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      Closure

     


21 years ago, i was 14 and a new student from out of state. I had never had a boyfriend and did not know what to do with one.  It was the first day of school and my first day in high school, a girl came to me and said that her cousin wanted to talk to me.  Me thinking conversation wise agreed to him talking to me and the next thing I know, I have a boyfriend.  i was afraid of the new feelings as he took my hand in his.  from that day on we were together.  he seemed to be sincere and nice but i was skeptical because i thought all boys wanted one thing.  he played football and looked for me at his games but i was not allowed to go.  i was not allowed to have a boyfriend either.  then he began pressuring me for sex and saying that his cousin told him that the reason i was not at his games was because i was with some other guy.  he became upset with me because i told him i wanted to wait until i was married.  i then told him that i did not want a relationship with him and did not talk to him for a day and he came to me the next day and apologized and said he would not do it again.  well he did, so i called his bluff and asked, how?  we don't have our own place? later i figured out he was only testing me.  he met me at the bus in the morning and carried my books to class and came for me at all of  my classes and he was such a gentle giant. he would pick me up and swing me around, hold me in his arms, hold my hand, and he was such a wonderful kisser.  turns out, that the cousin was telling him that i thought i was too good for him and that i felt that way because he was less fortunate, NOT.  she began to conspire against me. usually he sent his jersey to me by her(his cousin) on Fridays but when i heard her telling her friends she was going to split us up i had no clue for survival in a situation such as this.  she gave the jersey to someone other girl and i went crazy because i thought  all the wrong things.  our relationship was never the same.  then he did not come to my classes one day and that made it worse.  more things happened but they were not what they seemed. my parent informed me of the move and then i told him and he tried to marry me but i disagreed and he told me he was going to find someone else and all i could think of was that girl with his jersey on that morning. so i broke up with him.  i can still hear him pleading not to break up with him. i was so hurt but i felt he was wrong. the next day i searched for him and could not find him. i sent messages and received no replies. i even left forwarding information behind but no answer.  later, after moving back to Florida my mother told me that she knew of him all the time, i felt betrayed because he wanted to meet my parents.  i have searched for him 21 years because though i know it is to late i still need closure. i need to tell him how much i loved him then and how much i love him now.  i eat, sleep, and drink  him.  I love him so much.

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