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Stupid Love

01 January, 2008

bsp;           Sometimes we fall in love not realizing that it will only lead to a tragic end.  We fall and give that person everything that we can but often, that is not valued.  Often we end up just having debts, spending lots and even thousands of money just to make sure that the person we love is happy.  But is that the measure of happiness?  Is that the measure of love?             Where lies the difference between loving and self-giving?  Where lies the distinction between love and giving?  Why do we get hurt whenever we love?  When do I find and end up meeting that person who would love me the same way I would love her, without anything in return?  Without having to spend money or please her or buy her pleasure?             Again, and once again, I am raising all these questions.  Questions that has continuously haunted my thoughts all throughout.  What?  I am 27!  Damn' it! I am not growing any younger.  Before I graduated college, and right after I was sent out of the seminary due to emotional immaturity (which is something too broad that none of the priests could ever explain or tell me in what particular aspect it was), I told myself, if I were to marry, I would marry at this age...27!  Now where are all these plans?  What happened to all of them?             It's all just waste!  A waste of time, waste of effort, of building dreams that never really happened.  Worst, I always end up with nothing...I say nothing!  Here I am again, alone in this journey, no one to be there or be with yet again, to face all that comes—the debts that I would need to pay.  Why?  Because I was stupid enough to spend so much without thinking of the future or of myself or of how I was going to pay for all those debts.  Stupid enough to fall for that trap again for the Nth time in my life.  I liked it better when I was alone, no one to worry about, no person to love but only myself.  I like it better not worrying about not having enough money to receive come payday, or worrying much of where to get other expenses, borrow money from friends and even my parents, etc.  I was better off without anyone to bother and think of, yet I guess I just could not get the reason why I was so stupid enough to fall in love again.             Yes, I was stupid enough to fall in love...STUPID LOVE.  I'm starting to get tired of it.  Tired of being hurt, tired of ending up being fooled, tired of everything that comes with it.  Come to think of it, I think I never have experienced happiness when it comes to love.  I guess the only time I was happy when I met Jennie... that was way back when I was teaching in Letran.  Yet it was not full or let me just say I was not that happy because there were still some problems.  Yah, things that I know, I need not tell but nonetheless, she was the only person who was able to love me without asking for anything in return, she gave me everything that I needed to the extent, when we both realized her tragic past, she needed to let me go because it would be hard for her to change what she has lived to believe in...that for her, everything was normal.  Having no commitments with any guy is normal and having a relationship, a commitment, and even marriage is abnormal.             Maybe you'll ask me why it did not work out...Long story but then not to talk much as it is not the reason why I am writing this... Guess am just making my mind think and guess, this is the only outlet I know that would let me vent out.  Maybe I'm just a fool who is foolish enough to write stuff that seem not to make sense at all.  Guess, am now a senseless person for some of those who would not understand where I am coming from, or what I am saying, or what I have experienced.  I guess its all just opinions.  Opinions that may seem not to make any connection, any sense or just am wondering around, thinking aloud...and curse me if you want but you dare not so because you don't know what I've been through.              I guess there are really times when we fall, times we stumble, and times when we commit mistakes.  But no matter how many times we would fall or make those mistakes, we get hurt, we feel pain, and frustrated.  We get disappointed because things don't work out the way we wanted it to work.  We get disappointed because things don't fall under the plan we created.  The pain, the ups and downs of falling in love and being in love, I guess are just routines...Yes, for me, they are all but just routines because I'm getting sick and tired of it.             I now see them all as complexities of being human, of being a person, of being existential.  These are now but weaknesses of what it is to be existential in our nature, and I guess, these are but weaknesses of each and every person.  One thing, again that I have proved in this particular experience and situation is that love makes us weak.  It makes us weak because it attacks our existential nature, makes us weak as others who experience the same would rather choose to take his or her own life than live living the experience and reminiscing the pain.  I myself at a point in my life tried doing the same and rather just take my very own life than continue to live with the pain.  Recovering from this experience is something that would be hard, especially if the fall has crushed your heart so much that it is like the glass that has been broken into several and numerous pieces.             Life is full of complexities, and as humans, we would need to cope with all these complexities.  The sad thing is, most of the complexities attack us unaware, defenseless, and unprepared.  How complex can things be and how complex can life get?  I guess I need not expound on this.  Most of us has experienced how life has been so complex in a way or two.  We always strive to put our head above water in as much as we can, swim towards the shore amidst the vastness of the sea, and hope that as we continue to swim, we would, by chance be seen by a boat or a ship before we get tired of everything.             I guess am getting tired of swimming and trying  to keep my head above water.  Well, I guess I can only say am really getting tired of the routine I'm getting and experiencing, my very own love story.  Tired of having to go through the same hurt, tired of having my heart crush and break into pieces and pick it all up again to restore it and make it whole.  I am getting tired, and even getting tired of writing about ideas and ideals of love when none seem to be true based on my own experience.

 

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