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He's my first...

06 November, 2008

So...

I'm a girl. I'm a Freshman in High School... and this is my heartache story... :(



This all started over 3 years ago. I was beginning 7th grade. I had this little crush on this one guy named Terry whom I'd known for a while. But then again, who didn't? He was beautiful. And he was infatuated with the one girl who didn't love him. But he's not the main part of this story, believe it or not...



One day, my best friend Brittany and I were sitting after school in an art club meeting. Terry was there. We were all talking casually. And then, at that exact moment, I watched as the one man whom has now stolen my heart walked through the door, interrupting my gaze on Terry.



For some reason, he was wearing a suit. Complete with a top hat and white gloves. His hair, short and blonde, contrasted greatly with Terry's black, medium length black hair. He was pale and quite mature-looking. His ears were pierced and gaged. He ran into the room randomly and put his hands on Terry's shoulders, yelling:



"TERRY! THE MATRIX NEEDS US!"



He ran off after that, only to come back a few minutes later. He then sat down next to me and explained to Terry, Brittany and I that he was dressed that way for a project that was being conducted in the cafeteria. He and Terry were beginning 8th grade. They were so... grown-up to me at the time.



The first thing he ever said to me, as I remember, was, as I was commenting on one of my favorite characters from one of my favorite video games (Vincent Valentine from Final Fantasy 7) and he commented back.



"Nooo.. Not VINCENT! Vinnie!" He said, gazing into my eyes.



The evening went by, and not another thought crossed my mind about this dear, sweet human until about a month later.



He walked into the Drama Club meeting after school. Clad in dark clothes, fit for a vampire. I then learned his name. Jeremy. Jeremy Zane Heck. A very beautiful name. He was trying out for a part. I had already gotten the leading lady's part. One of my close friends got the leading male part. Terry had gotten the part of the town mayor. And Brittany had gotten the part of his daughter. (The play is The Music Man, for curious readers. I played Marian Paroo. My friend Blaine played Harold Hill, my friend Terry played Mayor Shinn. My friend Brittany played Zaneeta Shinn. My friend Nathan played Marcellus. And a few more people got more parts.) And Jeremy was finally cast to play a certain Charlie Cowell, anvil salesman.



This didn't bother me until I found out, a few minutes later, that, apart from a kissing scene with Blaine, I had a kissing scene with JEREMY, too!



Oh no...



But, it got worse. He started dating Brittany. She would feel sad every single time Jeremy and I had to kiss on stage, in front of the school. Without her permission. It saddened me aswell.



Sometime over the Summer, though... He and Brittany split. I'm not sure of the whole story, but apparently it wasn't a good one.



Then, his appearance started changing.



The next time I saw Jeremy was a few month's later, in September. His hair had grown out, darkened into a brilliant shade of orange. His skin was becoming freckled with faint, painted orange dots. His bright blue eyes were as gorgeous as ever. He had grown. and then, I found out, he was dating my other close friend, Kelsie.



Yes, yes. They got along fine. Sure, sure. Until he made it up that he was gay to split with her so he could try to be with Brittany again.



Brittany hated him. O.o So they didn't work out. And then he didn't have anywhere to turn.



At this point, it's almost two years later. Kelsie's now a proud lesbian, Brittany doesn't care. Jeremy's suicidal because of problems at home and with his relationships. And then, heaven only knows how or why, we started talking again.



Thank God for MySpace.



He would talk to me late at night. Now being the time I was late in my 8th grade year. He was late in his Freshman year. It was around March or so. He would tell me things that, though I tried to deny it, would be the sweetest things any human had ever said to me. He would openly tell me he loved me. Denying it, I would consider it him joking around and say I loved him, too. I denied anyone who told me he loved me. That is, until that faithful night, In May.



We had been seeing each other more fully by then. There were events at the Middle School, such as another play Brittany and I were in (I was the lead) in which he, Nathan, and Terry came to watch. So along with talking with him online, he would follow me around and hug on me and tell me sweet things in public, too.



Then, he asked me on a date about a week after Summer started. We went to the movies, and ate some ice-cream. It was blissful. I still denied any feelings he had towards me. We had a fun day and he called me later on in the day, asking me if I'd had fun. I, of course, said yes. He asked me if I'd want to do it again sometime. I, of course, said yes.



So, one night, he messaged me.



He asked for advice about a girl.



I told him, with straight honesty, I'd have to know who it was before I gave him any advice.

There was a LONG SILENCE...

