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Defining true love - a JC story

21 January, 2009

Let's call me Jamie. Let's call the love of my life, Charlotte.

This is our story so far...

I'm not a real guy. Charlotte has been my best friend since high school. Before knowing her, I was a loner. I couldn't mixed well in my school and was a social outcast. No one liked me because I was different. They suspected I was abnormal and they were somehow correct about it. But they knew so little about me and they'd already passed judgement on me that I was simply a bad person.

Being a "guy" is normal to me. Still, I wasn't the type of person who dared to be. I conformed to most of the norm in society, wearing the school uniform properly and following the rules. Basically, I was law-abiding and very God-fearing.

I'm a devout Catholic alright. So all my life so far, I've been praying so hard to God for the biggest miracle of my life - that one day I'd wake a guy. So far, every day I'm quite disappointed. Every day I feel I can't breathe when I go out in public, depressed I'm not physically male despite being mentally male.

Charlotte is like any other normal heterosexual girl. She likes guys and didn't ever think she'd like a girl. When we were just friends, I never thought much of whether she'd give me a chance. I had already it set in my mind firmly that no girl would ever fall for me, ever. I was going to die alone with no one ever loving me.

I had half a mind to commit suicide when I was 15 years old. There were some days I just hated the fact that people see the body not the soul/mind, and I just cried alone in my room. My parents were both busy working and separated. They didn't love each other anymore and that's another story by itself.

It was then I met Charlotte. I knew that since I was drowning in my misery, I didn't notice her at first. I was playing the piano, playing my own compositions when I heard her compliment me. Surprised I was, but happy for once. We became friends from there.

Charlotte had interests in classical music as well. So we had much to talk about and share about. As friends, I had to keep telling myself that even if I did like her, we'd be nothing more than best friends. I cared for her but I knew - it was impossible.

Like every night before, I prayed to God before sleeping. This one night, I prayed for the one chance to have a relationship, a relationship that I would cherish forever. The next thing I knew, I confessed my love for Charlotte after knowing her for 2 weeks.

My, that was such a fast move. It was such a rush. But I was 15, depressed and practically desperate and very impulsive. I think my hormones were at work here. Because now 5 year later, I wouldn't dare do it again.

Confession was only the first step to our love. Alas for me, Charlotte didn't love me. She still looked upon me as a best friend. But slowly, after we both shared our first kiss. She fell ever so gradually in love with me. I was elated, overjoyed. Jumping to the high heavens and praising the Lord God for this answered prayer. My faith in God grew immensely.

Then the first obstacle in our relationship came,

even though Charlotte had said she loves me. Before I met her, she had gotten to know another guy on the internet and had communicated with him for over a year. We'll call him Z.

Z was an older guy and in junior college. Z was involved with another girl in his school, but he still like Charlotte in some way.

Despite my advice, Charlotte secretly met up with Z for the first time and went on a date with him. Her family knew nothing about it and her younger sister didn't stop her. Thank God nothing went wrong. But I was jealous.

Charlotte was my first love. It was natural that I was jealous. I found out about it and I got angry. I was hurting and Charlotte knew. But she couldn't really decide who she liked more. When Charlotte was participating in a music performance, I went to support her. I dressed up as a guy and bought her a bouquet of flowers to present to her after the concert. To my distasteful surprise, I saw Z at the concert as well. Z brought a rose for her. Charlotte took it and returned to the dressing room. I waited after the concert and gave her the bouquet of flowers and proceeded to ask her why she had invited Z. She lied to me and said her younger sister had told Z about the concert. Later on, Charlotte confessed that she had actually asked Z to come see her. That time, I felt so sad.

I had never known such pain and sadness before this. Loneliness by itself was ready to kill me. Now this...

Charlotte and I eventually talked things through. And she decided it was best to never contact Z again, since Z was also already interested in another girl at the same time.

We dated for a long while. Every time I went out with her, I had to be mindful of myself. I had to dress as a guy and be careful about how I spoke and sounded. I even binded up my chest tightly to pass off as a guy. So most of the dates, one could say I was breathless.

Our love sunk deeper over the years. We started getting more and more involved with each other. We could not have sex, obviously. This is something that still bothers me because I fear she would one day still leave me because I'm unable to satisfy her in that way.

So our love is really just love, not lust.

But the next test of our love came before I knew it and it was bigger than ever...

Like any other relationship, there will be conflict, arguments, unresolved anger and violence. We had it as well. All those times, I thought we'd patch up. Charlotte was actually just giving it so the argument would end. She began planning to leave me.

