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If she only knew that I am dying

19 September, 2003


She was perfect. Everything about her made me speechless. She was that girl that I've always dreamt about. Every time I'd talk to her, my heart would skip a beat and I'd be overwhelmed with an unexplainable feeling deep inside. I met her through a friend and we instantaneously hit it off. 3 months later, I asked her to be my girlfriend.


Everything was going great, but there's always a down side to every love story. I have the worst luck in the world. I got in a terrible car accident, that left me in a coma for a couple of weeks, and in the hospital for about two months. During my stay, I received more bad news. I have cancer. This ruined my whole outlook on life, on my perfect girlfriend, and on my future. Questions flooded my mind; yet no words could come out of my mouth. I was crushed. Once I got out, I told her the terrible news, she was terrified and scared. I knew right then that she wasn't just another girl that I've dated years past, she was special. We overcame the hard time and went on with our lives. After more bad news came, she decided she couldn't take anymore, so my health was never to be spoken of again. Live life to its fullest? I tried.


Months passed and I was overjoyed that she was mine and I was all hers. Then one night, I finally confessed my feelings for her. I loved her.. so much.. words can't even say how much. It took her a while to finally say it in return. As you can imagine, I was ecstatic. No worries, no fear, as long as I had her. She was my reason for living. She gave me faith and she gave me happiness. Then, it happened. The thing I never even thought about happening, my worst fear ever.


A week before our one year anniversary. I got the news. She had cheated on me. My heart felt as if someone had thrown a huge boulder on it and crushed it into pieces. I didn't want to believe the words that were coming from her mouth but she would never lie. I didn't want to believe it. I didn't. Right at that moment, I felt like dying. I wanted to die. My whole world came crashing down and it only took one night. She broke up with me, I begged her not to, but it was too late. She claimed that she didn't want to hurt me more than she already has. So I tried to move on, tried not to think about it, but I cant seem to imagine life without her. So a couple of days later, I begged her to come back to me. She agreed, but things weren't going to be the same as before. They never will be the same, ever, anymore.


Things were rocky for 3 months. We had good days and we also had bad days. I tried so hard to hold on to her, but love won't work one-sided. This I learned the hard way.


After all we've been through, she finally closed her heart. She told me to go away, to never talk to her again. She said that the day me and her found each other was the deadliest day for both me and her. She was wrong. It was the happiest day of my life. I cannot go a day without talking to her. Now it's been 3 weeks and I'm dying inside and out. I feel like I cannot go on without her. She has made too big of an impact in my life and I just cant let go. I never imagined life without her, never and it hurts so bad now. She is my first love and what she doesn't know and never will is that she is my last. I love her so much. I know one day I will be together with her again, but until that day comes, my heart will never stop missing her.


Now, I am very sick, and it's really sad to try and get through this on my own. I've decided to give up, I've stopped my treatments and only god knows when I'll be going. I guess it'll be easier for her to not know my status, I hate it when she's hurting. Letting go of someone you really love is the worst thing you can ever experience. I felt no pain while I was with her. Now all I feel is pain. I don't regret being with her, I don't regret giving her my heart, true love knows no regret.


I give up. Now all I can do is wait, watching her from heaven will hopefully ease my pain, even though I cant be with her, I would be able to see her beautiful smile, her perfect body, and her gorgeous eyes, every single second. I love her, I always will. Till this day I wonder if she knew that I am dying, would things change? would she be mine, would she be here with me? I guess I'll never know. This leaves me with one question that will haunt me for the rest of my days, how much does she love me? I always thought that love conquered all. Am I wrong once again.


I miss her so much.

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