02 January, 2009
His last name is Hand.
When I first met him, I scoffed at his name and the way he'd stared at me, as if I were an exotic bird. But then, I learned his character. And thus, I grew to long for the inflections of his voice, his smile. I grew to love his smell, touch & taste in music. And most of all, I grew enamored of his hands. And now, he doesn't want to "want me". How ironic, on so many levels.
Nearly 3 yrs ago, we met as strangers, attending a Martial Arts Class. I remember walking up the field on the first day and making eye contact with him. He was absurdly naive looking and young. And he stared so intently, I was actually insulted, and gave him my "piss off" look and still he stared, so I pointedly walked away. After this introduction, I forgot him. Nice and tidy. Or so I thought. A week later, during a "test", which was a short but rapid hike, I realized who he was.
My hands are small and they could not keep a steady grip on the 2 20 pound loads, that we were required to carry. He saw this and quietly insisted on carrying the weight. Not only for myself but for the entire group. And as the load was traded, his hand touched mine. Electricity. The humanity in his eyes was beautiful and his large & elegant hands carried the weight, well. I think, that's when i started to fall for him, I was becoming undone.
We started to hang out as friends and he initiated a romantic attempts, which I sabotaged because, I was a purposely blind & leery. Eventually, after an emotional flair-up, which went mutually unacknowledged. We drifted apart like icebergs. Burning flames buried in the cold. And now, there's only polite greetings. In public, we are like ghosts floating past one another. I can understand their obsession. Desire haunts.
I regret it. I denied him because I denied myself. Because at that point, in my life, I was a veritable mess. I wish I had communicated and loved him with more intention and kindness. Do we get second chances? Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
Hand, I'll always know you. And your memory will stay with me, long after I cease to see your ghost. I wish you happiness and peace of mind. Maybe in the next life, we'll belong to one another. But I'm grateful, I had the opportunity to brush past you, during this one. Love, Huh.