like to intuitively read body language and make people smile.



this is whats in my head, i dont know if you can help but if there was anyone who can it would be you guys. most of the time i try to talk to my female friends about this kind of stuff, they come up with the generic response "if you love her, you should go for it... blah, blah, blah."



the problem is not this chick, or women in general. growing up with two sisters, and having alot of close female friends, i get along with women better than most people i know, but there are a few things, actually alot of things i cant relate too.



when you split up with someone, what are the major thought processes that go through your mind. what motivates your actions. does that feeling of attraction suddenly stop, or is does always stay but get suppressed so to not get hurt again. i understand that it depends on the situation for all the superficial stuff, but to all actions i believe there is an underlining motivation. i get men, men are simple, if you ever dont get why a man is doing something crazy, stupid, or out of character just ask.



well, i didnt want to make this too long, if you have any theories philosophies or whatever send us a message.





instinct

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