29 November, 2008
I've been in love with a close friend for going on three years now. We met in university and at first all I thought was that he was this weird eccentric guy who lived in our dorms. Plenty more of those around!
But gradually we spent more time together and I developed a small crush on him, although I was also crushing BIG time on someone else in our dorms. So we have my eccentric guy crush, 'A' and normally crush, 'B'. A followed and supported me through my other crush - which always had its interesting points e.g. A forcing me to talk to B after drinking half of the student bar dry = disaster and crazy looks! - whilst my affection towards A increasingly grew; unknown to me. Finally, I decided to give up on B as I found out he actually had a girlfriend - water I did not want to tread. On that day A said a passing comment directed more at himself than to me: "I wish someone would like me just even half as much as you liked B..."
It was in this instant that I realised my true unfaltering feelings for A, and that I had been using B as a distraction to my true desires. In all honesty, I never thought I would be good enough for A, so I never dwelled much on it.
So months passed and we became better friends. He was my best friend away from home and we talked about everything. But my feelings were growing stronger and stronger, and I knew I had to do something. Either I could end the friendship, or tell A that I was slowly falling in love with him. I decided to tell him, BUT in a way would suit us both.
So when we went out with some friends, a game called 'What would you do?' (where you're given a scenario and you say how you'd react) started. I waited until the game was in full motion and I had positioned our seats so if I wanted to quietly talk to him, no one else would hear me. When I felt confident, I whispered: "A, what do you think we'd be like if we were going out? Do you think we'd make a good couple?"
The response he gave me ripped out my heart. "No, never! I'd rather kill myself than end up with someone like you." Now, he WAS joking, though A did say it loud enough so that my private question turned into a very much public one. I was so embarrassed, but laughed along with the rest praying it WAS simply a joke. Then when it had died down he turned to me and said "I just really don't see myself with you," and carried on playing the game.
I think something inside of me died that day, something I can never recover.
As far as A was concerned, it was only a game, so our friendships went from strength to strength. When it's all become too much we are each otherís shoulders, when times are good, we are each otherís joy. We talk, laugh, cry, deliberate together, we sleep in each otherís beds if weíre scared of bad dreams, we pay bills together (yes, I do live with him Ė rookie mistake #1).
And I still love him.
Any sane person would think that after what he said to me that fateful day would send me the message loud and clear, but no. My heart does things my brain canít control. And itís killing me. I donít eat, sleep, breath properly without him around. I feel so empty. And Iím extremely frustrated with myself because I know Iím being so stupid, I know Iím only hurting myself. But I canít stop, because I donít know how to stop loving him, and part of me thinks that even if I did, I wouldnít want to stop.
A is like a drug. No, I am not the only one like this; itís not just me being stupidly obsessed. I know of at least four other girls loving him and A being either oblivious to them, or simply just doesnít want to know. I suppose I can put myself as above those other girls because at least I can consider A as a friend.
And thatís probably all Iím going to get out of this relationship. My unrequited love shall go on, unheard of, and Iím just going to have to deal with it; one way or another.