Love: Why is he playing with my heart??
I'll start out saying that I have never been in a relationship before. I believe in deep, meaningful relationships and could never imagine myself in a relationship that isn't such. I am a freshman in college.
I have never had the love at first sight thing happen to me. For as long as I can remember, I feel like I have been using my brain to fall in love - I only start feeling attracted to certain people if I think that they seem to be attracted to me. However once I fall for someone, even if I discover later that their attraction to me has waned or never existed to start out with, it takes me a very long time to get over them.
In my freshman year of high school I met a guy who was a year older than me. At first I didn't think anything of him, until the next year when I had chemistry class with him, found that he lived near me, and that we had similar interests. He had family problems and had been heartbroken before, and I thought I could help him. I still remember the days when we would stand under the rain together or when he would put his hands against my face to show me how cold they were. After that year I didn't have any classes with him, and since he graduated I never saw him again. I still talk to him sometimes online, but our conversation is never anything meaningful or serious. It took half of my senior year of high school to get over him. In total, I never looked at any other guy for 2 and a half years. Now that my eyes are unclouded I see that we would never really have gotten along, and I resign myself to the fact that we never had a relationship.
After I got over him, I didn't think I would meet anyone for a while that I could feel as strongly for as I did him. In my senior year two different guys that I had only thought of as friends confessed that they were in love with me, but in my mind I knew clearly that I wanted a relationship with someone that I felt deeply and passionately about - not someone who I felt to be a friend and that I wasn't interested in at all physically. I was moving away from everything that I had known in high school for college, but I was still doubtful of my chances of meeting someone who would make me feel the way I did about that one guy I had loved in high school.
2 days after move-in day at my college, I was at a seminar showcasing some language classes. I met some people there, and found that we had a good conversation because of similar interests. I remembered that I had met a very skinny guy as well as 2 other guys, but I didn't take any of their names down and didn't expect to see them again.
That night I found a friend request on a social site from the "very skinny guy." From looking at his profile I found that he was a major in a subject I was very interested in, he played the same musical instrument as me, and that we were both interested in the same language and culture. I left a comment thinking we were just acquaintances, and friends at most.
I was really surprised at the uncanny overlap of our interests, but I didn°«t think too much of it. The next day we were online on the site at the same times, and we exchanged a few comments about our interests. Later that night, he immed me. I was surprised, but we talked. That night was an outdoor showing of a movie on a huge field. He asked me to go with him as well as asking for my number, and I agreed. The next day he called me asking me to eat with him, and I did. At this point I was feeling like that feeling I had in high school was coming back. For the first weeks of college, I can say that I owe all the friends I have now and the people I know to him. He was the one always calling me, inviting me to eat with him, do things with him, and to meet people he had met. Even though he had told me he was rather anti-social, he knew so many people and was very outgoing. I didn°«t understand why he had gone to so great lengths to draw me out from day one, but all I could think about at the time was how I seemed to be slowly but surely falling for this guy. Since that first day we went to see that movie together we have seen each other or called each other everyday. But our relationship has oscillated. We seemed to be growing closer, but due to something, work or lack of interest or otherwise, we grew distant. He had visited my room a lot without notice before, but those grew less and less. I was depressed, and I talked to him about my disappointment in the distance between us. For a few weeks after that talk I was very happy. The distance between us became very close during that time. Even though he seemed uncomfortable of letting other people see us holding hands or showing PDA, I didn°«t mind. After that things started to go downhill again. Even though we still saw each other or called we seemed distant. He visited me less and less until he finally stopped altogether. Thinking I had been too unresponsive I tried being more outgoing, but nothing happened. Even though every now and then we do things like holding hands that can°«t be taken as being °»just friends,°… nothing has happened to lead to a relationship. As the first semester of college comes to a close I don°«t know what went wrong, what we had, what we have, what we°«re going to have between us. I no longer know what he feels toward me and what his actions show about it. I do know that I won°«t be seeing him until next semester; we live at opposite ends of the country. I°«m afraid that at some point we are going to grow distant to the point that things will end up with him as they did with that guy in high school, but at the same time I can°«t bring myself to talk to him about it. We have many mutual friends, so if anything awkward were to happen between us it would make things uncomfortable for everyone. As one reassurance at this point I do feel like he is a very stable presence in my life – I see him always and feel like we have shared so many experiences since we met during the summer – but I don°«t know whether to let my heart keep loving him or to give it up as gone and resign myself to just being friends. Does it ever happen that people who have known each other for a long time fall in love? Or is that only in movies, where people marry the people they met in high school or in college? Why was I the one he approached most those first days? What does he mean when he holds my hand or leans his head against me? What does he want from me? What do I want from him? What is going to happen between us in the future, after Winter Session, after another semester, after another year? Love for me right now is only intense confusion, but I do know he is a very special presence.