15 February, 2009
Intro: I was recently told that in order to get over certain difficult periods in my life that it is helpful to write them down and hope that afterwards you have gained some sort of extra knowledge and a new coping mechanism . As I write this I am contemplating whether or not I am going to share this with people. Regardless of whether or not I share this with people I hope that this helps me get over what has been the hardest period of time in my life. Let me start by saying to anyone who may be reading this that I do not intend for this to sound at all clichť and I know that reading this that is probably what you may think . But please know, none of what I will say is at all over-dramatized whatsoever. I think that without knowing me and my character much of this will be difficult to understand . I am not like everyone else . There is a stereotype that all boys are emotionless bullies . That we care about nobody but ourselves and we never have emotions . I do not fit anywhere near that stereotype. First off , I do suffer from depression . The certain type I have is called dysthymia. If you donít know this basically means I have a cycle of feelings . I will feel sad for a few days feel mad for a few days feel worried for a while and then be fine . I go through each phase at least once a week . In and of itself this is hard for me to deal with. I donít understand why I have to have depression . Iím only a kid nobody should have to deal with depression and itís my dream that someday depression wonít exist . Many people donít understand that I canít ďjust be happyĒ and they donít understand why itís so hard for me to deal with certain things. Another thing that is important to know is that I value my friends more than anything in this world . They are so important to me . Being around people who care about me makes me feel like the old me again. Unfortunately , not so many people care about me or enjoy being around to me . I wonít dive right into that right now cause it is a bigger issue that I will reflect on later. Having a good friend to support me always makes dealing with my day to day hardships so much easier. In the past Iíve had people in my life who really bring out the best of me . Some people have many friends and many people care about them . I can only hope that someday that will be me. I am sensitive in two ways. Little things upset me and little things make me happy. This sensitivity can work against me or in my favor . Iím sad to say that usually it works against me. Lots of the things I do or the way I act in certain circumstances are because of these things and I just wish everyone understood. Taking the time to explain it to everyone in my life just wouldnít be worth it . Many people would take this information and try to use it against me and part of life is dealing with people who either just donít like you or who donít understand you. As I begin to dive into the story that is the past 7 months of my life Iíd like to remind myself or whoever may be reading this that I do mean everything I say . You may not understand it but remember I am not lying and all of this is coming straight from my heart (as lame as that sounds). Please just listen and try to understand.
Part 1 : Pre D.C.
Now after going through all of this I remember as the time before the D.C. incident as the ďtime when I was happyĒ. This was the time when I last remember being able to think about my life and realize I was doing better with my depression. I had people in my life who were helping me. One of these people was Jodi and the other person was Gina. Jodi helped me a lot even though when I think about it now our relationship was really considerable shallow. The only reason she talked to me was because ďmy body was sculpted by Jesus himselfĒ. I thought she actually legitimately cared about me. None the less she did help me a great deal . We talked almost everyday and thats what I always need to help me deal with things. The other person who helped me was Gina. Here is where we get to the main reason Iím writing this right now . Gina was always important to me . I cared about her a lot and I always hoped she cared about me too . I never took the time to tell Gina how much I cared about her and for that I wonít ever forgive myself. I never took the time to show her how important she was to me . Maybe if I did none of this stuff would have happened and I wouldnít need to be writing this right now. Gina and I had a pretty good relationship as of then . We talked a lot but I never really knew if she ever did care about me. Because I could never really tell if she liked me or not I was always careful about how I treated her . Another thing that you should know is Iím always self conscious about how I treat people because I feel if I am too nice people will think I like them. This is a textbook mistake because I now know you should always treat people as good as you can. Gina deserved better than me . She always deserved to have someone treat her good . And from how much I liked her I could have treated so good but I let my conscious get in the way . Yet another thing I wonít forgive myself for doing. Everyone deserves to be treated good and it sucks that Iím realizing that now. Going into the details of the good times is not why I am writing this now . I am writing this because my unhappiness now outweighs my means to make myself feel better. Now I think I should divulge the sadness and pain that has been these last few months in my life.
