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      How do I forgive you?


My first love, I broke up three years ago... I say three years, and it echoes in this room... where did three years go.

He was my first love, my first husband. we were 18 when we married and had our first child, after our third we realized we were denying the truth. we met to young and wanted freedom. we had never experienced life, and had too many hard times together, and not enough freedom. So, at 22, we split up. Our eldest Kassilee was 4, Hannah 3, and Dani-Michelle was 10 months.

Unfortunately we had to split the girls up. so Adam took Kassi, and I took Dani, and Hannah. Then Adam had to move to Boston. we live in Dallas. so he and Kassi packed up.

Two years later they are back in Dallas. that's good for the girls. here Adam and I are at 25. we tasted freedom, but realized we loved each other too much to let go, maybe we should've just not had babies so much so young, but we don't regret them, we slowly started talking again. then he moved in the apartment across the hall when it vacated. now the girls can walk back and forth across as they please. it's a little easier now that they aren't all babies. Dani is almost 4, Kassi is 7, and Hannah is 6. we have more time together.

last month I thought I was pregnant. that wouldn't have been good news. I didn't even tell him. turns out I wasn't. I love him so much....things are weird.

He asked me last night if I thought we should get re-married and move in together again, and get a house. it just seemed like so much, and I am so doubtful. Neither one of us are seeing anyone else, or want anyone else. but I have grown to respect my own space. sometimes I feel like I can't live with him or without him.

I also can't let go of the fact that while he was in Boston for two years, he was with a woman, and she lived with him. he had Kassi calling her mommy for the whole 8 months she lived there. they were going to get married. she was pregnant, miscarried, and then left him for his best friend there, part of the reason he moved back home. if it wasn't for the woman leaving he'd be in Boston, remarried, with another child.

I don't want to feel like a runner up, he said he missed me everyday. I also hate that he let Kassi call someone else mommy. I wrote her everyday. it's just that I couldn't afford three children alone. I never wanted Adam to move in the 1st place.

I want to tell Adam yes...that everything could be ok- that we should move in, marry, and be together again. but I am scared. our thee little girls are now so happy, I don't want to mess that up. I don't believe completely that it will mess things up. I guess I am scared to take a chance. I don't want to dance with our little girls fate. I like having Kassi so close again, maybe it just takes more time to heal. I hated losing Adam, and Kassi.

Adam - I don't know how you would've felt last month if it had turned out that I was pregnant. maybe we can't handle another baby. maybe we are like a time bomb, and we can only handle so much. I don't want to feel like we can only work because the girls aren't little anymore. I am scared to loose you again.... but I know you want answers.

I have been in love with you since we were 15. and here we are 10 years later...still in love... but while you were gone, all I was, was a mother... I still have never been with anyone but you. I wasn't ready - plus, I had babies to take care of. I feel like I can never forgive you for being with Masina.

How do I forgive you? I know we weren't together, but it hurts.... would it hurt if you were me?

I am scared to loose Kassi again. I want the girls to all be able to live with me no matter what happens. I want all my girls under my roof. maybe you too..... it's not like I would ever keep the girls from you......

I know I love you, and want to be with you.... so please please please..... give me time, and I can promise you that everything between us will be alright.

I love you as I love Dani, Kassi, and our Hannah. I want to allow you to have all your girls...

I love you....

-Karaline Leigh Cross


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