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The One I Love Doesn't Love Me

12 January, 2009

Let us call her Jane, and we'll call me John. I've known Jane since she was too young to walk. She has an older brother who happens to be my best friend, and what a friend, the only one I could trust. We are not related to each other, but our families are closer than brothers and sisters, so growing up, I was always around Jane. Being the only girl out of 4 siblings, Jane was somewhat lonely at times. I guess I was born with a soft side to my heart, so when I noticed she was alone, I would go and play with her when we were younger. I remember her older brother who is now my best friend would make fun of me for playing with dolls with his little sister, he didn't care for my compassion.



As we got a little older, somewhere around middle school, Jane confronted me about her love for me. She told me that she had strong feelings for me since we were kids because I would spend time with her when everyone else would leave her. This sudden confession made me realize something, I too loved her dearly, more than I ever thought. I had in the past felt this way, when one day she ran home crying because a boy had thrown a rock at her on the street. I remember I was so furious, more so than her brothers, that I ran out and beat the boy to a pulp. Back then i somewhat felt that I cared for her, but not until her confession did I realize my love for her.



Her confession made many feelings run through my head. I knew I loved her and cared about her, but her brother was my best friend! What was I to do?! not to mention, we were really young at the time. I honestly didn't know what she expected of me. I could not get over the fact that if I was to engage in a relationship with Jane, my best friend would never forgive me. He also happened to be a football player and much bigger than me so I somewhat feared for my safety if he was to find out about any of the talks between his sister and I. So without thinking about what I was driving away, i told Jane "you're brother is like a brother to me, and you're his little sister, and that's where it ends". It hurt me to say that, but I thought it to be appropriate at the time, it's a stupid quote from the movie "Scarface", maybe I should have never watched it.



She surprisingly took it well, saying that she knew that her brother couldn't find out. After that she started to take to me more and more. She would message me on my instant messenger all day telling me about her dreams of me and everything else in between. You would think I would have gotten tired of these messages, but I found myself concentrated at the screen just thinking of her beautiful eyes and the way she would put a smile on my face just by being near me. I'm a guy who does not like being woken up in the mornings, but sometimes she would send a message to my phone to wake me up, and there would be nothing but a smile on my face. Our friendship became stronger as time passed and we grew. I noticed that at family get togethers she would take care of me by making sure I had sufficient food and comfort. She would compliment everything I did and make me feel good about myself. I could see that I was all she was thinking about when we were together. I wish I had told her that she was all I was thinking about too, all I could see because everything else and everyone else around her was nothing but air and clouds, she was my angel sitting in them.



As time passed, I started to notice that the messages were decreasing. The way she would look at me had changed a bit, just enough for me to notice. I started to realize that she had outgrown her love for me. She was in high school by now and had started meeting other people, I guess she lost her attraction for me. To this day I don't know why... Our friendship had gotten to a point where she never discussed how she had had feelings for me. It was like the subject was all of a sudden forbidden. She acted like the whole thing never happened.

This was around the time when myspace became big. We all had profiles and everyone had a list of 8 to 10 top friends. It made me miserable to find out that on Jane's profile, I was no where to be seen on her top friends. So one day I gathered up all my courage and decided to ask her on the messenger, I asked "Do you still have feelings for me?", knowing the answer before she said it. She responded bluntly with "no sorry". Then after a few moments of catching my breath I asked why and she responded bluntly again with "I don't know", then she left. And that was the end of that. The subject was not brought up by neither of us for a long time. I could not believe it, not only did she not love me anymore, but she didn't even like me. After all those years of friendship, she was closer to me than my own sister and here I was out casted from her life, for nothing. I absolutely did not do anything to cause this. My life was turning upside down. My whole world came crashing down with the thought of her having feelings for someone else. Just writing this down aches my heart.



I found myself suddenly playing slow and sad songs on my guitar. Sometimes I didn't notice that I would sit there for hours with my guitar in my hand, without playing one note, just sitting there staring into blank space, and occasionally wiping the tears from my face. How could this be me? I would ask my self. I was an athlete, a wrestler, a football player, a lacrosse and soccer player, I was a tough guy. But she broke me, like no one else ever could.



I had another best friend besides her brother. I put some trust in him for some time. Little did I know it would come back to bite me in the ass. Apparently he had feeling for Jane as well. His sisters were best friends with Jane, and he was a friend of mine whom I discussed the situation with. So him and his sisters both knew about the situation with Jane and I.  I never knew he had feelings for Jane, until I discover I had fallen in his trap. He had schemed to anger me by making me believe that he had engaged in a kiss with Jane. This never happened, but he made me think it. while angered, questions from Jane's brother arose about my anger. I told him it was nothing so as to not reveal my love for his sister. Little did I know, my other friend had gone and told Jane's brother that I liked his sister and was stalking her, and that I was a danger, therefore he should not let me in his house anymore. Let's call the schemer Bob. Bob had convinced Jane's brother that I was only friends with him to get to his sister. Bob's parents got involved, and they had gone to Jane's parents to confront them with this supposed problem. Jane's mother contacted me with Jane explaining what had happened. Jane had confessed to her mother that I had done nothing wrong, and that Bob's story was nothing but false. So Jane's mother was on my side, trusting me to be the good boy she knew I was. Long story short, Bob's family was confronted by both our families, I came out on top. Here's the important part of all this. I confessed my love for Jane to her mother. Which is a very important step for me. And the best part is, her mother loves me. I'm an intellectual who has a lot of potential in life, am respectful, and am respected and seen highly of by my community. What mother would not want me for their daughter? Not to be full of myself. But that's exactly how Jane's mother thinks of me. Anyways, she reacted fairly well to what happened.



Jane and I became close again. Not like before. We're just friends now, and her brother is more of a friend to me than ever even after what happened. He saw that there was honesty in me and that if I was attracted to his sister, it was true love. Which seems to be something he can accept. I can see that Jane has some maturing to do, mentally. She's stuck in the high school mentality of cute boys and friday night lights. I'm a sophomore in College, she's a senior in high school. I try to be around her as much as possible, just as a friend. I do have a girl friend, and Jane knows this.What Jane doesn't know is that I can't stop thinking about her. This has become the story of my life. Jane is my girl and I cannot see my life any other way. If I could, I would go up to her home right now and ask for her hand in marriage, I cannot picture my self with anyone else. I can get whatever girl I want right now, but Jane is all I want. She's all I've ever wanted. Maybe I made a mistake not ever telling her just truly how much I want to spend my life with her.



What I fear most is rejection, I still think that Jane has lost all attraction for me. That's why I'm not opening up to her. We're such close friends, if I was to be rejected by her, not only would we lose our friendship, but I would lose my best friend, her brother. Our families who have been friends for decades will no longer be friends. It won't turn out well like that. I do not want to lose her. I do not...I love her so much that it's 4 am and I'm sitting here writing a story about her because I can't fall asleep with the thought of her not being mine. A few people who know my story keep telling me to wait for her to grow up, and maybe she'll come around and have feelings for me again. And if she doesn't? Well this is not a movie, I won't kill myself, but I'll have to spend my life knowing that the girl I love is with someone else, that the only thing I ever really wanted out of life I didn't get, that my life would be a living hell, because the only heaven for me is with Jane..



"She's the reason for the tear drops on my guitar"



~AM



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