Part 2 : Washington D.C. Trip
Before I go into the details of this trip you should know how much this trip changed my life . Whether for good or for bad Iím not entirely sure right now. All I know is I see it as a bad experience in my life . But who knows maybe someday Iíll realize that this experience helped me grow. I believe strongly that although nobody wants to lose friends there are less painful ways to lose friends. The worse way is to slowly lose your friend with lots of fights and arguments . Thats exactly what happened with Gina during D.C. First off D.C. was supposed to be all about Gina. We were supposed to sit together on the bus and if things went right I was going to ask her out. Sadly neither of those things worked out . The problems began on the bus ride over to D.C. I was really upset that I wasnít sitting with Gina and I got worried that this trip might distance us instead of bring us closer as I had intended. I hated seeing Gina with all the other people and I hated how I could never tell if she wanted me to talk to her or not. I hated how everyone could talk to her so easily but for me it was so hard. I put this all on Gina. Since it was hard for me to talk to her I expected her to talk to me . This was unfair of me to ask of her . I was worried and I didnít know what to do . It seems stupid now but I can remember feeling so bad as my plan for the trip was slowly falling apart. Next was Morgan . Morgan was kind of coming on to me during the first part of the trip and it kind of scared me . None the less I was being nice and I didnít tell her to leave or anything. I forget how Gina found out about this but she wasnít very happy. We talked on the phone for a while but it didnít seem to help very much . I just didnít want to lose her. I could see it happening already . I could just imagine life without her and her support . I was trying so hard just not to lose her . Thats all I wanted . I didnít care if I lost all my other friends just not her. The next day was ok. I talked to Gina in the morning. It seemed kind of different . It seemed like something had changed . Like she thought of me differently somehow. We talked for a little then she left . Next thing I saw was her hugging Mav . Right at that moment I just got crushed . A hug in and of itself is not bad . I just felt so bad that that couldnít be me. I took this out on Gina .I canít believe I ever did that . Jealousy is never something you should act on itís a feeling that blinds your judgment and I should have known that. She didnít like that one bit and she went and told a couple of people. This hurt even more . I didnít want people to know ! I just wanted to keep it private cause its embarrassing to get so sensitive . Also it hurt cause I thought that Gina cared about me and I donít know why she would do that if she cared. I was just so upset and I felt so alone . I had no one to help me and I needed help . Since I had no help I ended up just frantically texting her . Bad decision. I was just making myself more vulnerable for Gina to tell people things . From there multiple things happened . On the second day I noticed Gina was hanging out with this other kid named James . I didnít get it . I had tried so hard to get her to like me for so long and it took her 2 days to get onto another guy ? I continued trying to talk to Gina . It didnít work. Most of the texts were read by James and he told her not to respond . How is that fair ? Here I was trying to help her and solve this and she was basically saying ďNo Iím fine with James . I donít need your helpĒ I was there all alone with no help and she was off having fun with James . James was obviously just using her and I was just trying to make her feel better. The entire day she spent with James . The entire day I spent trying to reach her to make her and me feel better. From here it went from very bad to worse. That night we had a dance in an empty mall . I made the bad decision to dance with Jodi. I remember it so clearly . I wanted so badly to ask Gina to dance I just didnít feel comfortable cause I didnít want to get rejected. I remember the song we danced to . It was ďBubblyĒ . Itís not a song I should be listening to as a guy but every time I hear it on the radio I cry . Thatís really lame I know but that was the turning point in me and Ginaís fight. That night I tried calling Gina . I think we talked for like 5 minutes then she ďhad to goĒ. Then I called Jodi and apparently Gina had yelled at her for dancing with me . From here just everything was breaking down. I was losing two friends at once and a person who I held very dear to me. No offense to Jodi but I dealt with losing her pretty well. But Gina is completely different . I never wanted to lose her ever . I thought weíd be friends forever.The next day was day three of our trip. Basically the day of revenge I would call it . Gina was striking back you could say for me dancing with Jodi . She wouldnít respond to my texts most of which James responded to telling me to be more manly like Mav or be more nice like James. This just broke me. I couldnít handle that. Even as Iím writing this I am breaking down in tears . Even the thought of these events bring me to tears. All I ever wanted was to be important to Gina and I was seeing the likeliness of me ever meaning anything to Gina just slipping away day by day. I couldnít bear to lose her I wasnít prepared. Day 3 passed and then came day 4. I was so glad that the trip was finally over but I had no clue what was in store for me .I thought Gina trouble were over that I had seen the worst of it . On the bus ride back was the longest time Iíve gone without crying when I really needed to cry . Lindsay had called me a couple times to tell me how Gina didnít like me and that I should just leave her alone. I couldnít bear that . Not only did Gina not like me but she was making sure everyone knew she didnít like me. Then when we came to a bus stop I looked over to see the other bus . What I saw was embarrassing and so upsetting . Apparently Gina had told enough people that I got mad at her for hugging Mav that everyone was now hugging her. I was so upset by that . Not only did it seem that now everyone else was more important than me but I was embarrassed . Everyone thought I was a freak. I was the ďguy who was mad at the girl who didnít like him for hugging other peopleĒ . It made me seem like a freak . Yet again this is to hard for me to think about and Iím breaking down again. My trip sucked . Now whenever someone says Washington or D.C. itís all I think about . It was so hurtful . I never knew I could feel that way. D.C was an experience I will never forget. Iíll never truly get over the hurt it caused me. Sadly, D.C. was not the end of my problems with Gina.
