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He was my angel

15 June, 2002


I fell in love with a man that I could not have. Like a bird he needed to be free and find himself. I let him go, and God only knows if he will fly back to me.


What I never will really know is if he had really had a girlfriend during the time we had been together. Towards the end of our relationship he said he had been with his ex-girlfriend, (but lets not go there now).


When I first laid my eyes upon him it was at night, I was standing beside a little creek to the entrance of my soon to be new apartments. See, he had placed an ad to find a roommate and I had to find a new place because my slum landlord had raised my rent. Let me rewind back a bit to when I first read the ad at my college. I was hesitant to call him at first because I thought having a guy roommate wouldn't be such a wise idea. The location was perfect just a walk away from my college and the place I always wanted to live, but couldn't afford before. On the ad it said call Steve @... Hmm the middle name of my son. Well in that case, I'll call. So back to where I was standing in the dark by the little creek. Two strangers in the night meeting for the first time. What was I doing? Am I crazy? It was strange I somehow felt like it was okay. He called my name, I turned around, and thought, "Wow!" Anyway I put that to the back of my mind looked at the place and we both found out we could live with each other as roommates. What made it easier, was finding out he was majoring in theology and went to a school of theology. He was Catholic like me and he had this aura of peacefulness around him. Time passed, we became good friends, no funny business, we laughed, we went to see a Romeo and Juliet play, we spent New Years eve together, I spent Christmas eve with him at a church,(in his language which I couldn't understand, but found it to be an enlightening experience.) we had spent a lot of our time together. Something that was so miraculous was when we got lost on our way to church on Christmas Eve. Since he had come to California from New York, this church in Los Angeles was our first visit. We got lost and couldn't find a street. There we were just following our instincts, then we found one street from getting lost, how weird that was. We both looked at each other thinking ,"Well, we must have been going the right way." There he was naming the next street to look for and as he read it from his directions on paper, I looked up and found to my amazement the exact street we needed to find. We looked up and realized we were there all along. Make sense? We got lost to find exactly where we needed to be? It was too strange, but somehow miraculous. A coincidence? Or act of God? We both believe it was an act of God. Being with him, I had always felt so close to God. There I was falling in love. I was falling for my roommate!, I couldn't!, I wouldn't!, I tried to keep those feelings hidden or tried to not feel them, but they kept popping up, and I couldn't help but fall in love with him. To me he was the epitome of a man I had always dreamed of. I felt I had found him. He was kind, peaceful, Catholic like me. He was an intellectual, humorous, and handsome.


About six months into living there a horrible accident happened. His dog of 13 yrs. bit my 4 yr. old on the nose. I had to call 911, and was frantic. His loving dog was getting shady and intolerant of my child and had snapped. My son has a tiny scar on his nose that will eventually fade over time, but I knew I had to leave. I had to put my son first, and I would never ask him to part with his dog that he had travelled cross country with. I had to leave, it could have been much worse, my son could have been disfigured. I cried like a baby when we talked about my decision. We both knew it was best. This happened when our friendship was becoming a real friendship. How sad but it was the right decision that had to be made.


One night my roommate was having friends over for dinner and asked me to join them. I politely declined because I was so sad and couldn't bare to spend anymore time with him. Later on after everyone had left, and my son was visiting his fathers, I opened the fridge. To my lucky surprise were to wine bottles from his dinner. I got so drunk that night, so drunk like never before. I was drinking to calm myself, but what happened instead was not the ending of us, but the beginning of a love. I had seduced him when he got home. He refused saying I was drunk, but I assured him and I told him that I was going to kiss him. There I was standing before the man I so much admired, and now desired.


To make a long sad story short, his ex-girlfriend re-entered his life. He had a history with her. He had 4 years vs. my measly 5 or 6 months. But I tell you, it doesn't matter how long you've loved the person, it's with how much love you loved him or her. I told him in the end that after hearing him over and over, that he truly loved Erica and that she had given him nothing but unconditional love, and that he was never worthy of her love, I told him I never really loved him. I told him it was just an attachment I had felt with him. I told him I felt numb, like nothing, I didn't even shed a tear. I told him I didn't even feel sad. I left knowing it was the end. I left knowing she had needed him more than me. I didn't want to be selfish, so I withheld my true feelings, gave him a hug goodbye and walked out the door.


I will never see him again, I will never attempt to call Steve or tell him that for once in such a short time I had felt love.


He will never really know, but God is my witness, and he sees my heart, and I just hope Erica can truly make him happy. For a lucky woman she is to have such an angel.


Yes he was my angel.

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