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Without him, im lost

18 January, 2009

I'm the typical ordinary girl. Innocent about relationships. My first was just one day back when i was in Grade 6. Funny, but it never meant a thing at all. I liked someone back then too, my whole elementary life until my 2nd year in high school, he was all that interested me. I thought it was love, but i realized it changed through years. My second boyfriend was when i was third year already. Late bloomer they say. I admit i had suitors back then but i knew better. My parents were strict and i was afraid. But this time, everything in me changed.

My second was Dennis. A 23-year old education student i met when i joined a dance competition in Cangmunag. We were introduced through my classmate which happens to be his neighbor. Being innocent, he became my boyfriend not long enough. October 23, 2007 that was. Although it wasnt that simple. Before he courted me, his bestfriend (there were four of them in the group) Marc was the first to show affections. 2 days after, he followed. I liked him better so he was the one i said yes to. Not knowing he had dark intentions on me. Our relationship was the reason the group had a conflict. Marc got angry with Arfel (the 3rd friend) who gave my number to dennis. 2weeks after, they were ok again. Dennis and i were fine but Marc always followed me. Sending me messages that he would wait. Arfel always advised me between them, and i went through it. To make the long story short, i knew that what dennis wanted from me was lust. He was the one who took my purity in the most oddly way i could imagine and i hated him so much for that. We didnt last long, November 2, disco in our "lungsod", i saw him dance with Abigail, my ex-classmate and neighbor. I broke up with him.And i heard they two got together after us.

During my relationship with Dennis, and even before, i had this admirer in friendster. Name was Nicolas. When we broke up, he was my means of comfort. Coincidentally, he studied in the same town as i am, so when there was a parade, we had a chance to meet at last and by December 3, he became my third boyfriend. He was so faithful to me and by that time i realized he was just somebody i needed to lean on. I don't love him but i hoped i would learn. We were moving on of course, i told him i dont love him, but he said it was ok as long as he can be with me. He said he doesnt need commitments.We had an agreement that for the two of us, he would be my boyfriend and for everyone else, i would be single. I had to accept that. He doesnt want to let me go. Then i left for a vacation.

January 2, 2008. I arrived early in the morning back home. At noon, i fetched my friend who would be arriving too. In the afternoon, and until the night, we hanged out together. They even slept in our house. But before we went to our house, we watched a basketball tournament and that's when i met Jonathan. I knew he was a friend of my cousin, he asked my number, called me. And that was the start of another story. Of course, the next day was my monthsary with Nicolas. And also that time, Jonathan tried to court me. As a girlfriend, i had to tell Nicolas about Jonathan and the fact that i think i like him. We had an agreement, so i thought it was ok. Funny, but Jonathan became my fourth boyfriend. Of course, Nicolas knew but i cant tell Jonathan anything. Besides, to everybody else, i was single. SO be it. I wasn't lying.

With us and Jonathan, our first day was our first kiss. I didn't like it. Him kissing me that early. I was afraid he would be like dennis. He left for Cebu and i had to live without my real boyfriend and the boyfriend on contract. I guarded my heart. I kept myself from falling, but the more i was exposed to Jonathan's honesty (or so i've thought), i had this slight feeling that i want to be with him. He make me laugh through text, how much more in person? But February 5, he broke up with me. I didnt let him. Why? I was falling. I cant let him go now. Then he broke up with me again February 16. I can't even believe because he talked to me valentines and told me how much he missed me and then that. I admit i dont want to let him go but i did. I cant hold him, it hurts. I even cried. And he dedicated the song far away by nickelback.

The break up was something i cant take. I shared it to my bestfriend. He was the first boyfriend i had that really made me interested. Then i lost him and im left with my contract boyfriend. My parents knew about him though but as ive said, for everybody else, im single. So i said i broke up with my boyfriend. It was Jonathan i meant of course. But that's the beauty of not telling everything. I missed Jonathan. 3 days he didnt showed any signs of contact. I had to live with that

Then remember Marc? The suitor whom i rejected and still showed interest and said he would wait? His wait was over March 14, 2008. Of course, during the days before, me and Jonathan had communication. Talking about love and why we broke up. I was falling for him so much that i wanted to ask him to be my boyfriend again, but i didnt. I cant. I told Nicolas about Marc. He accepted it. His classmate was Marc's neighbor and he consequently had news. Nicolas was 16 back then and Marc was 20. And i was 15.

Days passed and i focused on Marc and Jonathan. i was with Marc often because of the distance. He lived 2 towns away but he had a motorcycle. Jonathan was a different story. He was like somebody i love but im trying to forget. i had to, i have a boyfriend. 2 to be exact. The time went on and i cant avoid to fall in love. He was becoming more of whom i wanted. And i cant wait to see him again. I made up my mind to break up with Nicolas. And i did, March 27. So i was left with Marc now.

Jonathan went back and i was the happiest person alive. i saw him for the first time and i was sure i was falling. He made the following days even brighter for me but i cant help but think i was playing the other one, Marc. So i broke up with him too, April 4, when we had our graduation exercises. Closing for me of course. So now, im single and ready to accept Jonathan if he decides to ask me again.

Days had been tough though, he was starting to know the truth about me but mostly just generalizations he though and they were all wrong. Damn, it took me tears and wounds just to prove to him he was the only one i cared about. Although the start was different.

But then problems became even worse. I got involved with Je-jireh. Now he became my boyfriend too. But this was out of my league. He courted me and  i never liked him. Not at all. I even thought he was gay. Damn, it was hard for me to think of it when i know i love somebody else. I wanted to break up with him but i cant. I had to wait till the elections of the officers was done. He had to get in for his studies and only by being with me, he would be popular enough to be voted.Someone i cant name told me that. And i felt obligated, so i did it. I know i was taking a risk. What if Jonathan knew? But i cant turn back now.

Jonathan was in Cebu that time. He was gone for reasons he wouldn't tell me. I always waited though. Je-jireh and i never had anything in common but public service. I was with him through a couple of tours handing out letters and invitations and communications. But i never wanted him. He introduced himself to my mom  without me. It made me hate him more. Through the time we were together, that was almost 2 months, i spent the lst weeks telling him what i really feel. How sad i was that i cant love him because i love somebody else. Of course, he knew about Jonathan. I cant help but cry when i saw him crying and hurt in front of me. i broke up with je-jireh august 28. Our 3rd day practice for cheerdance this september 12 and also a day after the elections in Lazi.It took him months to recover after the break up. He kept on asking me if we still could be together but i said no. Always did.I tried to avoid him after that.

After that, Jonathan came back and we were together again. But it never went out of my mind the things that happened behind his back. I know i can hurt him, but i have reasons. I guess i will suffer the consequences. I just hope he could accept me after i tell him this. Still im sad, because when everything has to be told, i know. I will be hurt the most. At least, im sure in myself that Jonathan is still the one i love. The first man i loved. And if i cant explain why when he asks me, then maybe i just have to wait for his decision if he's going to take me or leave me. But w/out him, i know i would be lost.

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