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. . .Almost. . .

"Love… Makes the world go round…" I got this from the song of the Power Puff Girls. Those words keep me going, for I never got tired of loving and making it as my inspiration. I fell for so many times. Got tired at one point but I got up and continue living. Now, am bound to loss a love that was never mine.  I met a guy last August thru chatting’ on-line, later, we became text mates, then good friends. We first met when I agreed that he would fetch me from work. When I first look at him, he was really far from the pictures I’ve seen. I was having second thoughts of going with him, but I said, ‘Well, it would not hurt me if I’ll go with him.’  The friendship grows and we start talking about our lives. We dine out together, going to places, spending time together outside my place. As time goes by, I learned to like him. He was a nice guy with good attitude BUT he was one of the playboys in town. He got charisma that girls would really notice. I treated him nice and kept my feelings to my self since I know he got a crush on my best friend. Then, I said to my self, it would be impossible for a guy like him to like a girl like me. Am not someone special, am just a foolish girl with a foolish mind and a foolish heart. At most, am childish but am responsible enough to love someone, to take care of someone, to be someone’s girl. But, for the previous relationship, I really thought am not ready for anything else again. So, I enjoyed his company and treated him like my best friend. Then one night, we spent time talking about some things he was confused about --The lost love that he tried to find, the love that he wanted, and the girl of his dreams. He can’t believe that the girl ran away from him… with the coming baby. The girl was pregnant when she left him out of the blue. He tried to be reasonable as he is through his words. I can hear the pain and the suffering that he has gone through. It made me love him more for who and what he is. And I said to my self, I would never trade this guy for anything, I will love him unconditionally and would not leave him behind unless he would find a new love. Though he sees me as a friend, he was more than that to me. Time to go home, it was already 4 am, he needs to go. We said our good byes and he left. I entered my room, changed my dress, washed my face, and brushed my teeth. As I was about to sleep, I received a message from him telling me that he can’t get in to his house. So, I invited him over. I could let him use my bed since my room mate’s bed was empty. I never thought of anything else but a good heart of offering him a place to stay for the mean time. I let him sleep first because I remember of doing something. I totally then forgot that he was in my place as I continue doing something. My heart jumped out when he called me. Am back to reality, I have a visitor. He asked me to lie beside him for he can’t sleep. Thinking about nothing, so I said, “OK, I will”. And there I lay beside him. Looking on the opposite side, made a big sigh, shut my eyes and started dreaming. In the middle of my dreams his voice cut in, begging me to do it with him because he can’t control his self anymore. I tried to stop him but after an hour of saying no, I gave up and let him do what he wanted and played his game. I was so hurt for I have trusted him and made him a good friend but he was such a traitor and lied to me. I cried when he left, for I know I would hate him and probably won’t ever see him again. But I think again. Why did I give in? Was it because I am so in love with him and let him did what he wanted? Is he that irresistible? I don’t know. I never thought of anything else but cursing him while he was busy doing what he wanted. I felt so tired and left alone and so dumb. Guys are nothing but guys. I bid goodbye for I can’t accept the fact that it happened but silly as who I am, I changed my mind and kept our friendship. I was thinking about his past experience and of how hurt he was and how he has lived his life. Even though keeping him as friends would mean giving my self willingly for it has instilled in his minds that making out with me was OK. Call me crazy and that is okay. I know I am. I have never been crazier in my entire life. We remained friends but it already has an added feature. Everybody calls it friends with benefits; he calls it ‘plain friends.’ Every soul who knows what happened scolded me and told me to get a life and to go on living. I should get on with my own self because he was nothing but a jerk and a looser. He already knows that I’m so in love with him but he told me I should not fall for him for he knows he was not worth it. I just laugh and then changed the topic. He acted as if he was more than a friend to me or I was just over reacting for his niceness. I took advantage of him as well. So, we are taking advantage of each other on a different way. We send messages to each other, spending hours on phone talking bout’ nothing. We exchanged things and the do all of the madness that friends would do. I got addicted to this setup and wished that this would not end but reality always remind me that we are just friends. He confirmed it by saying it to my face. And then one time I found something interesting on his Friendster account, a girl who’s madly in love with him and talked as if she owned him. I joked about it. And I really hate the thought that I am jealous for I have no rights to do so. The girl was out abroad for a job, she will be back and she said that they will continue where they left when she’s back home. The pain was indescribable. For she have kept pictures of both of them. How silly of me believing that ‘Me and Him’ was possible. I continued our friendship though it hurts like hell. 7 days before her arrival, we spend quality time together. We talked about the girl casually as if it won’t affect me. He told me that ‘that girl will have hard time dealing with me. She wants to own me and i don't like that’, I said ‘OK’ and laughed about it. A day before she came, we stopped sending messages. I don’t know but usually he’s the first to text me and great me and would ask me what I’m doing, hearing nothing from him was kind of sad but it’s alright. 2 days passed I received a message from him telling me that he can’t come to our place because he has important things to do; I invited him over for a little celebration at our place. A thanks giving for a good year. I left a CD to him for some songs. I reminded him about it and after two days he told me he was not done with it yet because he was somewhere accompanying someone. I said 'OK, it’s alright.' From that day on, I stopped believing that he would come back to me. Waiting for someone like him would be impossible for he is a guy who never ran out of woman. There was always a reserved person. I need to get on with my own life. I am thankful that once in my life I met him – ‘him’ who taught me lot of things. About love, friendship, time, and specially growing Up. For I think maturely though am childish outside when I’m with him. Though it hurts like hell but I have no choice but to move on… Move on to the next boys! Ha-ha! Nope. I’ll just wait. Though waiting may take a while but it is OK. I’ve learned much from my previous relationship and that would be enough to get me going. Like they said ‘Never rush things’, everything got purpose. If he was there to teach those things and would have to move away, I’m glad and I want to say thank you. I am thankful for the time spent and for the friendship.  I was really having second thoughts of believing in happy ending but I changed my mind. In due time, a man would come to my life and would give me that happy ending...

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