When Samad and I met in the summer of 2000 I had no intentions of ever falling in love with him. But after some time I was able to overcome my fear of past relationships and open my heart to him.
We spent every moment we could together. After work I would run home, shower and head to his house. When school came back around every weekend we would spend together. I would push the week to end as much as I could so I could see him. While our relationship was far from perfect I know I loved him and that is all that mattered to me.
Samad was trying to get his life together and he and I often had disagreements about the way he was going about doing it. It was decided last March that he would move with his brother to Nebraska so he could put himself together for us. If I could go back to the night we sat in my car to say good-bye to each other I would beg him not to go. I wanted him to be happy and I thought that by him leaving the area for a while he would be able to do right and come home to me. Everything went down hill after he left me in New Jersey.
I missed him so much I couldn't eat, sleep or do anything. I didn't want to go to class or even go anywhere. We started to fight on the phone so much I couldn't remember when we had a nice conversation. He was having difficulty finding a job and took all his frustrations out on me. I put up with all the aggravation because I loved and still love him. I wanted him to be happy so that I could be happy.
As time went by the arguments got worse and Samad made several attempts through his e-mail to contact other women. I was devastated. Here I was waiting for him and he seemed to be looking for something more. I forgave him for that and moved on to more fights and disappointments. Samad became verbally abusive towards me and yelled just about every time we spoke on the phone. I cried so much that it didn't phase him anymore when I did because he was so used to hearing it. There were even nights that I begged him to come home. I would have done anything. I even went as far as to look for a place to rent for us. He said he would come home if I found a place and I looked everyday until I found one and when I told him he pulled out of the deal. So many others have told me that he was cheating on me and that I should let him go. When I would approach him about that he would somehow always get me to believe that he wasn't. I have always been told to listen to my intuition and my intuition was telling me he was lying. He broke up with me on my birthday and begged for me back the same night. Foolishly, I agreed because I was so willing to do anything for him.
A man could never understand how far a woman will go for him. Samad never understood how much I truly loved him. He never seemed to care. There were times when I felt so special to be his girlfriend and he made me feel like the most pretty and perfect person in the world. I hang on to those days and memories because they're all I have left of him. He doesn't call me and I have tried to speak to him but when I do he doesn't seem interested in me anymore. I never will understand where I went wrong and how I could have done things differently. I never cheated on him and to this day can't even imagine myself being with anyone else. As for Samad I don't know what he's up to. But if I listen to my intuition I feel he has found someone else although I don't want to believe it. I often sit in my room and wonder what would have happened if he stayed here. Where would we be? Would he still be in love with me?? I fight urges to call him because I know I will feel worse if I give in. I know I will hear something I don't want to.
For now, all I have is memories of the good times we shared. My whole life feels like it has fallen apart right in front of me. I am depressed and everything that used to be fun is no longer good enough for me. All I do is work and come home to sit in my room and wait for the phone to ring hoping it is him. Hoping that Samad will call and say "I love you and I'm sorry" Hoping that I can feel like myself again. Hoping that all this pain will go away when I wake up tomorrow.
I doubt he will ever see this story but if by chance he ever came across it I would like to say "I love you and I miss all the good times we had". My brother once told me that in distance relationships "The heart doesn't grow fonder with absence--it grows lonelier".