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Can I survive this?

30 March, 2001

I fell in love with someone on the internet!! Silly? Crazy? Mad? Oh god I agree.

Had you told me a year ago this could happen to me,, I would have laughed sooooo loudly. His name is Matthew and I have been chatting to him since last July. As soon as we had our first 'chat' we both felt there was something special about the other. Pretty much from day one, we would both rush to our computers to chat as much as possible, all day and night at times. He became my love, my life and I became his.

Friends could not believe the change in me,,,,, I am NOT someone who spends time on a computer, and certainly not someone who would fall for someone I havent even met!!!

He is the most incredible man I have 'never' met. The problem is that I have been hurt so very badly before and I can't bear to open myself up to be hurt again. My mum died nearly two years ago, which has devasted me. Dad died 7 months ago, and I havent even begun to mourn for him yet. I have had one guy that I loved before, commit suicide after a row and I cant bear the thought of being hurt again. I have decided that I will NEVER enter into a relationship with anyone again. Matthew knows all this, and has never put any pressure on me in any way, he just listens and loves me. Now, it has all gone silly, we are just mates and I think my heart is about to break in two. Matt says, if we are both hurting this much, why dont we meet and take a chance,,, how could we hurt more than this? But i cant, still too scared,,,, if this is how much it hurt before we met, imagine the pain if we DID meet and then broke up? I'm pretty sure I couldnt survive it.

Can I survive this?, Can Matt?

I hate myself for causing him ALL this pain.. But I KNOW I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE...

I am a bad person?

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