A final gift
28 February, 2003
For nearly a decade I've been drifting through my own life. Not quite present to attend to anything. I treated my relationships the same way, ending them with without ever having tried. I was always curious about the pain of a break-up. I was always the sender, delivering the crushing blow. It was easier I figured, it had to be. Because though I might be sad, I had checked out of the relationship long before I actually ended it.
Now the circle has spun back on me. The woman who has waited for me to awaken finally could wait no longer.
New Years Day, 2003. She had just moved to another state, and though I couldn't go with her immediately, I planned to within a few months. Perhaps I should have been more expressive with my plans. Perhaps it was already too late. After 6 weeks in separate states, I thought things were actually going as well as could be expected. I was wrong. She met someone else.
I'm not so much angry that she did. But I really thought 5 years would have bought me more than 6 weeks! Am I so easy to replace that it only takes 6 weeks to forget? Did I give so little in 5 years that I can be purged from her heart in only 42 days?
But now, despite my efforts to hate and spoil what we shared, I cannot deface her. I can't tear her down to move on. Indeed, I'm rather philosophical about it all. I have awoken. I see the errors I've repeated for 15 years with many women. Never fully giving, never fully receiving love. I find myself in the odd spot, not having before been the one to be "released" from a relationship. And I find myself oddly sad and optimistic. I am awake now. I know that the past 7 days have been the hardest, and that the next few weeks still hold pain to be felt, and tears to be shed. But soon, I'll be ready. I am awake. The next time a woman lets me into her heart, I'll be able to make that effort, to give that love, and hopefully enjoy the benefits of letting her into mine.
I am awake. I miss the love I had. I'm sorry I wasn't a better partner. I'm hurt, sad, angry.... and hopeful. I know I am a better person for the past 7 days. I am awake now and my life will never be the same. The woman who took her love away, also gave me a wonderful gift.
Thank you for waking me.