Missing the other side of me
He was the only man that I had met that encouraged me to feel comfortable with myself as an intelligent & attractive woman. In my younger days these were not combinations that men were attracted to but feared. I glow in the memory of the emotions stirred from the love & lust awakened in me. As a single mother of four energetic youths these opportunities of the heart are not so clearly seen through the eyes & heart of a woman that has been hurt & lacked the confidence to believe in love. Yet, he stopped me still on our first meetings during work. He was very confident but in a quiet way & was eager himself to enjoy & share, the me he saw in me. We use to joke that he had to throw a brick at me before I could really see that he was interested in me. Yep the good old brick days. I admired his approach and persistance & gradually grew to enjoy our conversations in so many different ways that I was drawn to him with wonderful emotions.
We enjoyed and explored many endless hours of expressing our emotions in all ways but we enjoyed baring our hearts within our poems to each other & took great care to caress our hearts with the tender hands that we held when together. This connection enabled us to survive the distance of living 4 hours apart from each other & manage our responsibilities where we lived as needed. Yet in the midst of all the dreary matters of life, gave birth to us the creativity of blended knowledge, wisdom, heartache, love, lust and youth. Enjoyable, exciting and exhilirating a barrage of wonderful emotions transpiring from our union.
But self doubt is the devil in the affairs of the heart as well as past hurts that have not yet formed into learned wisdom. The poems being formed expressing heartache and the world seeming much bigger when you are alone again.
He was my friend, my companion when the relationship was in its final throws of passion I never admitted to him that I was wrong, that I should have taken a chance on us like he did. I have not risked anything because I did not move and my life and family are still here so there was no risk for me but losing 3 years.
We each have our different mannerism but nothing so big that the world would end but enough to send ripples to the change the flow of our union.
I am alone now and I miss my other half, my own self image of myself and worth was the most distructive of us. As I sit here, close my eyes I reach for him and for a split second he is there. I can not wish him luck for I have not yet mended my heart & I know that I am selfish. I have many years left on this earth & realise that it was my own fear of not trusting of myself & others that I have lost that opportunity to not be alone and be with my other half.
Sit with me my darling and hold my heart once more as I share with you that I am sorry for not believing you when you said that you loved me and that I was worthy of being loved but know this I am still learning and am still in love with you. I have learnt to listen to my heart & it keeps telling me that I still love you and am worthy of love. But I am alone still and this was the hardest lesson to learn but learnt too late.