Then, he finally replied, saying it was me... and that he'd loved me for a long time and was wanting to know how I'd react.



I told him I honestly liked him a bit too.



We didn't talk for two days.



I went to Nathan's house to watch some old videos from my 8th grade graduation (in which he and Jeremy had attened) and other stuff from the Summer so far. I decided to call Jeremy. We talked, the three of us, for a few minutes, and then I had to leave.



A day later, I gathered the courage to ask him to be my boyfriend. Mostly because I knew he was afraid of some type of rejection and I wanted to make it as easy on him as possible. I got online, He was on.



He immediatly messaged me. Saying Hi. I then, after a few messages, asked if I could be his girlfriend. He said of course. He also said that he was just about to ask me, but, to my suspicion, was afraid. I giggled a bit at that and went to sleep happily as he wrote me notes, wishing me sweet dreams and love.



We didn't talk for most of the Summer. I was too busy getting closer to Terry and Nathan, who had both changed a lot. Terry's black hair had grown and he had then become one of my closest friends. Nathan had grown and become another close friend. Plus, I was in another play. I was in Sweeney Todd, playing the role of Tobias. The only two people who came to see me in the play besides my family were Terry and Nathan. No one else.

Plus, Jeremy was having more family and depression issues. And I didn't wish to intrude.



But, as my Freshman year (this year) and HIS Sophmore year started back up again, we got a lot closer. We started going places together, being alone. We talked a lot. We shared a lot. We started getting a lot closer. At some point, I really understood: I loved him.



He asked me to marry him and run away with him. Three times.



I said yes all three times.



We talked constantly. I couldn't bare to go home at the end of the day, because I knew I'd have to wait until the next day at school to hold him. Unless I could stop that pain somehow.



We loved each other. 'Nuff said.



There's no way to describe my love for him. I still want to spend the rest of my life with him. He gave me his vest and told me to never give it back. He said to me constantly that I was the only thing keeping him alive. That I was his world. That he loved me. I would retort with the same thing. And then, sometimes errily, we'd recite:



"Forever and Always"



As a toast to our love.



We started getting a little sexual. We weren't ready to lose our virginity just yet, but we got close enough a few times.



I gave him a total of about four blowjobs. He fingered me at least five times.



We told each other we'd lose ourselves to each other. We promised that.



But, at some point here, after 7 months of a strong, healthy, loving relationship, his depression got worse.

He lost love. He lost faith in life. He didn't want to live any longer. Not even for me.



He told me that a week and a half ago.



We stayed together.



Until yesterday.



He told me he'd had enough. He said he was going to try to get his head on straight, that he loved me, thanks for caring, and said he'd come back to me.



Today at school, he came in at lunch. We didn't even look at each other. I've spent my last week crying over him. Worrying about him. Screaming over him. Dying over him.



Nathan and Terry. My two best friends. They've kept me, through these days of pain and hatred, from killing myself. From harming myself any more than I have.



Nathan said today, Jeremy cried on him over me.



Terry, all he did was sit there, hold me, and let me cry on him.



A new acquaintance, my friend Steven, told Jeremy off today. I came around the corner and watched it unfold, crying into the chests of anyone who would hold me.



And then, as Jeremy refused to look at me when Steven pointed me out, I remembered a picture I'd drawn for him two days ago. Of us. I reached out a shaking hand, much to the disbelief of everyone around, and poked Jeremy on the shoulder. He slowly turned towards me. I handed him the note, whispering, almost incoherently:



"This is from Tuesday.."



And then, I turned and cried into another person who would be willing to hold me. Jeremy took it, very hesitantly as he read the words YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING printed on the back of the note.



He stared at me. I refused to look at him. When I did, he was staring at me with those eyes. Eyes of guilt and pain. I was screaming in the hallway, wanting so badly to reach out and touch him. To cry into him. To tell him I couldn't live without him.



Why I didn't? I have no idea.



But... tomorrow's always another day...

He might come back... I don't know...





I can only pray...



I need him...

He's everything to me. :(

I need to feel his lips against mine.

I need to know I can ease his pain.

I need to teach him what its like to be like me right now.

I need to talk to him.

I need to hold him.

I can only hope he'll be at school tomorrow. So I can gather the courage to do that.

So I can breathe the scent from his vest in and gather the strength to not cry as I apologize. As I beg for him to come back into my life. Now.



I need him.



I love him.



I'm holding out for him.



Jeremy Zane Heck is my everything!!!!

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