Is it love?
I use to be a pessimist when it came to romance, its not because i went through a bitter experience but because I never actually had one. I thought love is merely a motive or tool of human nature that we unconciously (involuntarily) utilize to preserve the speciese, this idea is nothing new it is an idea german philosopher schopenhaur believed. Yes, I am a philosophy major in college, philosophy use to be my thing and I was a pessimist as well. But one day my dad decided to send my to Turkey for a college field trip which I decided to go anyways. At first I didn't want to go a week before the trip to Turkey because all I wanted to do i sleep at home in my own world. But My dad already paid for the ticket so I had no choice but to go.
Now as I went to the airport to prepare for a lift off to turkey with a group of people who were also going I saw this girl from the distant. She was (and still is) beautiful and for the sake of my insecurity I keep her name anonymous. I don't know what came to my mind but I thought she was the most beautiful girl i'd ever seen but in reaction to that thought I decided to assume that she's arragont or egoistic (stuck up). I found out her real name and I decided that I should stay away from her. Why? because I heard rumors about her that she was the "bad girl" or the "naughty one". My friend told me (or warned me) not to fall for this girl, but the funny thing was I already did. It couldn't be helped.. But I only fell for her because I realize that the rumors about her were irrelevant because she's an already different person, in other words she changed.
I kept looking at her, I couldn't stop. I tried to stop. I thought I was crazy for looking at her so I told myself to stop or i'll get myself into an awkward situation. But in the jewelry store i was looking at the jewelries out of curiosity and I felt like someone was standing next to me. I looked at who it was and it was her looking at some of the jewelries. I begin looking at her, and she then started to look at me. Embarrassed I turned my head and walked away.
After the trip to turkey my friend (another firend) called me. We begin to talk and he aksed me if ther ewas anyone in the trip I liked. I told him that there was this girl (you know who) whom I liked and my friend tried to "interrogate" me. He made me admit that I had feelings for her which I initially denied.
From then on my life wasn't the same. I begin thinking about her 24/7. I tried to stop thinking about her because at the time I wasn't really familiar with that feeling i had, and i didn't know what it was called at the time. Is it love? or is it obessions? My friends kept telling me that this feeling i was having is natural, but i couldn't accept that because its too strong for me to consider it as "normal". I was scared of what I felt and it was only recently that i discovered that the only reason why i was scared of this feeling is because it reminded me of a similar situation when i was "in love" with this other girl long time ago. I burried that memory long time ago, probably into my unconcious level. My feelings for the girl now reminded me of the girl in the past, and thats what freaked me out.
But that didn't change anything. There were so many timese when I had the chance to take the opportunity to talk to her and develop a relationship, but at the same time i was simply too scared to get close to her. Rejection, disapointement, shame, a broken heart, and all other emotions are things i want to avoid. I always saw myself as detached and reserved, unwilling to be close to something. It was my deep attraction (or feelings) for her that went into a constant battle with my other personality that wants to avoid clsoe relationship. I wanted to be with her but at the same time I didn't. I was also scared to talk to her because I keep having dreams that when I try to talk to her she simply ignores me, and that really hurts.
What's ironic is she's been to most of the school i've been to and she lives near my neighbor hood, we went to the same middle school and the same highschool, and now the same college. She's a daughter of one of my favorite professors .Its funny how chances may deceptivelly disguise itself as the veil of fate or destiny, but in reality everything is really by cause and effect, action and reaction, motion and interntion, laws of physics.
Right now i'm trying to get over my feelings but its really hard. I think about her so many times that it becomes a habit, and as we all know habbits die pretty hard. I wish I had the courage to tell her how I feel or at least talk to her and slowly develop a relationship I so desire, but that might never happen since its been a long time I talk to her. Is it love? It could have been if i gave it a chance to find out but I guess it'll remain a mystery for the rest of my life.