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Torn between reason and feelings...

11 December, 2008

I've known him for several years now.  We went to college together, and now we are in grad school together in a new town, and I can't stop thinking that this is Not a coincidence.  When I finally grew the guts to talk to him Then, three years ago, and walked into the break room with some silly question and a smile ready for him I saw him with another girl... (btw I never liked her!  I was only thinking: why HER!!?? anyway)  They got married a few months later, and I made myself forget him, I knew that it is not right to break up happy families, happy couples in love, no matter what.  At that point I had somebody.  My senior year I met my future husband.

So a year later here we are in grad school!! I was so surprised, but happy to have someone I knew close by.  He seemed to be dedicated as ever to his marriage, and I was a happy newlywed too, and the times were nice and bright and happy... until...

My husband had to go to Iraq for a year.  I fell into Horrible depression - I had never felt sooo bad in my life!  ever!  I even diminished my goals in school and switched programs, just to make sure I do graduate, even if it is a weaker degree than originally planned for... I had suicidal thoughts, I gained weight, I became insecure and worthless.  I did not have many people around, because I was in a new town.  The sad thing was that my husband did not call much or send me messages or letters.  I wanted to share what was happening in my mind and in my heart with him,  but I never felt like he was near.  I was alone.

So I left town for the summer to be with my family, and I finally got better - happier, prettier, hopeful, independent, friendly, and attractive! :)  I did not need my husband anymore - I learned to be without him, and I do not want to let myself become so dependent on someones love Ever again!  The new school year was going to be excellent!

And that's when I became friends with my long forgotten crush! :) Turned out he divorced his wife - they had problems, as he said.  He was very sad about that, but it seemed like it was liberating and important to him. 

We became just that - friends.  We spent time together with mutual friends goofin' off, talking, joking around.  I loved those times!  I tried really hard to make every opportunity to be with my new friends.  I made many other new friends too, became active in different organizations, had so many hobbies that I barely had time for everything! I was so happy!  And as time got closer and closer to my husband coming back I felt exhilarated - my Love  was so close to being with me again, my happiness, my new family... 

But when he came back I realized I did not want him near.  He did not fit into my new life.  He wanted me for himself, it felt like.  He wanted me to spend days with his family, with him, doing things he likes, and for the first time I felt like I did not want to do those things!  I was a new person, and I did not want to change - I enjoyed the new me very much.  I realized that me and my husband did not have much in common at all - I did not like his jokes or conversation anymore, I did not want to watch his favorite shows or play his favorite games, and he did not seem to approve of much of what I thought was fun to do.  It was so strange to see just how clouded our perceptions of each other had been in the past.

I don't know when I realized I was in love, IN LOVE with my friend, but it was a very strange feeling - so forbidden, so inappropriate, but so peaceful.  I started counseling trying to figure out what was going on in my mind, why, and what to do.  I started to cheat on my husband - I started to have an affair, and I loved it.  I still am.  I have heard many people say that leaving a marriage for "a new love" is a very bad idea.  I do not quite understand why, but I do realize the key concepts to this rule... I want to say that He is not why I want to leave so much, but I am afraid He is.  This is not fair to Him, to my husband, but - you know what? - it is not fair to me either! I never thought this whole affair would hurt Me of us three more than anyone. I am tormented every day about what to do.  It may seem simple: if you love each other, then leave! But there are complicating factors: He is almost done with his graduate program and is leaving, He knows I am married. He is ready to move on.  He is looking for a big and fun job, for happiness.  I have just extended my program for another 3 years or so, so I am staying.  I am scared of regretting breaking up my marriage, but I Love him!  He does not know, at least I have not told him.  I do not know if he feels this about me either - I think if he did he would not tell me because I am married.

Please, forgive us.  We tried to resist our temptations, but we failed and fell into the blissful abyss of out affections...  I am hoping to see him tomorrow, cause my husband will be out of town.  I am a pig, but I do not care anymore - I feel happy when I am with Him...

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