Part 3 : After D.C.
D.C. was just the beginning of my Gina related problems . Everything spiraled out of control from here . Describing every single detail of these times would be way to cumbersome and would take to long.I choose to share only a few experiences some good and many bad. After D.C. I gave Gina a call . I felt terrible but I just needed some sort of closure and I just wanted to know how she felt. We talked for a little bit and everything was ok. We tried solving it and it worked ! From here things seemed weird . I thought going through all that she would treat me differently like start showing me she cared and stuff . She didnít . She seemed to shy away from me instead. She didnít seem like she liked me even though she told me she did . From here I made my biggest mistake in this entire 7 months . I chose to bring up D.C. again. It was such a bad move. Then we solved it again and everything was ok . Then I decided to ask her to hangout she said sheíd love to . This was good but she said she was moving so she might not be able to . I said ok thats fine. Then I realized she had hung out with Chloe and other people on Thursday . That really upset me because I thought she liked me and wanted to see me . Apparently I was wrong. I just wanted to be with her and show her I cared . It seemed like she didnít want to .From her we fought a little then were fine . We were talking positively more than fighting. As time progressed the fighting increased and the talking positively decreased . I noticed she was hanging out with James more and more . This just upset me more. I shouldnít have acted on these feelings but I did. There was one time when I went to Ginaís softball game.I didnít even talk to her. She was right there and I didnít even say hello. I canít believe myself . Now if I was given that opportunity I would talk to her for hours just explaining to her how sorry I am. I wish I had talked to her. From here we were just falling apart . Lots of things happened involving her with James and such. Small things that I should have just let go and focused on being nicer to Gina. I wish I was better to her I wish I had treated her how she deserved to be treated. Last specific thing Iíd like to share was the dance . It was the end of the year dance . I sat there and had to watch Gina dance with James .It broke my heart watching the girl who was so important to me slipping away from me . I just wanted her back. It didnít seem fair that I was trying so hard but nothing worked.
Part 4 :August
After dealing with all of the Gina things I was tired emotionally and physically. Fortunately and unfortunately I found someone . I noticed lots of people were talking about one of the English teachers nieces who were visiting from Georgia. So I decided to talk to one of them . Her name was August and we got along pretty good. She helped me keep my mind off Gina. Even though I still felt really strongly about Gina nobody wants to deal with bad things all the time. I feel now that I should have just stuck it out and dealt with the Gina problem even though it was hard for me. After talking to August for a while I realized she was really nice and she helped me a lot . Then people started telling August liked me now . I didnít feel the same about her but I thought she was really cool. Whenever someone would ask me if I still liked Gina I would say no I like August. Which was a lie but it still kept people off my back. Then Chloe asked me who is one of Ginaís best friend. I told her August and she promptly told Gina. I didnít think Gina would be upset. She had told me before she didnít like me , Apparently she had lied about not liking me. This upset me so much that she wouldnít just tell me how she felt. I decided to talk to her . She told me had to go. I was going to tell her I still liked her ! She was just being difficult when I was trying to help her. She then told me she was crying for an hour after she hung up. I just wanted to make her feel better why wouldnít she just talk to me ? I just wanted everything to be ok. Then it just got worse. People kept pressuring me into kissing August . I didnít really want to but I didnít want people to make fun of me or for August to be upset. I asked Gina if she would be upset if I did kiss her.She told me no. I knew this was a lie . I wouldnít have kissed her if she had just told me the truth. The kiss with August meant nothing but broke everything. Here we come to the most difficult time in this whole ordeal. Summer
Part 5: Summer
Summer is always a hard time for me.Itís always the time when I feel most depressed and sad. I didnít want that to happen this year. I asked Gina if we could hang out over Summer and if she would help me feel better . She said yes. Needless to say she did not hang out with me and she did not make me feel better. Summer was a time of great pain for me. I spent most of the time trying to reach Gina to try to solve this. I ended up dealing with things badly . I started cutting myself. I started wanting to die. Gina knew all of this yet she still didnít care. Talking about this time period in detail is too upsetting for me so Iíll refrain from describing the details. Basically everything feel apart. I had a terrible Summer and Gina had a great one. I spent 6 days of summer with my friends total. The rest I was alone either walking around or in my room. Gina was always with her friends and lots of the time her friends would text me to make fun of me. This was fine cause Gina didnít care . She was over me. It took her 7 days to get over me. I
