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Loving a married man

22 December, 2001

I am 25, not a very socialized girl and many boys misunderstand and think that I look above them. I begin work early, got a well-paid job and have become quite a successful young lady.

He is 41, my boss's friend, handsome, arrogant, and married with 2 kids. I did dating with some men and never felt attracted to any one because they seem not very smart and sincere, but I am curious by his arrogance.

We have sex when we don't love each other at all. And I just think it's a love game to play because we look like a really good match when we are going out together. And I think I can have a strong will to decide to stop that game whenever I want. But the more we spent time together the more we felt we love each other. (His wife & kids live in other country and I can get my exclusive right on his time). He appears to be a very sweet, wonderful, devoted and disciplined man who is really fit for me and who I wish I can spend my whole life with. Every moment I stay with him, I just find myself full with joy and happiness. Every day, I just wonder why the time passes by so fast and I never feel enough with him. I think of him all the time, when I wake up, when I go to work, when I eat, when I shower, and when I sleep.

Except for his working and sleeping time, we almost spend all our time together. (We still live separately) I became too busy to meet any other friends because I just want to stay with him instead of spending time with any one else. We've been dating for 3 years.

Every night, when I come back home I'm thinking about myself. I cannot control this relationship anymore. What I am doing now? I borrow someone's husband? That man doesn't belong to me and I have no right to love him. Some day I have to return him to his family and how can I move on my life without him? He already became a part of my life and he is my first true love. I just ask God why he didn't meet me before he got married? I cannot find any answer for that. I have no courage to end this relationship and am also afraid to wait for an ending for I know I am a loser right before I begin fighting. Sometimes I think that I can bury all my self-respect and ambitions , just to be with him. His happiness will be my happiness, and I am willing to do anything to make him happy. So, I never want to interfere with his family, and keep our relationship secret for his wife, his kids, and his family. I think that I will live this single life, just to love him and be loved.

My Mom knows that and she begged me to go to US to start over a new life and forget him ( as I am so venerable and too weak in front of him) and I accepted for his family's, himself, and my own good. Now I been living in the US for a year and a half, carrying on with my student life, I still think of him every single day, we still email and call to each other, still feel strongly in love with each other. And he always tells me that I am the last and only love in his life. And I am happy just to know he still love me.

I have no idea when I can forget him, when I can really move on with a new life, whether he will be an obsession in my life? Because whenever I meet some man I always compare with him and I can never feel satisfied.

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