Lonely nights 4 ever more
22 July, 2001
I was 15 years old when I met my love, we'll call him Jo. I was young and wild, he hung out with a group that I partied with, one night he called me really late and we just talked, he asked me out and I said "yeah", I thought he was really cute and he was always nice to me but I never thought his feelings towards me were anything more than friendship, turns out I was wrong, at the time he was going out with my friend off and on, he came and picked me up in his Montecarlo the next day and we cruised around and smoked weed and drank a couple beers, we went up to stoners hill ( a chill spot ) and sat on the cliff and watched the stars, we talked about our fucked up lives and realized we had a lot in common, we both loved to party, we were both middle children, we didn't really have true friends that we could trust and we never had any real feelings toward past boyfriends and girlfriends, then after we talked he kissed me so softly and he held me in his arms and put his face into my neck and we just held each other like that, it seemed like time stood still then he said " I cant explain this but I never want to let you go, your everything I've ever looked for," and I felt the same way there was a feeling of contentment and it felt like I was finally...complete, I told him I felt the same way then we ended it there, he took me home for the night and he called me the next day and asked if I wanted to try out a relationship with him, I said "hell yeah" so he called my friend and told her it was over, she acted like it really hurt her but I know she didn't really give a shit 'cos she always played him and she told me he didn't mean nothing to her, she tried to call me up and start talking shit I just bitched her out and told her to fuck off.
Jo and me became really close, he took me to the movies, down to the river, cruising, it didn't matter what we did because just being with him was enough, one night we went to this party and I was smoking a joint with one of my friends in the backyard, we were sitting up in a tree, then Jo and all his boys came out to the back porch I heard one of his friends say, " man you've really changed, you never come with us to check out the parties anymore, and your getting all serious with your bitch, you haven't even played her even though you've had chances... is she a good piece of ass or what " then my love pushed him and told him to shut the fuck up and that our relationship wasn't even like that" but his friend just kept it up and kept saying " c'mon she's a good fuck in it? " finally Jo beat him up, I knew right then that Jo really did care for me, we had already told each other we loved each other but we never had sex yet, that night I told him I was ready he kept asking me" are you sure my girl" I was like "yeah" and I waw.
We made love for the first time, he was so soft and gentle with me then the next day my mom told me she was sending me to treatment 'cos I was raisin to much hell, I told her I would settle down but she didn't believe me, I had 4 more days till I got sent away, I stayed with Jo at his house, we must have had sex 400 times, it felt so right with him I didn't feel dirty or ashamed, we were in love.
I went to treatment for 3 months and my mom lied to the treatment centre and told my counsellor that Jo was my brother we sent each other a letter every other day, I missed him so much, I was dying a little more each day, the nights were so lonely. Then I realized I was pregnant, my mom went crazy, she got me signed up for an all girls home in Idaho for me to go have my baby, she told Jo I didn't want to be with him anymore and she said I was living with relatives out of state, I hated her for lying to my babies father and my one and only true love, I started to plan on running away, I was 6 months pregnant and it showed but I didn't care I had to get to my Jo I was dying without him I was so depressed, I tried to sneak and call him but I always got caught.
Then the phone call that changed my life came, it was my mom she called to tell me that Jo killed himself, he blew his face off and his suicide letter said that he couldn't go on without his Leslie. (that was me) he talked about how I broke his heart and he could no longer go on without me by his side, I don't remember what happened but the next thing I knew I was packing my things and being discharged to my mom I felt an emptiness inside of me that was unbearable, my world was over, I cried and cried and cried, I couldn't talk, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, at night I would lay in bed and scream his name, then I had a nervous breakdown I almost lost my baby I went into labour when I was 8 and a half months pregnant I couldn't even look at my baby without breaking down and crying over her dad, I named her Destiny Rose, her last name was Gandaros after her dad I knew he would be proud, I still wouldn't speak to my mom,then I realized my baby needed her mommy and I knew Jo would want me to get on with my life, but it was so hard and it is still so hard I cry every night and I still wake up screaming his name every single night, I will never get over my love, he will be in my heart 4-ever, I love my baby more than life itself, we do everything together, she is my life, I live for her, I know her dad is with us and I know he's proud of her, I cant wait till she grows up so I can tell her about her dad, I miss him so much but I have to go on for the sake of my little lovely Destiny, she looks so much like her dad it breaks my heart, now instead of "me" its "us" she goes with me every where I go she is my best friend I don't need anyone else, I need Jo but I know I can't ever feel his body against mine or hear his words of love until my death, everyday i'm getting closer to being with my love but until then I will dedicate my whole life, my whole world to our little angel.