Must not have been that important if she got over me in 7 days. I still just wanted her back. During Summer I made mistakes too though. I got so upset that sometimes I would tell Gina I didnít care about her or that I hated her. Looking back on that I know it was a mistake. The only reason I did it was because of how frustrated I was that everything I was trying wasnít working. I just wanted someone to help me deal with all this pain I had inside my head. Gina was off having fun while I was at home by myself and she took absolutely no pity on be and seldom tried to help me or make me feel better in any way. She had moved on to liking someone else. She liked Austin now. I didnít get how she couldnít have just stuck with me and given me another chance. She gave up so fast that it seemed so sudden to me. I had just learned that she liked me and then suddenly she hated me. Towards the end of Summer Gina just stopped talking to me entirely. She just didnít want me anymore at all. Slowly as school started and Summer ended we began talking again. But, I will never forget what that Summer did for me and my character. All the pain I felt in such a short period of time. All the effort I put in to save my friendship when it was already lost. All I know is I will never forget Summer of 2008.
Part 6: Present Day (Past 5 weeks up to right now)
As of now nothing is right. Gina and I have drifted farther away from each other than ever before . She hardly ever talks to me . I see her in the halls but there is no hello no wave . Our conversations are usually empty and stale . Usually there is such little response from her that I feel like Iím talking to myself. The feelings I feel inside me are destroying me from the inside out . To anyone who may be reading this . Please never let the people you care about go . Keep everyone who you care about close to you . Never treat anyone wrong. If someone is important to you make sure you let them know that everyday . Never let anyone tell you who you can or canít care about . Donít let anything get in the way of your friends and your relationships . Although this has hurt me deeply and scarred me emotionally I feel that Iíve learned a valuable lesson .Iím never going to treat someone I care about badly. Iíve noticed a change in myself . I hate myself now . I feel so strongly that I could have stopped this. Life was always so much easier with Gina there to help me . What hurts the most is knowing all the opportunities I was given to show Gina I cared and wanted her back but I didnít take any of them. We were so close and I always have so much to say to her but sheís always just out of reach . I know that as I go through life friends will come and go but I never thought Iíd lose Gina. I once thought I loved Gina . Losing someone you love is never fun. As of right now Gina is hanging out with Jodi,Chloe,and Austin . Austin is what you could call the replacement Noah . Even though I donít think I can call him that because I now realize I never was important enough to need replacing. Thereís not a day that goes by that I donít wish I could back and make everything ok . If I just had one more chance to show her how important she was to and how much I truly cared about her in every way possible. This ordeal has torn me apart. Iím trying to be strong but the strength I have is slowly washing away. I know soon I will crack, I just hope that what happens when I crack that I wonít do anything stupid . Who knows maybe in a few months or years I will look back on this situation and laugh and realize that it helped me grow. All I know is that as of now I am a broken person and I will need to begin picking up the pieces. My feelings of happiness were obliterated on April 7th, 2008 and I will never forget these 7 months and 8 days of hurt. If I did in fact share this with you please know everything I said in this short memoir was the truth to those who donít know me this may seem clichť in a way but sharing my feelings has hopefully helped me get over this time in my life. This experience has already changed me as of now I feel it is a negative change . But thereís always a chance that everything will work out in the end. Iím just not sure if Iím ready to be the man I need to be to deal with myself. I need to be able to look at myself and say that I tried my best and it didnít work out. If I had just one wish it would be for Gina to be a happy person for the rest of her life even if it means I need to sacrifice my own happiness for her. And this is how my story ends. Gina is now going out with Austin . I lost. She pushed me out of her life and pulled him in. It hurts but Iíll survive. I just wish I never lost herÖ