A letter i will never send
08 May, 2008
this was a letter i never dared to send:
DearestXXX, Wow, a year has passed so quickly, in a blink of an eye. That means thatwe will part. But, I can’t and won’t turn away without telling you my truefeelings. I have fallen in love with you. I don’t care how much you hate me; Ijust need to tell you, to express my undying love for you.
Whenever I see you, my heart singsof joy and moans of pain. I was and always will be happy to see you. But,sadly, you were not mine to keep and value. Your heart belongs to Wen Shi. Iacknowledge that miserable but true fact. After all this is reality, not ahopeful dream that I will win in the end. I am not Cinderella, she is. But thistime this Cinderella has won more than a Prince Charming. She has won a personwho really loves her with all his heart and is willing to sacrifice everythingin the world for her. I was jealous of Wen Shi. Although she is mean andsnobby, there is still someone who is willing to love her. But, your love wasplaced right under her nose and she didn’t appreciate it, until she lost it.
But, I always see the silver liningin every dark and depressing circumstance. I remembered the ways we used tochat on the phone for hours until one of our mothers had to nag us a lot oftimes to get us off the phone and the ways you used to ridicule and tease me ineverything I wear, do or eat.
I forgive you for all those times because life is about the future, not aboutthe miseries that passed and left an intellectual scar on my heart. A lot ofpeople say I must be too lonely that I am willing to love a boy like you. Thosepeople see you as a rough and tough boy who loves to create trouble; but I knowyou are sensitive, fun and loving by nature, you are just afraid to show it.
When everyone heard you like WenShi, they asked me to move on to happiness and find a new boy. “No,” I said, “Ilove this boy and loving someone means never giving up! “Nothing can discourageme from waiting your return. I know you loved me. I cried every (almost) nightafter I had a crush on you. But anything people say is not going to make mechange my mind from this important decision: To wait or not to wait.
I was to wait your return andhear the three words I have so craved to hear. These three words were not saidto me often. When said, it was not sincere neither true. But my innocence wascoated with all the lies and dishonesty. So, I thought I was deeply loved andcherished; but I wasn’t.
Till I was older, I knew. No one prized me or treasured me. My love was therebut no one wanted it. I felt so alone and helpless in this big, cold world. Iwas rejected by almost everyone I presented my love to. So, I began to pusheveryone away before I got hurt and emotionally injured again. But then, when Iwas so close to being a permanent emotional wreck, I met you.
So now I write this letter withhumbleness and a torch of love still blazing brightly inside me. I write thisletter with what people say: impossible hopes and crazy dreams. But deep downin my soul, I know it is not impossible. You just need to extend your hand andreceive what I have to offer: love and compassion. I don’t want anything inreturn. After all, love is about giving, not getting.