I didn't know about it, until...

it had been one month of not hearing from her. I wait very anxiously every day to hear from her. Being away from her made me rethink and reflect on my faults. I was dying to see her. One morning, I got up and her mother called me. Having a good impression of me, her mother was worried that I, her daughter's best friend, hadn't gone and visited her daughter for a long while. Her mother asked me to go out with Charlotte. I was overjoyed!

I dropped everything I was doing. Packed my bag, dressed up quickly but properly and headed out to Charlotte's place. Only to find she wasn't home. So I headed to all the fun places we had been. Hours passed. Eventually in the evening, I went back to find her mom and sadly said, " I can't find her."

I rested for a while and along came her younger sister. Her mom asked her about Charlotte. With a strange look on her face, she went away and called Charlotte. Charlotte didn't have a mobile phone, so I wondered how she knew what number to call. Her sister returned to me and told me this, "Charlotte says not to wait for her and to go home."

I was shocked. I didn't know what to think. I trudged away and sat a the bus stop. My mind was spinning. Where was Charlotte? Why did she want me to leave? That evening, Charlotte returned home and found me sitting downstairs in the playground. We talked. I asked her what happened and she said she had gone to a BBQ with some guy, W. She had only met W and known him for 2 weeks, through the friendship network of her younger sister.

Charlotte said that W had been fervently chasing after her younger sister. Every day W would wait, even in the rain, just to send her younger sister to the bus stop. I was surprised.

Days went by, I was suspicious. One night, I unexpectedly turned up at Charlotte's place after calling umpteen times only to be told Charlotte wasn't home even at midnight. It was so unlike Charlotte to return home late.

Finally, after begging her younger sister to tell me where Charlotte was. She told me that Charlotte was at W's home. My heart just stopped. My ears rang with unfamiliar sounds. I waited that long cold night, for Charlotte to come home. I sat in the living room of Charlotte's home crying. Her family were asleep. I was alone. Charlotte had spent a night in another guy's home.

After a few days, I found out that Charlotte had been dating W and she had been sleeping over for more that one night in his locked bedroom on his bed. I was so heartbroken. Every night I couldn't sleep. The night I found out, I went home and vomitted on the ground. I didn't know what came out. I was semi-conscious when I got into bed. Even so, I couldn't lie down to close my eyes. My mind was swimming with thoughts of getting her back.

I am so stupid, right? Even after I'm betrayed, I wasn't angry but afraid. So afraid to lose the girl who loves another guy more than me. I couldn't eat. I was so crushed I wrote love songs. I realised gradually that Charlotte loved me lesser everytime we fought. I looked upon my past and saw the emotional monster I was. Then I cried again. I really deeply regretted.

The emotional baggage I carried all my life was too heavy for Charlotte to bear. Undoubtly, the pressure of not being able to be open about our relationship to anyone, was a very crushing pressure. She couldn't take it. Charlotte had a plan in mind to be with a loving normal guy, not someone like me. I was simply an unwelcomed visitor in her life.

I begged Charlotte weeks, months. Finally, she broke off with W, seeing as how he'd managed to suddenly change his mind from her younger sister to her in just knowing her for 2 weeks. She didn't think W really loved her and her younger sister had told her her reasons for rejecting W in the first place.

2 years past since that huge test of our love, now I have overcomed anger, violence and have learned not to be so jealous. Charlotte says she loves me alot. And because of this incident, Charlotte became a Catholic too. Now she has strong faith in God.We both grew up from all these challenges.

Right now, in year 2009, Charlotte's facing family pressures. Her family frowns upon such relationships. They found out since the W incident 2 years ago. She still doesn't have their support. Neither do I.

But I really love her so much. I am determined to undergo all the surgeries and hormone therapy neccessary to become a guy, just so that I can marry Charlotte and take care of her for the rest of our lives. I'm committed to this relationship.

Charlotte's having second thoughts because her family's now awkward around me. I can understand and it's not her fault. To her family, I'll never be a genuine quality guy, no matter how well I treat Charlotte. I'm still going to be a freak.

I don't know what to think these days. I just love Charlotte so much with every passing moment, regardless whether I'm with her or not.

I'm longing for the day I can finally be the guy that holds her hand when we go out on a date and hug her in public, without worrying about the public eyes on us. I know that's what Charlotte really wants and being with her is depriving her of that. I feel so guilty.

Only God has the power to transform me. I'm praying that one day it will come true.

Who ever reads this, if you believe in God, please pray for us. Thanks!

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