You loved me then, I loved you not. I love you now, you love her now!
I was 16 when I met my best mate. We worked in the same place and bonded quite fast because everybody else spoke another language. It really was a multicultiral working space.
Anywayzzz we did some crazy stuff and I really felt at ease with him. We were really so much alike, both lazy and strange. A mixture between a human Garfield and Johnny Depp! At the end of our working month we were like best mates.
This was surprising to me as I really didn't like guys much back then....I had a very bad childhood experience with my stepdad. Everything was fine till I felt that he wanted more out of our relationship. This totally creeped the hell out of me! Every time he wanted to hook up, I always came up with an excuse. I got tired of this situation so one day I decided to never, ever see him again. I just forgot all about him. Didn't return his calls, sms or emails. Just dumped him totally! I know it's so mean but believe me I had my issues. So time passed by and I went to university. Funny thing happenend soon afterwards. A friend of mine became friends with him and she gave my new number to him not knowing our history together. Out of the blue I got a call from him and just because he caught me totally out of guard, I told him it was okay for us to meet. We became closer and closer afterwards....soon we were best mates again. One day he gave a party and to make a long story short I kissed him in a drunken state just seconds before I puked all over his bathroom. That night we slept together, just next to each other. In the morning I hastily went home and once again I felt like I was losing it. Fortunately I was more mature about the situation this time and instead of ignoring him once more, I just decided to ignore what had happenend. He went along with it as he had no choice.
Maybe some of you are asking why the hell I did what I did... I've got no excuse except that I saved him from a lot of troubles (I know it! I just know!)....and myself. I wasn't ready! Our relationship afterwards was a bit chilly but we manage to still be friends. I hoped I took the right decision but as time passed by I knew in my heart I like him more than I wanted to admit. This became sooo obvious to me the day he told me had a girlfriend. Regret overpowered me but as I have always been quite strong I got over it. I had to! I had to accept being on the second place, there is one thing that I find more important than love and that is friendship. He was happy and I wasn't going to mess anything up because I was so stupid to let him go when I could have been with him. It was painful but it's what a true friend would do.
They're broken up now and sometimes I have this urge to tell him about my feelings... there are this moments that we look each other in the eye...in those moments nothing else matters than him and me...the words are on my lips...my lips almost on his and then I see a glimpse of our sweet painful past in his eyes..I look away, bite my lips and let the moment pass. I know he loves me but I also know he still loves her. She's best friend number one, ex-grilfriend number one. I'm ex best friend number one, and somehow the wanted rebound girl number one. And that just won't do for me. It could have been another story, that's just what hurts most!