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      A Decade Too Long


After the first three years, I should have given up on Kevin. Something about him just kept pulling me back to him. It did not matter what he did, or how he showed me numerous times that he was not the one for me, I never gave up. I met this man when I was nineteen and here I am now thirty, still alone and no Kevin. Sad life, I lived ,making a man, an ultimate goal in life, without exploring other goals and other opportunities.

Realizing after all this time, I didn't like myself very much. He was a test from every angle. A test against my judgment, my morals, my intellect, my pride, my womanhood....The absolute worst a woman can have. And what was worse, I think I was more in "love" with the fact of breaking him down. It never happened. 

Now, I cannot watch love stories, listen to overly romantic love songs, no jazz, nothing that could resurrect any memories of him. Being in a one-sided relationship is like inviting the devil into your heart to dance with you, seduce you with his good looks, make you laugh, make you cry, make you weep with ecstasy from the lovemaking. Only to wake up the next morning lying next to a fallacy. An demented illusion you do not recognized. Everything that he smiled at about you, turns to disdain, judgment and disgust. This how I felt when I was with Kevin. Nothing I ever did or said was right, and friends wonder what I saw in him, what made me stay as long as I did. How did I keep forgiving him after every infraction , with the degree of those infractions growing in intensity each and every time. I made myself a promise that I had to let him go, no matter how much I loved him or could not function without him, I had to. But , it had to take something drastic like sleeping with a coworker for me to leave him alone. 

I was betrayed on both ends,  because the coworker wasn't woman enough to let me know she liked him or that he had hit on her . And him, testing me on every front  ,actually thinking, I would still be with him after that.  Narcissism at it's finest, I had to let this cat go. I have to force myself not to remember anything about him and believe me, it's a battle everyday.  I have to realize I never really lost anything, I'm old enough to know that real love don't feel like this. Real love will never ask you to compromise your beliefs, or ask you to stop being your real self..And it's through the grace and mercy of God, that I was able to finally let him go, because the kid was surely addicted, and addicted to nothing at that. How could I have been lost for so long?  Why did it take this epiphany forever and day?  A decade   was a decade  too long.


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