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Maybe one day ill be ok

02 December, 2008

this is my story about how i found, met and lost the love of my life.


okay well i met josh almost wow i think its 7 years ago. we didn't start "going out" till a year later. well this isn't about josh, its about frankie, ill get to that in 1 minute. josh and i at the time i met frankie had been together for about 4 and a half years. we had been through a lot together, i didn't love him anymore and now that i look back i wonder if i ever truly loved him or if i just cant remember how it felt. he was my first "love" i let him take my virginity. i thought i loved him. i think i did just in a different way. over the years we were together he had developed a really bad drug problem. i only stayed cause he would threaten to kill himself or hurt me if i left. i was just scared to leave really. at that point i wanted out and had been thinking about it for a while.


then i met frankie, i met him online. i always thought how could people meet on the internet, i thought it was weird. i never thought in a million years i would meet someone that way. we would talk everyday at first just as friends, then one day he asked if i liked him more then a friend. i didnt know what to say...i did like him more then a friend..i just didnt say anything.  i dont know maybe a few more days went by and he said it again and that he wanted to be with me. he lived far far away from where i did, i thought this is crazy i cant do this... but every part of me wanted to. he wanted to me to call him and see how it went from there. i think it took me a few days to get the courage to call and he would ask why i havnt yet.  so one day when josh was passed out in the middle of the day from being up all night i left the house and called frankie. i was so nervous i could tell in my own voice, it was shaky. we didnt talk that long maybe 20 minutes or so but i loved how he made me feel. i knew if i kept this going with him, i would fall for him, well i think at that point i already did or else i would have never called him.


so some months had gone by and i would still talk to frankie on the internet everyday, and we would occasionally talk on the phone when i could sneak away. he would ask me to leave josh everyday, asking me to come be with him, he would tell me he loved me all the time. he would get so frustrated with me that i wouldnt leave. he knew all about me and josh and how things were between us. i promised frankie i would leave when the lease was up for my apartment i really couldnt leave before that, i had responsibilities that i had to take care of and frankie was great about it and understood my situation.


as promised i left josh and went home to live with my mom. first day i left i told frankie, he was so excited and asked me to call him, i couldnt i felt bad, not even broke up with josh for a day and i was already calling someone else. ok so maybe a few more months passed and frankie wanted to meet of course, i did want to meet him but i was scared for some reason, reasons i still do not know why. frankie gave up on me and "broke up" with me. he said i didnt know what i wanted and he couldnt let himself stand by loving me and me not wanting the same thing. i did want him i was just scared


two months went by and we didnt speak. then one day out of the blue, he tells me he misses me and he still loves. i started crying i was so happy he came back to me. so shortly after that i made a decision to go and meet him. i was so excited and scared and nervous. but i did it, i got on a plane and went to him. when we first met i was so nervous i was shaking, he hugged me and we just kinda stood there i could tell he was nervous too. was really cute actually, ill never forget that feeling as long as i live, was best feeling ever to finally meet someone who you love.


i was there for one week, best week of my life. i met his whole family, they were so nice to me. and yes we made love everyday, twice a day. well then i had to go home, on the plane ride home i cried i was so sad. he asked me to stay, and now i ask my self everyday why i didn't. we still talked everyday and i told him i would move there soon i was just having some family issues that i had to make sure everyone was okay before i left. some time went by and i could tell something was changing we didnt talk like we used to and i asked why it was like that and he said that he cant wait any longer he wanted a family and kids and he didnt think i was serious about us. i tried to change his mind about it but i guess he made that decision for a reason. few days later i had a feeling he met someone else and he did. i was so heartbroken, how could he do this to me? i left josh and changed my life because of him, i loved him.


i was literally sick because if this. i didnt know what to do. the hurt feelings i had totally consumed me. strangely josh calls me and i made the worst decision of my life and went back to him i wanted to forget frankie and make things go back to the way they were before i met him. one month later frankie tells me he misses me and he is sorry and he loves me. i told him i went back to josh and he got so mad at me. he asked how could i do that and have sex with someone else i said so did he and he says he never slept with whoever the girl he met was. i then told him i would leave josh and come live with him. he said he cant forgive me and to forget about him. and thats where the story ends. i am now living with josh again praying for frankie to come back to me. i dont love josh like i may ever have before im just kinda going through the motions trying to get through each day. i still love frankie with all of my heart and would do anything to have him forgive me.

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