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Senior year in high school I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. we were neighbours, and our mothers grew up together, and so we were best friends since the time we were born. (four 1/2 months apart). I fell in love with an older guy. And we liked all the same things, and wanted to major in the same things. Matt, my boyfriend, and I - he was going to Syracuse, and I was going to UCLA. we would be apart for the first time in our lives. and not just a few miles, but the whole country between us. I think I hurt him so- as a way to cut him off. I needed to let go- before we went away to school. I kissed this guy- Jack in my yard, knowing Matt would see, the same day I told Matt that I thought we should see other people to see if our feelings were real. Matt's little sister Hailey saw, and showed him out the window. So, needless to say- we broke up.

A few months later I was pregnant. With Matt's baby. Matt and I weren't talking, he was depressed, and I really liked Jack. I wanted a lot of times to still be with Matt, or to be able to crawl in his bed, and tell him about my day, but that was over. I told jack, and everyone else that it was Jack's baby. Matt believed we would get back together until that announcement. Strange how things change so fast. Everyone thought Matt and I would be married. Jack and I did instead.

The baby was born, and a year into our marriage we were miserable. I missed Matt more than ever, and the secret I harboured about my daughter Ericha ate away at me. She was one, and had Matt's charming eyes. I wanted to tell Matt, but he had gone off to Syracuse, and had tried to move on. According to my mother he was very much in love, and was thinking of proposing. During x-mas break that year I snuck over to Matt's in the middle of the night. If I thought I had half a chance with him, I was going to tell Jack the truth and it be all over. I was young, and deceitful, and stupid. So, I told Jack. He didn't believe me, but I convinced him. He yelled at me, and then cried. We cried together. He told me about his new girlfriend. He said he thought I was a horrible person for being able to lie, and mess up my child's life and his, and ours. He said I had robbed him of Ericha's first year. Then when I thought he wouldn't, he said he forgave me.

I knew I wanted to break away from Jack, and now I could, and I did so love Matt. I told Matt to give me until summer to wrap things up with Jack. But in Feb. I discovered I was pregnant again. It was Jack's. Jack was at work when his appendix ruptured, and he was rushed to the hospital. I went. I was so scared. I dropped everything, and rushed. I had worked out a lie to tell Matt that the new baby was his- in case he wouldn't accept me- but seeing Jack laying on the bed-almost dead- I realized how much I couldn't live without jack. I called matt, and told him to stay there for the summer. I didn't want to see him. he had already broken up with his girlfriend. I told matt what happened, and that I was pregnant with Jacks baby. I cried and told Matt I would always love him, but that we couldn't be together. I learned from my mother that Matt was going to stay at his dorm for the summer, and that he was once again seeing someone. I tried not to care, but I hated it when my mother told me that it was Alli, the same one from before.

In August Matt came home though. He said he was engaged when he showed up drunk at mine, and Jack's house. He told Jack about Ericha, which I denied, and of course a paternity test proved it. Jack left me, and Matt headed back to Syracuse to marry his girlfriend.

Later that year I was living in a one bedroom apartment with a 2 year old daughter, and a newborn son Micah. I tried to get Jack back, but he wouldn't. he got married the next March, and they began a family immediately. Matt was still in Syracuse, but his girlfriend had left him. I flew up there. Ericha was 4, and Micah was 2 when Matt, and I got married. Matt and I then had a daughter Jenni, and I had my tubes tied. Jenni blossomed into a three year old girl, and one night over coffee Matt and I came to a mutual agreement that he should move out.

I had changed a lot. I recalled all the nasty things I did after graduation, and between the divorce with Jack. I was a hateful person who couldn't be trusted. Matt and I divorced, and he married again. Ericha is now 20, Micah 18, and Jenni 15. It has been 12 years since I was married to Matt. I won't get involved again because of the kind of person I was when I was with Matt, and Jack. I was lost inside, and only a kid, but I cannot forgive myself. I adopted a son Craig- he's 11- he was Matt's sister Hailey's baby. Hailey died giving birth to him, and was unmarried. Our families are of course still very close. Every time I see Matt, his wife, and their children Holly 6, and Dane 8, I can't help but have happiness for them, and nothing more. what if. I ask my self sometimes but try not to. Matt still has a very active part in Jenni, and Ericha's life, even Micah's too.

I can't step in my mother's house without seeing tons of portraits of me and infant Matt, 5 year old me and Matt, Matt and me at prom.... it makes me sad....because I know things would be different. It's silly how several stupid minutes can ruin our lives. Jack, and his wife Lela have 3 kids- Shawn 17, Becki 14, and Nathaniel- Ross 12. Jack, and Micah also par-take in activities, and Ericha also is very close to Jack. I don't mourn Jack the way I do Matt. I guess I can't say what if.....I had a marriage with Matt- that just never worked--- but he had wounds that never healed. wounds I caused. I made both of our lives so complicated. and my children's......I will be alone forever.

My kids tell my to get out, and date- but I don't want to put anyone through the terror I put matt, and Jack through. I owe them both so much for all the pain I caused- but they are happy now- and I am not. I am happy with being a mom- but wish I had someone else. at least the story turned out well for them.

I have a date tonight. nothing big. my sister is setting me up. good luck to me- and I will try to be nice- now that I am older my outlook is different. I think in college I was just scared of being alone. I thought for sure me and Matt wouldn't last-but I never expected the road that we actually took. I would undo it all- except that I loved Jack too, and love the babies I had with both men, and they are all that matters to me now. I am now an interior decorator, and happy with that life as well. but, wish I had made smarter choices in life----- don't let your heart fool you..... love who you love, and don't let fear take over. I love you always matt-----matt when I was an infant, matt when we were five, matt when we were in prom.

I just hope to one day to be as happy again- as I was then.....over 20 years ago...


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