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Painfully i loved you

12 February, 2009

i saw this guy when i had my interview for a job...i thought really,that he was a guy...until the moment that he spoke...and I've discovered that he is a "gay"....so,i was so shocked and can't believe it....i actually got attracted to him..sad to say...he's a gay....

 

unfortunately......the day is fading and i wasn't able to make it to the final but he does...so i just whispered to myself..."sayang!,kung nagkataon sabay sana kming marelocate".....so it ended there....but i can't still forget his face and smile.....

 

until.....one day...after three months....

this company that I'd applied, went back to conduct a job fair in our place..

i didn't lose my hope and so i applied back then....

 

 

luckily,i was able to win the interviewer's heart...hehehehe...i passed..i made it!!!!i was so overwhelmed with joy..."sa wakas!makikita ko n rin sya!!!!.....

 

after two weeks,we flew to that city where that company lies....

i had a month and a week training.....unfornately,wasnt able to pass the final assessment...so sad...that i need to go back in scratches....

 

i was very down....however,i was so happy that we meet again....

we became close friends...

we hang out together with our friends,drink and smoke together,talk non-sense and nasty things....

 

i actually accepted that he is a gay....he's feeling is more than a girl than i..

 

one night,when we had our happy-happy in one of the videoke stores along a highway...it felt so so like a "dream" for me...

 

he was drunk and you know what????!!!!

can't you believe that he told us that there is someone in our group that he's starting to fall in love with....and this person fully understand him in his own ways and given him so much of care....though he's a gay....

 

 

oh!my!!!!!then we all asked him....who might that be?

 

it's like "gorblimey!"...i wanna melt down and scream out loud...

who might that be....

 

he whispered my name....

 

oh Good Lord!!!what the heck he is saying to the group....

 

after that night....i turned so confuse with the situation...

 

i asked myself "sinabi nya lng ba yun just to see my reaction?",

   "sinabi nya lng ba yun para sakyan ang iba naming  friends  who  are trying to tease the two of us?"

  "sinabi nya lng ba yun dahil lasing sya?" or worst

 

   " sinabi nya yun dahil yun ang totoong nararamdaman nya?

 

i had so many questions running into my mind...

 

so,to have the answer.i planned to drink alone and be drunk..para lumakas loob kong tanungin sya tungkol dun..

 

that was it!i got drunk and started crying,screaming and telling my friends that i hate my mother so much,that i hat my life!that i am so confused...

 

i asked them to bring him there,because i have something to ask for..

something that i can't help inside of me...it's really an agony...being so confused...being so inlove with a gay...

 

 

then,he actually came...laughing at me because on how i look,-crying and drunk-

 

he asked me smilingly"so now,are you happy being drunk?"you're funny..don't you know that?are you crazy?so,what do you want to ask me?

 

i answered angrily " why are you confusing me?"

 

he said " i am not confusing you...it's you who's confusing yourself,...

       or it's you who's confusing me!!!"

 

so what now....i asked him "lahat ba ng sinabi mo last time,nung lasing ka,totoo ba yun?

 

he laughed at me saying "my god!!!hindi mo pa rin yun makalimutan?lam mo lasing ako that time, i can still remember everything that I've said at hindi ako nagsisisi na sinabi ko yun....and what do you want to know now?kung totoo bang I'm falling for you?duh!kung hindi ka lng tanga...of course yes!!!i mean it...I'm falling for  you and i don't know why....it actually feels like bullshit...i love you....

 

i turned speechless and cried...i held his hands and i said...i love you so much...

 

then he said.."so matulog ka na...at sna bukas kalimutan mo n yang nararamdaman mo..okay?may duty pa ako...bye..

 

so i woke up in the mornig trying to convince myself that i need to move on..

he's a gay,and there's no way that he will like nor love someone like me..

 

yet,I'm still so confused..so,coincidentally,we got drunk together with some friends..

 

that night,i poured out all my feelings for him,all of my anger towards him..i shouted at him and worst i told him that i hate myself for falling so deeply in love with him..who's a gay...

 

he also confessed to me that he actually feels the same way that i do towards him ,however,he can't also stop himself from liking boys and make up with them... so he told me that if given the chance to be a real guy..

he'll pick me as his ideal girl..but he said that it's really hard in his situation....though he really like me but he is really a gay...

 

he wants to court me and make me his girl but he also predicted the fact that he'll still look for a guy to satisfy his need (well,you know what i mean,)and he don't want that thing to happen..he doesnt want to hurt me if ever we have a commitment to each other...

 

 

so now,i fully accepted it...and we're still good friends though....

 

among all of the peole around us...

 

 

we both know that we still are "inlove with each other"...

 

 

 

 

" always tell to the one that you love that you are inlove with them,no matter what he is or who he was..."

 

 

 

 

 

 

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